"WTF?" Wednesday

I don't know WTF is going on in my life, but everywhere I turn lately, someone is speaking to me in a condescending tone. Clearly this is a peek into my future -- and probably what senior citizens feel like when they are being treated like children -- and I am not enjoying it.

For example, Bar 1400 has these signs hanging in every bathroom stall. The bathroom manager was either a kindergarten teacher or a technical writer in his/her previous career. Just an FYI - anyone who is old enough to be in a bar probably knows how to use a effing toilet seat cover. I don't need tone in the toilet. Especially not when I am buzzed -- it pisses me off. No pun intended.



Even my four year old has tone recently. Last week I came home from work and she was standing at the door waiting for me:

Anabella: HI MOMMY!

Me: Hey baby. I missed you! How was your day?

Anabella: You forgot to pack my ballerina clothes.

Me: Oh no. I am so sorry, Anabella. I promise to remember next time.

Anabella: That's okay, mommy. Accidents happen. (pauses) But you need to focus. (turns and leaves)

I just stood there completely dumbfounded. Then, in my head, the tirade began ..."WHAT? I need to focus? Ummm, okay, kid. Clearly you have no idea who does everything in your life. This happy little family train you ride on would have derailed a long time ago if it wasn't for me."

Dan smiled and said something about how cute she was. I flipped him off and went straight to the bathtub.

The very next day, I call Ticketmaster to buy tickets for the Black Eyed Peas. (I'm on a rodeo committee this year, so we had the chance to buy before they went on sale to the public.) It quickly became clear that finding four seats wasn't going to happen ...

Ticketmaster douche: The Black Eyed Peas are a very popular group, ma'am.

Me: Yes, I know. Which is why I was hoping to get tickets ...

Ticketmaster douche: (clearly not listening to me) ... they are a hip-hop, R&B group. They have a lot of hit songs. They are very popular.

Me: I KNOW who they are. Why do you think I am calling for tickets?

Ticketmaster douche: Oh. Well then you shouldn't be surprised that they are sold out.

Me: These tickets aren't on sale to the public yet, so why wouldn't I think there might be some left?

silence...

Me: Good thing I am taking that survey at the end of this call.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

For the past few months something weird has been going on with the electricity in the front of our house. The breaker would flip off, we would flip it back on, it would stay put for a few minutes, and then it would flip off again -- sometimes with a spark coming from one of the electrical sockets. Dan and I know nothing about electricity, so we started living without a front porch light, stairway light and any electricity at all on one side of my office. (And yes, the spark should have prompted us to call someone immediately, but we aren't scared!)

Finally, a friend (who also happens to be an electrician) came by to check it out. Thankfully (because I don't enjoy looking totally stupid), he was also stumped and started to do some investigating. He figured out that the problem was starting with the small night lights installed on the stairway.





He took off the cover and this is what he found ...




Thanks right, folks. Someone was using the night light as a PIGGY BANK. WTF, Firestarter ... I mean, Anabella? Sure, throw some coins into an electrical outlet. I'm sure that won't be a problem.

The yellow arrows are pointing to the places where two of the coins had almost fused together from the sparks/fire/whatever was going on each time we tried to turn the breaker back on.

Between the poop and the cussing and now the electricity stunt, Anabella is going to make me old and gray long before my 40th birthday.




-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a big helping of Big Brother. I am watching you, Anabella!

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

It's official. Anabella and I are in the bribery stage of our relationship.

It started out slow enough ... some mini-M&Ms while I brushed the tangles out of her hair (her hair gets crazy tangled -- she probably deserves a cocktail, but that would be wrong) and the occasional chocolate milk here and there.

But today, it was full on blackmail, thanks mainly to SpongeBob SquarePants.

Anabella is completely enamored with SBSP. The problem is that SBSP is on Nickelodeon, instead of our usual Noggin. Noggin is commercial-free. Nickelodeon is non-stop commercials for every stupid toy and sugary snack ever made. For the past week, they have been advertising Moxy Girls (WTF is a Moxy Girl?) during every episode.

So this morning, I needed to keep Anabella home from preschool due to a scheduling conflict. And of course, she was really pissed about that and went into full meltdown mode as I was trying to get out the door.

