"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

WTF is up with this Creepy VegHead? He moved into our HEB last week and he totally freaks me out. I especially dislike his onion mustache and Anabella is disturbed by his banana cheeks (and the fact that he is a 10 foot paper mache head!). So we've starting using the other door until he goes back to wherever he came from.

Facebook WTF?!

I know I need to quit bashing FB, but this one is truly disturbing. A guy that apparently went to my high school sent a friend request last week. I didn't recognize his name, but we had 27 friends in common, so I went to look at his profile photos. What I found was one photo of him and about 30 photos of women's butts. Just women bent over in this position or that, all clothed, but pictures of their behinds only. (These were his PROFILE photos -- not a photo album of butts.)

I too have certain body parts that I find attractive, but I don't think FB is the place to post 50 pictures of men's whatevers. I wanted to send him an email that said "This isn't FetishBook, it's Facebook, which means I want to see faces, not asses." But I just ignored the request instead. And then I started thinking about those 27 people who were not at all bothered. Did they just accept without looking at his profile? I'm no prude, but am I really the only person who finds that creepier than a 10 foot paper mache head?

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

It's been a good week for WTF photos. I could probably publish a whole book on just WTF signs ... and why do they always seem to be in bathrooms?

This sign comes from a fancy sushi restaurant:


So the question is -- did someone really go to the most expensive sushi restaurant in town, head to the ladies room and decide to do pull-ups or something equally as stupid from this bar, and then break it/pull it out of the wall/crack their head open/or something equally as stupid? Because I don't think you put up a sign like that "just in case."



As I was shopping for Easter basket stuff this past weekend, I came across these. I know, it's probably quite telling that my mind went straight to the gutter, but do these look really PHALLIC to anyone else?


It took me a full minute to put the whole ear of corn thing together. (Because I was totally mesmerized and didn't bother to even read it. HA)

And finally, a WTF find from Sam's Club. I haven't bought any Boone's Farm in over 20 years, but I am fairly certain it costs at least $3.00 a bottle. WTF kind of nasty wine only costs $2.91?

This entire week has been filled with WTF moments, but some of the most entertaining have been from the rodeo (I'm volunteering this year), so expect a recap next week. Rodeo WTF is a whole new ballgame, folks!

P.S. Totally forgot to congratulate my friend Kim on her BIG WIN at my 9th annual Oscar bash. She won the Golden Biatch by a landslide. The Biatch had some major "work" done this year, so she is looking hotter than ever, especially in her new dress holding her very own little Oscar statue. (And she's completely recovered from her near death experience thanks to a certain Deucebag!) I'm sure Kim will put her in a place of honor for the next 12 months.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

I recently reconnected with a friend from high school on Facebook, who had the interesting idea of telling people two things he remembered about them.

One of the things he recalled about me was my extreme resistance to putting stickers on my car. Apparently, I had my senior parking sticker on an acrylic picture frame that I would stand up in the window. (I have completely blocked out this memory, but it does sound like something I would do.) So obviously the OCD/car obsession thing started early, but it also explains why I find most bumper stickers really annoying. (But I still love you if you have them on your car!)

My biggest offenders are the "honor roll" kids, Calvin & Hobbs urinating on company logos and these -- the "look at my cute family" stickers that keep getting weirder and weirder.

For example, WTF is this?

A pirate family? Why doesn't daddy have a hat too? Where's the parrot? Doesn't this creep your kids out just a little bit?

"What's that mommy?"

"That's what you look like when you die."

But this one is even better. I know I am confused, so I can only imagine how the kids must be feeling. Let's see -- there's a daddy, a mommy ... another daddy ... four kids and two dogs.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am NOT signing up for the two spouse program.

P.S. Wondering what "WTF? Cat" Deucebag has been up to? Well, he has decided that it is too hard to just hang his head in the bowl to eat (while laying down), so now he knocks the bowl over and leisurely eats off the counter top.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

(Note: This would have been posted on Wednesday if I had pushed "publish" instead of "save" - argh.)

WTF is up with my cat? Deuce (or Deucebag, as Scarlett calls him) isn't even a year old, and he has already become a complete lazy ass. I took two photos so you would believe me when I tell you that this cat can't be bothered to stand or even sit up to eat. He just lays on the counter and throws his head into the bowl.

