Saturday, December 30, 2006

Gifts and Grievances (like Turkey and trauma but with presents!)

Christmas is over. Whew. We just returned from 8 days in Florida. That might sound fabulous (and in reality, it wasn't all bad), but we stayed at my in-laws house...a two bedroom home that is not baby-proofed in any form or fashion. So, I spent 8 days sleeping on a FUTON in the "lanai" (which by the way, has no curtains on the windows) and chasing my daughter around making sure she wasn't eating dishwashing soap or sticking her fingers in sockets. (And their internet connection is DIAL-UP! EEK!)

Otherwise, it was a nice time. My favorite sister-in-law was there, so we drank lots of wine and read plenty of trashy magazines. I wasn't forced to make my own gifts this year. And we ate really decadent meals all week long (I was actually SICK of food and sweets by the time I got home), so I guess all in all it was a pretty good holiday.

Oh, I almost forgot the best part (in regards to blogging!) in-laws live in a retirement community and all I can say is that it is a site to behold. So stay tuned for my YARD TCHOTCHKE PARADE...coming in the next day or two. Them old people love cheesy lawn decor.

Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Merry (belated) Christmas, Blog Friends

A few holiday gifts for some of my favorite blog friends...

Compulsive Writer: A place for your pen! (Although, this would look awesome next to my donkey.)

No Cool Story: From the movie A Christmas Story...I thought it would look good in your yellow living room.

Elastic: I think your kiddos would get a kick out of this...and it's very Texas-y. I'll buy you two since they're on sale.

And finally, the best gift ever for Omar....

Merry Christmas Omar!

Can you believe this?! KB and I found this in a cheesy souvenir shop in Times Square. I got so excited that I bought it instead of just taking a picture. HA!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Things I do not want for Christmas

There are only a few shopping days left, so here are some things I do not want for Christmas.

Not that there is anything wrong with this...I would just totally suck at a game about gay culture.

Bacon air freshener. Yum. And look, they are on sale!

Soap in the shape of turds would probably cure my OCD when it comes to handwashing.

I also do not want anything I have to make myself. When I first started dating my husband, his mother decided to get me a lamp with a stained-glass shade. She took me to pick out the base and the colored glass...which was a lot of fun... but then she showed me how to cut and shape the pieces (what? why?). She thought I would enjoy doing it myself. UGH.

So I spent almost EIGHT hours in a garage in Florida, grinding glass and soldering the pieces together, while everyone else was at the pool or on the golf course. It was fabulous.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Christmas in New York City

My friend KB and I just returned home from a fabulous girls' weekend in New York City. I have some good stories to share, but no time tonight. (I must pack for my next trip...we are leaving tomorrow for 7 days in Florida with the in-laws.)

But, here are some photos from NYC to put you in the holiday spirit.

The tree in Rockefeller Plaza

The M&Ms guy in Times Square (not very Christmasy, but what are the holidays without chocolate, right?)

Christmas ornaments in a fountain

Radio City Music Hall

Big-ass Nutcrackers!

And a girl's wet dream...a Cartier box the size of a car!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I am the Queen of Grammar

Read it and weep. This makes me very I won't feel so bad when I correct people. Because I am the Queen of Grammar. It's my job.

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

If it makes you feel better, I only got an 80% on the "do you deserve your high school diploma?" quiz. Whoops.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

What's in a pill?

The setup: My husband had surgery on his hand last Friday and has been taking pain medicine periodically. This was our conversation last night.

Hubby: Good thing I didn't need any pain meds today, there were only 3 left and I just took 2 so I can get some sleep.

Me: Only 3 left? There were 6 in the bottle this morning.

Hubby: Well there was only 3 in there.

Me: Are you sure? If you didn't take any, where would they have gone?

Hubby: Yes, I am sure, Rhonda. (disgusted tone)

Me: Where was the bottle of pills?

Hubby: In the drawer with all the vitamins.

Me: Um, no. Your pills are up in the cabinet by the refrigerator. You just took 2 prenatal vitamins.

Hubby: They were in the same kind of bottle! What's in those vitamins? (panic)

Me: First of all, all medicine from the pharmacy comes in those bottles. Second, they are just VITAMINS for heaven's sake. They aren't baby making pills. (laughing)

Cut to this morning...

Me: How's your hand feeling?

Hubby: It's okay.

Me: Well, if it starts to hurt again, you are welcome to take the last of my prenatal vitamins. (laughing)

Hubby: Very funny.

Me: I thought so.

My husband very rarely has moments like this, and in his defense, my prenatal vitamins DO look almost exactly like Vicodin. Too bad they don't have the same effect...pregnancy would have been much more fun!

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- BLOGGER

This is going to be short and sweet.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Blogger is driving me crazy. I have so many comments I want to make and it won't let me post anywhere.

What the f*ck, Blogger?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Although Oprah has been on my nerves lately, not that long ago she had a show about doing things to make yourself proud. She suggested making a list every day, but since I don't do too many earth-shattering things, there would be a lot of blank pages in that journal and it wouldn't make me proud to waste paper.