I foolishly and selflessly thought about our poor nanny and how her day was going to go, and said to Anabella "if you are good for Ana today, and play nicely with Scarlett, I will bring you home a surprise." (thinking stickers or something silly)

As she wipes a tear from her cheek, she innocently looks up and says, "A Moxy Girl?"

F*ck.

Rage Rover

I was driving Anabella to preschool one day last week and as we pulled into the parking lot she said, "F*cking car!"

Very calmly, I asked (just in case I heard it wrong) "What did you say?"

"F*CKING CAR!"

As I silently try to figure out what to do next, she added "It means get out of the way." (Ha. Like I didn't know that.)

I instantly knew she learned that from me, because while Dan does have some rage, it's not road rage. The sad part was that I couldn't recall saying it ... I guess I was just muttering obscenities under my breath.

So as an experiment in self-actualization, I've started recording my outbursts (repeats of my outbursts) on my iPhone and well, it is not pretty. I'll provide a recap at the end of the week, but let's just say that someone might need an anger-management class if she doesn't want to raise a bunch of potty mouths.

Halloween too

Here are the girls' Halloween photos. Anabella was "Shine." Yes, I know you have no clue who Shine is ... no one else did either ... so I let her carry the Shine doll around with her as a reference tool. (Shine is a character on Wow Wow Wubbzy voiced by Beyonce.) She had a blast and definitely has a little rock star in her, so that is all that mattered.

Scarlett was a cow. She couldn't care less about Halloween and probably just thought it was a nice warm outfit on a cool night. But isn't she cute?

The many faces of Scarlett's first haircut

Similar to Scarlett's first turn on our water slide, it was hard to tell if she was loving or hating her first haircut.

Clearly, it's not the best style in the world, Scarlett, but you have short, baby-fine hair that's hanging in your eyes. I had to do something.

I guess she liked the bow. Or, she was just happy it was over.

The last two weeks ... a pictorial

Lake trips, vandalism, drinking ... there's been a little of everything. Except blogging. Whoops.

Anabella and I went on a mommy-daughter trip to my friend Jeanne's lake house. (It was her first experience on a boat, and being my daughter, she went right for the driver's seat.)



The first thing she said was "that's a LOT of water, mommy!" I could never coax her into the water, so we now own another baby pool. At least this one has palm trees.

I received a lot of feedback on my last "WTF? Wednesday." Stasa even went so far as to try a "Chelada" (which they are apparently calling Michelada in San Antonio), and she gives it rave reviews. So I guess I will try one soon.

I also took a little time out to vandalize another coworker's cube. He moved out, so I don't feel too bad. And now that he is in another building, they probably took away his access to this floor, meaning no retaliation. That's always good.

And finally, we had Scarlett's birthday party yesterday. Pizza, cake, football, Bloody Mary's and good friends ... Scarlett throws a kick-ass party!

Happy Birthday, Scarlett!

Dear Scarlett:

You're two today! Your babyhood has gone by in a flash, so I took the day off to celebrate with just YOU. At lunch, you were treated like a total rock star at Luby's. Not only did they bring you a crown and a bunch of balloons, but you also had free jello and a delicious red velvet cup cake (I promise, I only had one or two small bites!). Who knew you were going to love jello so much? And of course you were completely excited to sit in a chair.

Then we went to the Children's Museum, where you played non-stop and with no restrictions. From setting up a little tea party to playing with the world's largest Lite-Bright, you had a blast doing what YOU wanted to do for a change.

You just recently started learning more words and how to count. It's incredibly cute how you call everyone "daddy" if you don't know their name. And I love how you say "lello" instead of "yellow," "BobBob" instead of "SpongeBob" and "oh no!" for just about everything that you want us to notice.

You are completely fascinated with shoes and drinking out of big-girl glasses, but you are still a cute little baby who loves bubble baths and being rocked to sleep. It's even endearing that you are a total daddy's girl, because you are complete joy all day, every day ... and probably the most likeable person in our family.

Happy birthday, Baby Mo! I love you more than words can say.

Ahhh, the weekends

Life has been exceptionally good lately. The last three weekends have been so much fun that it actually made up for all the crap I put up with during the week. What a nice change!