Granted, this harsh judgement is coming from the woman who eats while watching The Biggest Loser, but still. I'm almost 40. Deucebag is in the prime of his life. By the time he's 10, we will have to get the fire department to cut down a wall, so he can visit the vet.

"WTF?" Wednesday

I don't know WTF is going on in my life, but everywhere I turn lately, someone is speaking to me in a condescending tone. Clearly this is a peek into my future -- and probably what senior citizens feel like when they are being treated like children -- and I am not enjoying it.

For example, Bar 1400 has these signs hanging in every bathroom stall. The bathroom manager was either a kindergarten teacher or a technical writer in his/her previous career. Just an FYI - anyone who is old enough to be in a bar probably knows how to use a effing toilet seat cover. I don't need tone in the toilet. Especially not when I am buzzed -- it pisses me off. No pun intended.



Even my four year old has tone recently. Last week I came home from work and she was standing at the door waiting for me:

Anabella: HI MOMMY!

Me: Hey baby. I missed you! How was your day?

Anabella: You forgot to pack my ballerina clothes.

Me: Oh no. I am so sorry, Anabella. I promise to remember next time.

Anabella: That's okay, mommy. Accidents happen. (pauses) But you need to focus. (turns and leaves)

I just stood there completely dumbfounded. Then, in my head, the tirade began ..."WHAT? I need to focus? Ummm, okay, kid. Clearly you have no idea who does everything in your life. This happy little family train you ride on would have derailed a long time ago if it wasn't for me."

Dan smiled and said something about how cute she was. I flipped him off and went straight to the bathtub.

The very next day, I call Ticketmaster to buy tickets for the Black Eyed Peas. (I'm on a rodeo committee this year, so we had the chance to buy before they went on sale to the public.) It quickly became clear that finding four seats wasn't going to happen ...

Ticketmaster douche: The Black Eyed Peas are a very popular group, ma'am.

Me: Yes, I know. Which is why I was hoping to get tickets ...

Ticketmaster douche: (clearly not listening to me) ... they are a hip-hop, R&B group. They have a lot of hit songs. They are very popular.

Me: I KNOW who they are. Why do you think I am calling for tickets?

Ticketmaster douche: Oh. Well then you shouldn't be surprised that they are sold out.

Me: These tickets aren't on sale to the public yet, so why wouldn't I think there might be some left?

silence...

Me: Good thing I am taking that survey at the end of this call.

"What the f*ck?" -- Christmas gift edition

I have spent the last three days in malls and stores across Houston (because I hadn't done jack crap to prepare for Christmas until last Saturday and this is how I like to punish myself) and have seen some redonkulous stuff passing itself off as Christmas gifts. Here are just a few of those "WTF is this?" gifts:

This thing was huge. Look how tiny the disposable cameras are in comparison. If you need a remote this big, well, can you really even see the TV anymore?

No. This is just wrong. Period.

I know some people are really hard to buy for, but give me a break. Get a gift card.

Gross. Would anyone ever touch the "butt" side now that it is clearly labeled?

I can really only think of one person that this is appropriate for -- and Jesus isn't into bling.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

For the past few months something weird has been going on with the electricity in the front of our house. The breaker would flip off, we would flip it back on, it would stay put for a few minutes, and then it would flip off again -- sometimes with a spark coming from one of the electrical sockets. Dan and I know nothing about electricity, so we started living without a front porch light, stairway light and any electricity at all on one side of my office. (And yes, the spark should have prompted us to call someone immediately, but we aren't scared!)

Finally, a friend (who also happens to be an electrician) came by to check it out. Thankfully (because I don't enjoy looking totally stupid), he was also stumped and started to do some investigating. He figured out that the problem was starting with the small night lights installed on the stairway.





He took off the cover and this is what he found ...




Thanks right, folks. Someone was using the night light as a PIGGY BANK. WTF, Firestarter ... I mean, Anabella? Sure, throw some coins into an electrical outlet. I'm sure that won't be a problem.

The yellow arrows are pointing to the places where two of the coins had almost fused together from the sparks/fire/whatever was going on each time we tried to turn the breaker back on.

Between the poop and the cussing and now the electricity stunt, Anabella is going to make me old and gray long before my 40th birthday.




-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a big helping of Big Brother. I am watching you, Anabella!