But it is an honorable idea, so every once in a while I stop and make sure I am actually doing stuff to make me feel proud. Here's my most recent list. Try not to be too overwhelmed by my goodness.

- I have "rescued" three dogs in the past month. They were just neighborhood dogs who escaped somehow, but I did pick them all up and keep them in my backyard until their owners came home. There was Pita (a cute little Dachshund), Tank (a Schnauzer with a very girly haircut) and Max (a German Shorthaired Pointer who JUMPS fences, even escaping from my backyard...clever dog).

- I headed up the MOMs Club fundraising committee this year (despite not really "digging" MOMs Club very much) and helped to gather donations and toys for kids in a foster home community. Here's a picture of about half the stuff we gathered.

- I reported a litterbug. Cause you all know the deal...DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS! This guy had trash flying out of his truck bed all the way down the highway. But don't worry, all they do is send him a letter and a trash bag.

- I have been smiling brightly and looking every person I come across in the eye since December 1st. I am calling it Project Happy Holidays (Whether You Like it or Not) 2006. I'll tell you all more about it later.

So what have you done to make you feel proud?

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Start Spreading the News...

I am leaving in 7 days. That's right...look out New York City!

I haven't been in 6 or 7 years, so I am looking for suggestions. My friend KB and I will only be there for a weekend, but we are staying at the Waldorf-Astoria (woohoo) and are game for just about anything. (But preferably things that have to do with food, shopping or culture.)

It's not often that I am hubby AND child-free, so I want to pack this trip with lots of things that can't be done with a small child in-tow (such as eating at a bar or using a public restroom).

Speaking of...check this out. (I promise to go and take a photo of this!)

Please post any ideas you might have!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- How children of the 80's got screwed

Kids have a lot of cool things at their disposal these days...and it's kind of annoying. (I'm not bitter, I swear.) I can't imagine how different my high school experience would have been with a computer and the Internet. I learned to type on a typewriter. When I worked on the school newspaper, we had to cut and paste (meaning scissors and glue, kiddos!) copy onto layout boards. If you had to do research you went to the library for days on end looking through real books and encyclopedias. So, while I realize this totally dates me, and makes me feel a little old-ish, I felt the need to say something when I saw this today.

Yes, that's right. This CHILD is learning to drive in a hot, little convertible.

Someone has lost their mind. I learned to drive in a Pontiac Bonneville...and driver's ed was with like four other kids in the car...and not a cute car, it was some ugly four door thing. We were forced to sit there while everyone had a chance to drive. This kid is on his own, top down, just cruising in the slow lane (at 40 miles an hour, I would like to add).

What the f*ck?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Don't Say as I Say

Everything was perfect as I was driving my daughter to Mother's Day Out this morning. The air was brisk, the sun was out, I had a hot coffee in hand (the new Starbuck's has a drive-thru...hooray!), and my sweet little daughter was babbling and giggling in the back seat.

Then a man who was apparently scared of his accelerator pulls out in front of me, and insists on going very, very, VERY slooooooowwwwly. Several blocks go by, before I just totally lose it. I like to call this side of my personality Rhonda the Rage Rover.


From the carseat: "DUUUUUDE!"

Of course I burst out laughing. It was like having a little Keanu Reeves back there. And while I love it when she adds a new word to her repertoire, clearly I have not come to terms with the fact that she is not only a sponge, but also a parrot. Shame on me and my potty mouth. Shame!

So it's just a matter of time before she pulls out the f-bomb. With my luck, it will probably be at my in-laws house over Christmas.

Monday, December 04, 2006

A Story from My Checkered Past

Long gone for me are the days of funny dating tales, but today I was reminded of a particularly funny story from my single days. I was at Target (of course) and my checkout person was named "Marcello"...a name I haven't come across in a long time.

The last time I met a Marcello was in my early 20's. He was a very cute Italian guy that hung out in a bar my dad was spending a lot of time in (dad was going through a very nasty mid-life thing). Marcello was funny and charismatic and sexy and my dad hated him, so he was perfect. We spent an entire evening at that dive bar talking, much to the chagrin of my father, and he finally asked me out on a date. I agreed to meet him out the next night and we had a wonderful evening...he was really easy to talk to and he was one of those guys who makes you feel like the center of the universe. So when he asked me out again, I was really excited. (My dad called twice to tell me what a tool Marcello was before our second date.)

He picked me up, we went out to dinner and a movie, and then we went back to my place. I went into the kitchen to make us a drink and Marcello hung his coat on a chair in the dining room. We sat down and started talking. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice my cat Eddie is playing with something on the floor. I didn't give it a second thought until a total look of panic crossed Marcello's face.

Eddie had pulled a very long strand of condoms out of Marcello's jacket and into the living room, practically throwing them at my feet. I don't know how many were there, but it was at least 15 or 20 condoms. How ridiculous is that?