I took Anabella for her first pedicure, which she loved. Between the cartoons, the ice cream with sprinkles and the flowers painted on her toenails, I think she's hooked. She giggled through her entire foot rub, which was highly entertaining for everyone.

I also spent a recent weekend at Lake Livingston, relaxing with girlfriends. At first, that mommy guilt kicked in, but once I had a coffee martini in me (drinking at 10 a.m. rocks!), I was in heaven. It's been a long time since I have laughed so much and so hard. This is a place I've been visiting since my mid-20's, so it was nice to reconnect with ME. I took some notes on my iPhone of all the funny things said that day, but when I went back and read them ... well, it wasn't exactly PG stuff. Girls can be raunchy after a few vodka lemonades!

Check out the view ... how perfect is that? I also got to indulge my need for speed on one of the new wave runners. 49 MPH, folks! (I had the butt bruises to prove it.)

Last weekend, Anabella and I went to KB's house to help decorate cupcakes for a bake sale to support my friend Kathy's puppy rescue charity. Anabella had the best time and looked friggin' adorable. She even did a pretty good job decorating.

And sampling ...

And then we got to bottle feed these sweet little babies ... all 8 of them. My recent tingling of wanting another baby was completely squashed, so that was the good news.

Scarlett is still adorable and perfect ... and nearing two! Lately, she has been discovering her love of shoes.


And the best part of the last few weekends ... Anabella is now miraculously potty trained! I don't WTF happened there, but thank you to the potty gods for small favors. That child has given me more bathroom problems than I could have ever imagined ... remember the days of finger painting with poop?! Or when I had to duct tape her into her diapers? No more! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Happy birthday, Anabella

My baby turned FOUR last Saturday. FOUR. I can hardly believe how fast the years have flown by. It seems as though she has instantly turned into an opinionated, funny, strong-willed, somewhat bossy, thoughtful, good-natured, emotional, sweet little person.

So anyway, we (me) threw a SpongeBob water slide party.

Thanks to Nam for spending 2-1/2 hours helping me ice this friggin' cake! Then her kiddos got fever and she couldn't even come over and enjoy the glory. And of course I didn't give her any credit.

Anabella finally decided she wanted to be four. Up until party time, she was TWO, dammit.

I wanted to strangle Dan when he came home with this million-dollar water slide last summer, but it's probably the best money we've spent in a long time. It's durable, the kids will play on it for hours on end, and in Texas, we have lots of time to use it.

I almost peed myself laughing when Scarlett came down the water slide. Her expression was 70 percent "WTF? Please call CPS!" and 30 percent "I think this is fun."

Anabella got a ton of great gifts, but this one was a big hit, which means Anabella and Scarlett threw-down over it. (For all you Noggin virgins, it's the hat and glasses that DJ Lance wears on Yo Gabba Gabba.) The hat plays dance music from YGG when you move.

Happy birthday, Anabella. As my favorite four year old always tells me ... "you're my girl!"

Bringing the fun back to holidays

I get joy from my children almost every day, but one thing that is really so super awesome fantastic about little kids is how much they enjoy holidays. Anabella really "got" July 4th this year, which made it my best July 4th in at least a decade. (My last awesome July 4th included me losing my hearing for about two weeks, but that's another post.)

My friend Stasa threw a great party, complete with babysitters and lots of activities for the kiddos. And she lives about a block away from the location of the biggest fireworks in Houston, so it couldn't have been a better evening. Anabella discovered her love of glow-in-the-dark jewelry and fire, in the form of sparklers ...

... and we had an incredible view of the fireworks display. (Sorry, but iPhone isn't equipped for that kind of photography.)

So it totally made up for having to stay in this hell-hole weather, instead of taking our usual trip to Michigan, where they are enjoying 70-degree days. (Bastards.)

Dan also cleaned our pool this weekend, evicting our two resident frogs and their million or so offspring. (He also had to kill a water spider that was apparently the size of his hand. Eeek.) Which means I no longer have to listen to frogs fornicating as I go to sleep at night. Oh. And I can swim in my pool. Yeah!