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

I was almost rear-ended twice coming back from lunch on Monday. And I'm not talking about someone tailgating or coming to a stop too close. It was two tire-screeching, head-turning, near misses in less than five minutes ... by the same car.

Of course that pissed me off to no end, so when the guy pulled beside me as I headed into the left-turn lane, I prepared my best evil eye. I just wish my iPhone had a telephoto lens, because then you could see that the man in this photo was so captivated by the thumbnails on the back of the PORNO he was holding, that he couldn't be bothered to pay attention to me or the road.



Nothing wrong with a good video, but do we need to study it while driving on a crazy-busy road, during the middle of the day, with our window down so that everyone gets a good look, and nearly killing our fellow drivers in the process? He is truly lucky that I don't own a Hummer any more because I was that close to just ramming into him.

WTF are these people doing?

Tailgating in the mall parking lot?

Watching an analog TV in their car?

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

It's official. Anabella and I are in the bribery stage of our relationship.

It started out slow enough ... some mini-M&Ms while I brushed the tangles out of her hair (her hair gets crazy tangled -- she probably deserves a cocktail, but that would be wrong) and the occasional chocolate milk here and there.

But today, it was full on blackmail, thanks mainly to SpongeBob SquarePants.

Anabella is completely enamored with SBSP. The problem is that SBSP is on Nickelodeon, instead of our usual Noggin. Noggin is commercial-free. Nickelodeon is non-stop commercials for every stupid toy and sugary snack ever made. For the past week, they have been advertising Moxy Girls (WTF is a Moxy Girl?) during every episode.

So this morning, I needed to keep Anabella home from preschool due to a scheduling conflict. And of course, she was really pissed about that and went into full meltdown mode as I was trying to get out the door.

I foolishly and selflessly thought about our poor nanny and how her day was going to go, and said to Anabella "if you are good for Ana today, and play nicely with Scarlett, I will bring you home a surprise." (thinking stickers or something silly)

As she wipes a tear from her cheek, she innocently looks up and says, "A Moxy Girl?"

F*ck.

"WTF?" Wednesday

WTF was I thinking when I signed up for NaBloPoMo? And why didn't you guys try to stop me? It's only day four and I already feel like the Dunkin Donuts guy ... "time to write the blog. time to write the blog." I'm all about setting goals, but this is kind of like starting a no-carb diet during the holidays. Maybe I could make my life extra hard by adopting a few more toddlers or a litter of puppies that needs house training.

So anyway, I get this email today from Sur la table (a store that I love, love, love) and am instantly intrigued because Thanksgiving is approaching, we eat mostly organic meat, and they say it's like the bestest turkey eh-ver!

Then I scrolled down to see that this turkey costs $110 for a 15-pounder. Holy crap! That turkey better be the best thing I ever put in my mouth. I'm talking no gravy necessary, super juicy, tasty and slightly orgasmic turkey. I spent $65 on a turkey two years ago and felt like an idiot. (organic but 27 pounds!) The lady at the checkout even made fun of me.

But I guess the good news here is that if even 50 people are willing to spend that kind of cash on a turkey, then the economy is clearly recovering.



P.S. If you buy one, we usually eat our Thanksgiving meal in the early afternoon, so I could totally be free to join you for dinner.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

It's been two weeks (I know, sorry!), and the WTF photos have been piling up in my iPhone ... so let's get to it.

Car? Motorcycle? Some weird cross between the two like the zonkey? I don't understand. Why one big ass wheel in the back? WTF?

Really. An orange mohawk. Do you know how long it took me to explain this to my four year old? Didn't this hairstyle go out in the 80s?

I know it's the writer/editor in me, but WTF, Channel 2? They have this cool tool called "spell check" now. Maybe you guys should get it.

Anyone know WTF a "Corn Hole Tournament" is? I do now, but seriously, that name is just wrong.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

I had a great "WTF? Wednesday" ready to go ... about our nanny and her wacky mom ... but then I got a call from my BFF from high school, Halle, from Texas Children's Hospital. And now, her one-year-old daughter is in surgery, having a "foreign object" removed from her lungs. So I am sitting here, waiting for the call that she is okay and in recovery.

My friend Kathy mentioned that something similar had happened to her as a baby ... she was on a counter and grabbed a whole peanut, which she then proceeded to choke on. I had no idea something you swallowed could end up in your lungs? And once we started talking about it, Kathy and I decided it's really a miracle she's here with us at all. Why was she on a counter as a baby? (we made up a little scenario where her mom left her on the counter so she could step out on the patio for a scotch and a cig. ha!)