Of course I almost died from laughter, and while Marcello was laughing, I could tell he was really worried about what my next reaction was going to be. I let him know that it wasn't a big deal, but then after more awkward conversation, I sent him on his way. I mean, geesh, it's one thing to hope you are getting "lucky," and then there are preposterous expectations.

So that is how my cat Eddie saved me from Marcello. (But not the Marcello at Target. He still nailed me for $175. HA!)

Saturday, December 02, 2006

My First MEME, Courtesy of No Cool Story

Thanks NCS...I feel like a real blogger now. I have my big girl pants on and I am ready to tackle this thing:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate...or better yet, a Hot Toddy

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? He WRAPS them! He's Santa, not Scrooge! (Who doesn't wrap their gifts??!)

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I like white, but the hubby held out for colored and I finally caved last year.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No...if I need a kiss, I just ask. Who has time to stand in a doorway until someone notices?

5. When do you put your decorations up? The week after Thanksgiving...a little at a time.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing. Stuff me with stuffing and I am a happy girl.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Going to my grandparents house. I am an only child, so it was nice to be around all the cousins and other relatives.

8. How and When did you learn the truth about Santa? I can't remember! It must have been very traumatic for me to block it out this way.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? YES!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? With lights and ornaments. (Is this a trick question?) No time I had to pull a piece out of my cat's ass, so that was the end of tinsel in my house.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it. But, it has only snowed twice in my 30+ years in Houston, so that is probably why.

12. Can you ice skate? I can stand up and move forward on ice skates, but I have yet to master the Salchow or anything fancy like that.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? My hubby bought me a beautiful white convertible one year. That rocked! I was completely surprised.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Being with the people I care about.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? PUMPKIN PIE

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? I have a group of friends that gets together for a "Secret Santa" dinner every year. It's a nice way to celebrate with the "family" you actually got to chose. ;)

17. What tops your tree? An angel.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? That's kind of personal. :) Ok, I prefer giving. I love buying thoughtful presents and knowing that the recipient really loves it.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Jingle Bells is good...anything upbeat.

20. What is your favorite Christmas story? The Night Before Christmas and Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer...being Rhonda the Redheaded Child, I could totally relate. I was never allowed to play reindeer games either.

I tag elasticwaistbandlady.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Fall is here!

Yes, it has happened. Today finally feels like fall (or winter - they are pretty much the same here in Texas)...the temp was well below 70 degrees, the leaves on the trees in the back yard are finally turning colors, and the "big story" on the news was that everyone was out buying winter coats. Anyway, I was rounding up the summer stuff for storage and noticed that this little family of lizards has moved into our umbrella. Aren't they cute?

Don't worry...I decided to leave it out all winter. I can't evict them.

And look at the gorgeous sunset we had this evening.

Ok, that's enough of Mother Nature. More of my usual silliness tomorrow.

P.S. I told my friend Kim that I was going to post this joke to my blog. She spammed me with it today and it actually made me laugh.

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?"

"Beerboobies," he said.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- Rude driver edition

Today I say "What the F*ck?" to all the rude drivers I have encountered lately. And by rude drivers, I mean the non-wavers. I hate people that don't wave. I have kindly let you out in front of me, even smiling and giving you the little "oh please, go ahead" wave, and then you just get in front of me with absolutely no acknowledgement. This happens to me all the time and I hate these people. In fact, I might just start being one of those jerks who never lets anyone out or in or whatever. The non-wavers have ruined it for everyone.

I would also like to say "What the F*ck?" to the mean old man who flipped me off on Thanksgiving Day for no reason. I gladly accept blame (and the bird) when I do something wrong, but it was completely without cause. I was going 65 in a the fast lane...and this man was going about 50 in front of me. Before I even got close to him, he changed lanes. As I passed by, he flipped me off and then he rolled down his window and shot me the bird for as long as I could see him in the rear view mirror. Maybe his ex-wife was a redhead or maybe he was an environmentalist who has a thing against SUVs, but did he really have to pull out the bird on Thanksgiving?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Purse Ho

Recently I purchased myself a fabulous new purse. (I am a bit of a Purse Ho. It's either purses or cars, and we can't afford for me to "collect" cars.) Many of my girlfriends have commented on it, but the added bonus has been comments from several men.

On Sunday, after yet another guy complimented my purse (the concession guy at the movies), I started to wonder, what is going on around here? My husband might be able to point out a designer purse, but only if it was covered in their logo and it was hanging in a store owned by the brand. (Ok, he might be able to point it out on the street, but he has endured some serious schooling by being married to me, the Purse Ho.)

So what is up with the Target checkout guy, and the barista at Starbuck's, and the man behind me at lunch? Are men really this fashion conscious?

Monday, November 27, 2006

Monkey Business

I was at Sam's over the weekend, and spotted some baby chairs that reminded me of Omar and his son's horsey chair. Unfortunately, my daughter wasn't scared of any of them, but I did see this one that Radioactive Jam would like...he's all about the monkeys.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Thanks week finale

Today I am thankful for...