P.S. What's Scarlett balancing on her head today? A box of mac & cheese, of course.

What will cause Rhonda to drink heavily this week?

Here's the lowdown on the warfare against me over the past few days.

• Crohn's in full flare-up. Spent most of the weekend in bed.
• Waiting for layoffs at work ... which feels like waiting for the Grim Reaper to arrive.
• Deuce, curled up on my chest sleeping, looks up and takes a bite out of my NECK. The really sensitive part of my neck half way between my chin and collar bone. A-hole.
• Anabella is pushing all of my buttons at every opportunity. Telling me "no" and being quite the PITA.
• Scarlett runs up behind me, hugs my leg ... and then BITES me on the ass. Hard. Then laughs.
• Deuce knocks my bedside lamp onto my head in the middle of the night, almost giving me a complete heart attack.
• Scarlett continues to manhandle Deuce and requires constant supervision. But now she runs, with Deuce still in her grips, if I reprimand her.
• Put Deuce in my bedroom for a few minutes to give Scarlett a "time out." He crawls into my bra/panty drawer and PEES.
• Did I mention Dan is out of town?

So, what will it be?

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

I'm headed to work this morning, listening to a local R&B station, and the Sean John song "Get Busy" comes on. I've heard it before, but I can't say that I've really listened to the lyrics ... and not 15 seconds in, I swear I hear my daughter's name. OMFG ... he did not just say "Anabella" I thought. So I listen ... and wait ... and I hear it again. OMFG.

As soon as I get to work I google the song lyrics and sure enough ... Anabella. Telling her to shake her thing. Get jiggy. Get it on. WTF? Anabella isn't exactly a super-common name. How did that happen?

Here's a snippit ...

Shake that thing miss kana kana

Shake that thing miss annabella
Shake that thing yan donna donna
Jodi and rebecca
Woman get busy, just shake that booty non-stop
When the beat drops
Just keep swinging it
Get jiggy
Get crunked up
Percolate anything you want to call it
Oscillate you hip and don't take pity
Me want fi see you get live 'pon the riddim when me ride
And me lyrics a provide electricity
Gal nobody can tell you nuttin'
Can you done know your destiny
Yo sexy ladies want par with us

Please consider this an open letter to the music community ... I beg you to write a nice love song/top-40 teeny bopper hit/musak tune using my daughter's name. I can not tell you how annoyed I get when a middle-aged man sings "Help Me, Rhonda," but at least that song doesn't tell me to shake my ass and get "crunked" up.

Why oh why did I not name my child Beth or Mandy or Caroline or Janie or Roxanne ...

Spiraling

I made the rounds to some of my favorite blogs at lunch and there seems to be a common theme these days ... the economy, bad times and general blah-ness.

And it's much of the same going on here, which is why I haven't been blogging. I haven't enjoyed much free time (Dan has been traveling a lot), and it's all been doom and gloom lately, so I didn't want to bring you all down. Work life (still at AIG) a total mess? Check. Personal life (big demands, little resources) taking a toll? Check. Family drama and turmoil (my poor dad is sleeping on my couch ... don't ask)? Check. Turning almost 40 this week? Check. Want to run away? Check.

I am still a "half-full" girl, but lately I've needed some help staying there. While driving in the car this weekend, Anabella was noticing all the wild flowers ... naming off the colors ... and then she stops and says "Mommy, those flowers are for you. ALL the flowers are for you." Of course that got me all teary-eyed. How sweet! What a precious little girl. I spent the rest of the afternoon in one of those "I should appreciate the things I have" moods.

Not five hours later, I am changing into sleep clothes and Anabella laughs and points to the back of my leg. "That's bumpy!"

Anabella giveth, Anabella taketh away.



-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a little reality to a certain three-year-old girl. That's cellulite, Anabella, and you will know all about it in approximately 20 years.

Really, Dan?

Dan recently took the girls to Build-A-Bear Workshop. The bear on the left is Scarlett's bear ... Anabella picked it out for her. The bear on the right is Anabella's bear. Dan swears she picked it out all by herself.