1. Laughter. Things that make me laugh almost every day include my daughter, my friends, The Daily Show, and reading other blogs.
2. My family. They are always entertaining, but this year was definitely "turkey and trama" (a saying I am stealing from Stasa, who stole it from someone else). The highlight was my dad using very inappropriate language in front of our 16-month old. He also asked my crazy aunt Cynthia about the highly sensitive subject of spreading her husband's ashes (he's been dead for 10 years), which started a little not-so-friendly banter. Dad was really on his game! Luckily Winston (our bulldog) didn't pee on my aunt's psycho dog this year...that might have been the final straw.
3. This blog and all the cool people I have met through blogging. It's only been a few months, but I really enjoy this creative outlet. And reading other blogs is much more fun than watching another episode of Friends.

It's been a very thankful week, but I am also thankful that it is over and I can go back to being my more bitchy self tomorrow.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I am very thankful for...

1. The most important people in my life.

2. Our fur family.

3. This beautiful day, the fabulous meal my husband prepared, our good health, and all the people we care about.

I hope your day was full of all the things that make you thankful.

P.S. I am also very thankful for all the leftover pumpkin pies and the fact that I won't feel guilty for eating every last morsel.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wednesday thanks

Today I am thankful for...

1. Free stuff! So far this week, I have received a free piggy bank, a free diet coke and a free Starbuck's mocha frap (thank you Kroger card for finally paying off).
2. Beautiful weather. As my friend Stasa said, it's going to be nice living in Houston tomorrow...the weather is perfect!
3. Good are just a few of them.

This was taken at our tailgating party last Sunday (yes, clearly there had been some drinking before this was taken). I am also thankful that the Texans are at least playing better, even if they are still losing.

What are you thankful for?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Suck it, O.J.

In honor of Thanksgiving, I will be posting things to be thankful for this week.

Today I am thankful for:

1. NO BOOK FOR O.J. -- thank you, thank you, thank you! No book, no interview...he can go crawl back under his rock now.
2. TomKat got married. Now my trashy magazines can focus on something more important like Paris Hilton puking onstage in Vegas or what Mathew McConaughey is up to this week.
3. My cousin Doug is safe and will hopefully be returning home from Iraq this January.

What are you thankful for?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Is it me or is it them?

Every few months, my friend Tracie and I pack up the kiddos and head to the Dollar Tree. It's fun to get out of the house, look at the silly/ridiculous/bizarre items, and of course, buy a few cheap things (I got pregnancy tests for a $1...woohoo!). Last Friday at the DT, we come across this sign. I found it very confusing. Does the manager understand the concept of the dollar store? Am I missing something here? Because last time I checked, everything was a $1, not just the items that are on the "promotion" rack.

So if I am having another moment here, please let me know. Muchas gracias.

Friday, November 17, 2006

No Time to Make a Postcard... I am confessing my deep, dark secret to you instead of or my husband (who hopefully is not reading my blog today).

Back story: The hubby and I pride ourselves on feeding our daughter quality, healthy foods. We figure she has plenty of time to eat bad stuff later. So we try to buy organic whenever possible, no juice or soft drinks, lots of fruits and veggies, nothing deep fried, and no crap (such as Lean Cuisines with 14.1 percent chicken)...until this week.

Here are the things my daughter has tasted this week.

1. Mocha Frappuccino (She was screaming and pointing at my cup, so finally I got frustrated and let her take a sip....she didn't like it. Whew.)

2. Sprite (Just one sip...she burped three times)

3. Chocolate chip cookie (The whole thing. She loved it. She licked her fingers and picked the crumbs off her shirt.)

4. Cat food (She got to the bowl before I could catch her. I think she only ate one piece, but she seemed to like it better than the mocha frap.)

So there. I guess I win the Bad Mom of the Week Award. Hooray.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- Automobile edition

My car has been giving me BIG headaches lately. A few weeks ago, someone backed into it at Target leaving me with a broken taillight and no note (thanks). $275 and all was well again.

Then one rainy day, it just stops moving forward. One week and $700 later, all was well again. -- P.S. That amount included $150 to fix the wiper on my HEADLIGHT (My reaction...I have wipers on my headlights?!). When I acted all indignant about how ridiculous that little luxury is, I was informed that some people apparently use Land Rovers to go off-roading and get mud on their headlights.

<----Who knew? ;)

Last week, the hubby borrows my car and returns it with a HUGE, unfixable ding in the windshield. (He acted like he didn't know it happened. Uh huh.) And finally, yesterday I notice that a fog light has now been busted out somehow.


Seriously car, please stop it.

So, I have decided that if you are still making car payments, you shouldn't have to pay for anything related to your car. Everything should be covered by your car payment...oil changes, washer fluid, busted lights, new windshields, etc. And when I start Rhonda's Car Finance Company, I promised that is how it will be.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

What are you hiding?

I am hiding all kinds of ridiculous things lately. And while I am very good at hiding, sometimes I am not so great at finding. (Somewhere in this house is my one and only sex toy that I was scared my maid might find. Neither of us has come across it in almost 2 years!)

Last night the hubby and I decided to go to a movie. We called the babysitter and she was available. Time to hide some stuff. No, not my jewels or our other riches, but food we hoped to see when we returned home.

The issue with the babysitter (a long-time, single friend of mine who is 6'1", thin and eats like a football team) is that 1.) she tends to gravitate toward very expensive food or things that my hubby has bought as a special treat for one of us and 2.) she eats things in their entirety.

Last month the hubby brought me back a box of dark chocolate from Holland. I assume it was fabulous, because she ate it all in one evening. (She had cleverly taken out the trash, so it was as if the chocolate never even existed!) Another time she ate a POUND of fancy peppered salami that we bought for a little shin-dig we were having the following evening.

I personally find it kind of amusing, but the hubby gets a little irritated, so off I went to hide our beloved treats. The Mini Milanos went under the rice. The Reese's left over from Halloween went behind the tea. Then, the hubby calls out "don't forget to hide the salami." (A game I never thought I would play with the babysitter! )

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Ridiculously fabulous purchase of the month

Once again Target has proven to be my shopping mecca. I cannot tell you how many times someone parks like a total ass and I don't have the time/energy/paper to write them a sweet little note. Now I can just whip out my latest Target find, and...TADA, instant gratification for me!

The ticket says:

"You are an inconsiderate person. This is not a real ticket, but it should be. Because of your rude and lame attempt at parking you have taken enough room for an army and a circus. You have received this ticket in hopes that you will learn to think of others before parking in the future. You probably change lanes without using a signal too. I hope your engine blows up during rush hour on your birthday!"

I could not have said it better myself. So, if you live in Houston and find one of these on your car, you know where to find me if you would like to discuss your parking issues.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


(I realize I need to hire a real designer, but this will have to do for now.)

I've noticed many people do a "Thursday Thirteen" or "Friday Five," so I've decided to start "What the F*ck?" Wednesday to explore all the things in the world that baffle me. And seeing as how I am often perplexed at people/events/products/commercials/etc., I will probably never run out of material.

So, week one of "What the F*ck?" Wednesday is...

Taco Bell's Fourth Meal

What is Taco Bell thinking? We are still the fattest nation in the world, right? Obesity rates are still rising, correct? So some marketing genius decides that we need to encourage people to eat yet another the middle of the night...and at Taco Bell? Fried tortillas and cheese and lard and other crap at 3 a.m. Yes, I think that is what we all need.

What the F*ck?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Go Kinky!

I voted today. Here's the proof...go me. Now I can't wait to see who wins our gubernatorial race here in Texas.

When pondering what to write about today, I was considering a real come-to-Jesus sort of post, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Besides, does anyone really care to hear the big scandalous secret about how long it has been since I voted? I didn't think so.

Ok, on to more important matters. ANGRY CHICK. Everyone loves her. Everyone wants to see more of her. Here you go, Angry Chick fans. A little Angry Chick carrying one big-ass pistol.

I bought these two in a gallery in Chicago (it was a crazy weekend). They are officially called "Go Ahead, Make My Day," but I refer to them as Angry Chick and Mean Pussy. HA!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Where's the Chicken?

Lately, I've been trying my best to lose the rest of the baby weight (yes, I know the "baby" is 15 months old...shut your pie hole! ), so I hired a trainer to kick my ass once a week and I've been eating as healthy as possible most of the time.

My husband (a.k.a. the Food Nazi) had me convinced that frozen diet dinners are evil, but lately they have been touting "no preservatives," so I've been keeping a few around for those days when I need something fast. I was enjoying a yummy Garlic Chicken pizza when I picked up the box and saw the following.

I guess you don't need preservatives when something is only 14.1% REAL! EEEK!

I will never admit that the Food Nazi was right, but I won't be eating any more Lean Cuisine Garlic Chicken Pizza that's for sure!

Friday, November 03, 2006

She's just one angry woman

Yesterday, I had the incredible pleasure of going to a luncheon featuring Helen Thomas. At 86 years old, she is quick-witted, smart, opinionated, and inspiring. (

Not only is she a legend in journalism, she was a trailblazer for the women's rights movement. When asked about that, she said "I was just one angry woman...part of a mob."

Helen and me!

Here are a few tidbits I wrote down:

- When Fidel Castro was asked the difference between U.S. democracy and his democracy, he said "I don't have to answer questions from Helen Thomas."

- When asked about "leaks," Helen said "leaks are absolutely necessary. I salute all whistler blowers."

- Asked about the best presidents, Helen spoke on the achievements of JFK and LBJ. "That's two Democrats, now let's take two Republicans," the moderator said. "WHY?" she said.

So a BIG shout out to my friend Stasa, who invited me to this fabulous event. As a former high school newspaper editor and journalism major, it was a real honor to meet Helen Thomas. She rocks.