Really, Dan? The masculine-looking bear wearing camouflage ... with a matching beret and dog tags (not pictured). Anabella picked that out all by herself? Her daddy, the ex-Marine, didn't have anything to do with it? The same daddy who puts Marine Corps. stickers on every car we own? The daddy whose last three cars have been Hummers? The daddy who asked for a bulldog (the Marine Corps. mascot) for his 30th birthday? I have a hard time believing daddy didn't coach her on this one.




-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving kick-ass Marine baby toys. Mameluke sword or a nice Beretta 9mm for your three-year-old daughter? Sure!


P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? ALMOST a chair!

Easter recap

Oh what a crazy, jam-packed weekend. After two failed attempts to get a picture with the Easter bunny, I finally gave up and tried to convince myself that Scarlett would have just cried anyway. But secretly, I'm still sad about it. (On Friday night, the line was closed, so Dan told the girls that the EB was sleeping. Saturday, the line wrapped around the place twice, so I told them the EB was sick and needed some rest for Sunday. Are we nominees for the bad parent award yet? )

Otherwise the weekend went well ... birthday parties, Easter egg coloring and "hatching" (meaning Anabella squishing a hard-boiled egg), hoarding of Easter basket goodies ("MINE!"), and of course, lots of chocolate. Here's a few photos:

Maybe now Anabella will finally quit asking me to help her make Valentine cards.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a classic Easter bunny photo from 2006. How cute is she?

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? An Easter basket, of course. (Although she couldn't squeeze all the way into it.)

Oh no!

Scarlett's new favorite saying ... and the only response the Comcast Customer Service person could come up with when I canceled my service today.

"Oh no. We hate to lose you as a customer."

"Oh no. I can't believe they didn't offer you the preferred package."

"Oh no. That's too bad."

It's cute as hell when my 18-month old says it over and over. When the lady on the telephone does it, I want to strangle someone.

My computer has also mysteriously rebooted itself five times since I got to work, and some dude in another office called and gave me an a**chewing because he wasn't happy with the employee newsletter.

Happy Monday.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a tiny dose of Monday-morning hostility.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? A tiny tractor. She's a bonnet and camouflage-wearing farmer. Oh no.

Me -- In Numbers

Stealing Borrowing an idea from Omar today ... he won't mind and he's probably not reading this post anyway.

So here is what I have been up to since last Wednesday "by the numbers:"

6 - NCAA basketball games I watched (53 - Number of brackets I need to "grade" tonight for the pool I am participating in)

5 - Bottles of champagne consumed on Sunday for Jéanne's birthday (I had help!)

4 - Massages I've had since last Thursday (I canceled a membership at Massage Envy and was forced to use the stockpile ... poor me.)

3 - Trips to Target (and subsequently, to Starbucks ... so much for quitting that habit)

2 - Birthday parties attended (One at Jumpin' Jungle, but that didn't include champagne. Unfortunately.)

1 - Number of amazing things Scarlett did at breakfast on Sunday (She was playing with a fork ... banging it on the table mainly ... then she starts stabbing eggs and eating off of it like she had been doing it for years.) Pictures? Of course!

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving the certainty that Scarlett is, in fact, a gifted child. Stabbing with the fork AND "enrolling." Go ahead and look that up. I had to.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

WTF is up with these "toddler" shoes? Why why WHY would you put a one-inch heel on a shoe for a baby? Poor Scarlett would kill herself in these things. She trips just running around bare-footed. What's going to happen when I put a 1-1/2 year old in wedges? What's next, Miracle Bras for the elementary school girls?

I would also like to know WTF is up with the toddler terrorism going on at our house (Anabella!). Besides the general sassiness ("I'm sorry, but I am NOT going night-night!"), we've (Anabella!) now taken to evil misdeeds.

Last Saturday morning Dan and Scarlett were napping, and I let Anabella draw with markers under my careful supervision. I got up to use the restroom and when I came back, not only had she drawn all over her arms and legs, but her lips were also colored blue and my ottoman looked like this.

WTF? I was gone for 60 seconds! When I asked her why she did it, she just shrugged. Clearly, this was a premeditated thing.

Toddler mind games ... Anabella - 1, Mommy - 0.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving gratitude to Baby Jesus for the invention of washable markers.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today?