P.S. The moderator made a major faux pas when he mentioned that Helen was a guest on "The Daily Show with Stephen Cobert." EEEK! My poor Jon got dissed.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Power makes me happy

My car is still in the shop (argh), so I have borrowed the hubby's transportation several times over the past few days. This is what he drives.

I don't know what you would think if you saw me driving by in this, but apparently people here in Houston think this car says "GRRRRRR...I'M MEAN!"

It's fabulous.

I can drive 55 in the fast lane in this monster and no one gives me the evil sideways look as they pass by. Cars that are 1/4 mile ahead on the road move out of my lane immediately. I was the LAST person to arrive at a four-way stop, and no one wanted to move until I passed through. A pedestrian even apologized for walking in front of me (at a crosswalk, when she had the little "go" hand). I feel so powerful. I am Queen of the Road.

And not only that, but everyone stares at me too. So I feel powerful AND pretty! This is the best car ever. :)

If you don't believe me, you are welcome to come over and take this puppy around the block a few times. Just don't be multi-tasking, because one minute you are dialing your cell phone and then BAM, you've demolished the Toyota in the next lane.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Nightmare on My Street

Halloween Night Update...
I love trick-or-treaters! I buy all the good candy...and lots of it. And I give everyone big handfuls. I even buy little toys...they get chocolate AND toys when they come here. But tonight was my first unhappy Halloween experience...teenagers have been coming to the door in mobs, NOT EVEN IN COSTUME. What is up with that?

I am giving them all candy, begrudgingly, but I am making them tell me who they are first. HA! Is that mean?

The first group of girls decided they were Destiny's Child. Ummm, ok. The next group was 8 teenage boys...all over 6' tall. They liked the candy, but got very excited that I had Playdoh. What are they going to do with Playdoh? The next group of girls distracted me by telling me how much they like my house...they got two handfuls each. :)

And while most of the little ones have been very sweet, even saying "thank you" (gasp), one little boy had a fit right on my front porch. I gave him FOUR little candy bars and a tub of Playdoh and he screams at me "I WANT MORE." I decided to ignore him (his mom didn't say a word!) and gave the other kids their goodies. When I closed the door he started screaming and crying. YIKES.

Please God let me raise a child who says smiles and says "thank you," even if she gets a 20-year-old stick of licorice.

Do bad things come in 3's?

If so, then I guess I'm just waiting for that last thing to drop.

BT #1 - Remember last week when I was out buying you guys a Banana Republic? Well, 10 minutes after I took those photos my car completely froze. I couldn't get it to move an inch. (Picture me out in the pouring rain pushing my car out of the middle of the street. Fun.) Even though it was pretty annoying, the guy at the dealership went on and on about how unusual it was for that to happen (the front differential was toast...whatever that means), so I felt pretty special and wasn't going to give it a second thought until....

BT #2 - Sunday afternoon. I was chasing Anabella around the house (she's 15 months old, so it was a trot at best) and suddenly I felt a "pop" in my leg. Ever heard of "tennis leg?" Yeah, me either. (Basically it's an injury to my Achilles tendon where it connects to the calf muscle.) I got a big lecture on stretching more before I work out...blah blah blah...and now I have to sit around and wait for it to heal. Hooray.

Still, I'm in a pretty good mood...worse things could happen (and still might). But it's definitely got me wondering what might be next. Afterall, it is Halloween.....BOO!

So what do you think BT#3 will be?

Sunday, October 29, 2006

They get me EVERY time

Once again I found myself crying during Extreme Makeover Home Edition. (Tonight featured a family in Iowa...they lost their home to fire, then their dog ran away, etc. Of course they built the family a lovely new house, refurbished their barn, and bought them cattle to start up the farm again.) It's always so touching, but I think parenthood has definitely "gotten" to me. I am a total puss now. Crying? Geesh. So the point is...while I know it is all about ratings, it is still nice to see a reality TV show actually doing something worthwhile.
(But if you want dirt...

And now, here is the list of trashy reality TV that I love. These shows don't make a positive contribution to society in any way, but I don't care. :)

1. The Girls Next Door. Usually stupid people annoy the crap out of me, but Kendra is pure entertainment gold. And Hugh Hefner is still partying like a rock star at 80. Crazy.

2. The Bachelor Rome. I had pretty much given up on The Bachelor, but then the producer was quoted as saying that Lorenzo "wasn't a douchebag prince" in Entertainment Weekly and I was immediately hooked. They have a elitist freak named Erica (daughter of a plastic surgeon here in Houston...hooray, more good publicity for us!) who makes it all worth my hour (her occupation is listed as "socialite"), but now that she is gone, we only have ticking-clock girl, Lisa (she's going to be the psycho this season), who has a three-year plan she hasn't told our dear, sweet bachelor about yet. Can't wait for tomorrow!

3. Hogan Knows Best. I adore Hulk. His parenting style cracks me up (he put a GPS on his daughter's car...without her knowledge of he knew exactly where she was on her first date). They are always doing silly things (once they adopted a monkey), but you can tell they are a real, close-knit, loving family. I also think it's hysterical that they are always showing Hulk in his thong...he's in great shape, especially for his age, but come on!

Happy channel surfing.

P.S. If you are interested in seeing a photo of the cutest little kitty in town, check out my other blog.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Elmo hits bottom

A few months back, my friends Kristy and Anne came over for a girls night. The pomegranate martinis were flowing, and sweet little "Knows Your Name Elmo" looked a little stressed. So, we offered him a cocktail. I know, he's underage, but whatever...he wasn't driving and it seemed pretty harmless. Well, you can clearly see that Elmo can not hold his liquor. He didn't even climb off the table until noon the next day.

I never intended to publish these photos, but we might be responsible for what is apparently Elmo's fast decline into substance abuse.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Merry Halloween

While you are all getting ready for Halloween, here in Houston it's time for Christmas. (Sorry this photo is crap, but it was taken from inside my moving car, in the rain, with my Treo it's pretty good considering.) Yes, that is a pretty bow archway, flanked by two Christmas trees and a couple of wreaths. It's OCTOBER 26th. Ridiculous.

But I hate to be a scrooge, so I went ahead and bought you a Banana Republic. Enjoy!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Pukefest 2006 continues

My poor little baby has been the host to some nasty stomach virus for several days now, which has resulted in LOTS of puke in my life (see October 19 post...when the puke is gone, I promise to quit talking about it.) The last time she threw up was on Sunday, so we put her back on her normal diet and all seemed well.

Well tonight she starts getting a little whiny, so I pick her up and she gives me one of her sweet little hugs, then BAM...I am covered in throw up. Nice.

My hubby quickly rushes her into a bath, and as I am de-funking myself, I notice grapes stuck to my shirt. (gross, I know) Then I remember, she hasn't had any grapes in weeks....hmmm, how is that possible?

They were raisins! Isn't that interesting? I guess they rehydrate in the stomach, and TADA...they are grapes again.

Can I get you a snack?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Ridiculously fabulous purchase of the month

Isn't he awesome? When you push on his ears, a cigarette pops out of his a**!

What's really great about this purchase is that I'm not a smoker, my hubby is not a smoker ...and we have done everything short of sewing lips shut in order to get our parents to quit smoking.

I couldn't help myself!

P.S. That's my angry chick behind him. You can't see it, but she's holding a pistol. Ha!

Ode to Compulsive Writer

Compulsive writer has posted some lovely photos from her trip to Finland on her I was inspired to start posting a photo or two on days when I have nothing interesting to say (I realize that is hard to believe! ha.). I took this in Maui on top of Mt. Haleakala...there is nothing like seeing sunrise at 10,000 ft.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Is it wrong to...

...let my dog eat baby puke? I know this is gross, but I need to get a consensus. First, let me say that it wasn't really puke in the true sense of the word. It was more like regurgitated food. :) Everything was still as it had been on the plate, and quite frankly I was more interested in cleaning up the baby...and me. So my hubby said "who cares? he's a dog...he's eaten a lot worse." And while I know that to be true, it still felt wrong. I've kept him from eating disgusting things whenever possible...I broke him from licking Winston's a**hole (our English bulldog) now I'm going to let him do as he pleases just to help me out with a little mess?

P.S. Yes, I did "look the other way" and let Frankie dog enjoy his little snack. He even licked the carpet pretty clean.

I am a bad, bad dog-mommy.

Hard to believe this sweet face would like the taste of puke.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Throwing Paper is Still Fun

The bachlorette party was great. We wound up at Dick's Last Resort for the last half of the evening and I have to admit that I had a lot of fun throwing paper at other patrons and being rude to the cute waiter.

Here is our happy bride-to-be, wearing a fabulous paper hat that unfortunately gives away her big secret....

In case you can't read it..."I pee when I laugh."

Other fun antics included Marjorie getting all the truck drivers to honk their horns as we drove by. (Remember how fun that was when you were like, 12?) We also had the cops on the Riverwalk harass a really drunk Carol toward the end of the evening. They wouldn't handcuff her but they did poke her with a nightstick.

Friday, October 06, 2006

More partying for Mommy!

My friend Carol is getting married and we are heading to San Antonio tomorrow for a bachlorette party on the Riverwalk. Should be fun...hopefully S.A. will produce some stories as good as the Chicago trip (see "Chicago Rocks" post).

Here is something that had me laughing today...the guy who wrote this is a total hoot...make sure you read his idea for a reality TV show.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Jon Stewart does it again

Yes, I have a little thing for Jon Stewart. His sense of humor is so on the money that I just can't stand it sometimes. Earlier this week, he was discussing the Mark Foley fiasco, which somehow led into a short discussion on Iraq. He asked "what do you get when you cross a Hellhole with a Cataclysm?"


Isn't that awesome? I haven't enjoyed a made-up word this much since Stephen Cobert coined "truthiness." Of course "Catastrof*ck" is my new favorite word of all time and I will be using it as much as possible. And it shouldn't be too hard to throw into my everyday life. ha!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Fun at Starbuck's

I was in Starbuck's recently (shocking I know) and there was a huge line. Everyone behind the counter was rushing was total chaos. When the man in front of me got to the head of the line, the counterperson asked the usual "what can I start for you today?"

He stood there for a few seconds and then he said "how are you this morning?"

The girl froze...everything came to a complete stand could almost hear the screeching of brakes. (Because of course the coffee tender can't do anything without an order, and the pastry chick doesn't know what to grab out of the case.) Picture a deer in headlights...times three.

She looked totally blank for a few seconds and then finally said "I'm good. How are you?"

"Great,'s such a nice day out," he replied. She smiled (this smalltalk was totally killing her...she almost looked like she was in pain). After a brief silence, he gave his order and everything got back to normal.

Then he turned to me (because I was laughing out loud) and said "that ALWAYS makes my day."

Now why didn't I think of that?

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Speaking of random

Want to know what I miss about my 20's? Random phone calls at 2:00 a.m. from drunken friends or exs or people of "interest." Those conversations were ALWAYS fun.

Maybe it was the unexpectedness, or the way you wound up talking about something sort of deep, or really honest, or totally off-the-wall because you were half-asleep and your guard was down, and the drunk ass on the other end was being all sweet and complimentary.

I don't get those anymore. However I did get a 7:00 a.m. call from my friend Darla a few weeks back. She called (and woke me up) to tell me she didn't want me calling later and waking HER up because she hadn't gone to bed yet. But, that was just annoying, so it doesn't count.

Monday, September 18, 2006

No Love from Oprah

They haven't called back. I guess I am not hating my life enough to be on Oprah. Fine by me. Who could deal with all the pressure of trying to figure out what to wear anyway? ;)

So, the GOOD news is that all of this self-created drama has given me an idea for a book...sort of a survival guide for women my age who are jumping into this crazy thing called motherhood.

My title would be something like "It Totally Sucks for a While...and all the other things no one tells you. The 30-something woman's guide to being a first-time mother."


Saturday, September 16, 2006

Oprah called!

A few weeks ago, very late at night, I came upon a future show topic on the Oprah website...the dilemma being "is motherhood boring?" Apparently Oprah caught me at just the right time, because I ranted for several paragraphs about how I KNEW motherhood was boring, listing several reason why I myself was bored with it, blah blah blah...then I hit the submit button, and off my opinions went.

Well, they called this past crazy is that? It sent me into a real tailspin...first, I was pretty excited...then, it was total panic. Could I actually get up on TV, in front of millions and millions of people, and say that being a mom is BORING? I know that it can be, and I know lots of women feel the same way, but could I really be the a*hole that stands up and says it? (I already have a hard enough time fitting in at the MOMs Club!) :)

But, I wouldn't mind tickets to the show....

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Chicago rocks

Kelly and I just spent a weekend tearing up Chicago...staying out until 3 a.m., eating, shopping, more partying. Chi-town rocks, especially when you are a new mom out and about for the first time without a baby in tow! The weekend produced two pretty funny stories for the books...I'll try to give you the Cliff's Notes version.

On Friday night we were at The Tavern on Rush. We were both REALLY shitty and on the way out the door, when Kelly notices this hot guy sitting in the corner smoking a cigar (fyi...Kelly is single). After she refused to go say hello, I decided to do it for her. So, I let myself around the ropes (oops, it was the VIP section...totally lost on my drunkenness) and sat down at this guy's table. He seemed pretty amused, introduced himself as Scott and we chatted for a few minutes. The entire time I am thinking "this guy looks so familiar," but of course could never figure out why. Kelly came over for a few minutes and then the manager spotted us and promptly kicked us out of VIP (how DARE he!). The next morning, I wake up and the first thing that comes to my mind is SCOTT PODSEDNIK. HOLY CRAP! Yes, his team totally SPANKED my team last year in the World Series and I couldn't even pull that out of the recesses of my mind. Geesh...a totally blown opportunity to rag on a Chicago White Sock. But, now I can brag that I hung out with Scott Podsednik.

Ok, night two, we head to the Red Head Piano Bar. It wasn't exactly the same kind of scene, but we stayed anyway. We squeeze into the bar next to two guys who say they are from Serbia. (First they asked if we were from Serbia...ha. Yes, I am sure we looked very Serbian to the unknowing with my red hair and Kelly the blonde...looking nothing alike, and also not looking particularly European or Slavic or whatever.) We chat a little, they buy us a few drinks...all very harmless. Well, once the married guy has several cocktails, his story goes from how wonderful his wife and children are to oh-whoa-is-me. It was basically the married man come-on...he married young, he isn't dead, blah blah blah. However, his closer was a one-of-a-kind...and I SWEAR on everything I love and own that this man said this to us. You might want to sit down....

"Sometimes you just want to put your thing someplace warm."