So please say a little prayer for baby Blair. Did I mention that it is Halle's wedding anniversary too? WTF, Universe? That's pretty crappy.

And to end on a happy note. WTF is this all about? If I want something to taste like bacon, I'll put some bacon in it. I don't want bacon-flavored anything ... that should only be done to dog food.

That being said, Dan bought this and we had it on some hamburgers. It was good, but it was no bacon.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

WTF is wrong with the Wisconsin Tourism Federation? They had THE BEST ACRONYM EVER, and then they totally went and rearranged the words in their name. So now, instead of WTF, they are TFW. Blah.



Their website (http://www.witourismfederation.org/) says they changed it so it would "no longer distract from their mission."

WTF, TFW? Think of the clever advertising you could do with "WTF" ... for example:

- "Haven't been to Wisconsin lately? WTF!"
- "Hey France, we have better cheese than you. WTF!"

SO many possibilities.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

I took a quick trip to San Antonio over the weekend, and because I was all alone in the car, I had plenty of time to notice all the weird crap on that stretch of I-10. (Texas does not disappoint in the "WTF?" department!)

WTF is this? Tacky lawn art meets "Texas-sized" crap? I don't think I have ever seen something this gaudy on the side of the freeway. Or really anywhere, for that matter.

How would you like to work inside an ice chest all day? How many six packs do you think this holds?

This sign still confuses me. WTF does that mean? Aren't lawyers suing lawyers every day?

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

Clearly this person does not watch TV. Or listen to the radio. Or read newspapers and magazines. I'm pretty sure this car was a prime candidate for the Cash for Clunkers program ... it was probably even featured in the paperwork.

String to hold down the hood? Duct tape holding the side mirror on? Is there a mouse under the hood or do they just pedal this thing like Fred Flintstone? WTF? That "H" isn't for Honda, it's for hoopty!

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

This week WTF Wednesday revolves entirely around food. Wasn't planned that way, but I am sure it has something to do with eating my feelings. Whatever.

So, WTF is this? Who drinks this? Is this a hangover cure or does someone truly enjoy beer and tomato juice? I need to know.



I took my friend Tracie some Taco Bell last week (she just had twins and isn't getting out much ... you know you are f*cked when Taco Bell is some sort of rare treat), and I noticed the packages have weird messages on them like "I collect straws" and "Will you marry me?" Tracie says they've been like that for years, but I guess that's how long it's been since my last trip to Taco Hell. Then the communicator in me got very annoyed ... WTF is the purpose of this? It doesn't make me laugh or want to buy more crappy tacos.




Finally, these immediately got my attention at the grocery store. I'm not sure what branding mini-cucumbers does for High School Musical (and it probably doesn't help cucumbers much either) and quite frankly, it seems a little dirty to me.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving Cheladas with snarky hot sauce and cucumber swizzle sticks.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

This is what the last few days have been like for me. Basically a "WTF?" week ... all the way around.

In fact, WTF monkey is going to be my new mascot. Whenever I post him, you know to send over some booze and comfort food.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

"What the f*ck am I doing on the executive floor?" Edition

It's week two of my life on the executive floor. It's been surprisingly okay and I haven't had to taper too much. In fact, I thought it would be very quiet and proper, and it's actually quite the opposite. I'm still not dropping f-bombs or taking dance breaks, but it's only a matter of time.

So here's the scoop.

More security than Fort Knox
Cameras everywhere! Coming or going by elevator? Someone knows.(Don't pull your panties out of your butt in this elevator lobby.) In fact, I probably got a demerit in my personnel file when they saw me taking this photo.

"Did you know you have gone to the restroom five times today? We know. We see you." WTF? Can't I walk past the freight elevator without Big Brother checking me out?

The bright side of all this security is that practically no one has access to the floor. You don't get to see me unless I want to see you. Muahahahaha.

Top-notch snacks and such
Free soft drinks and Starbucks every day, all day. We even have several blends to chose from ... and no more powdered creamer. Hooray.

We also get to nosh on the remnants from executive meetings. Free chips and pickles? You had me at "leftovers."


Helpful signs everywhere
Did you forget how to wash your hands? There's a handy how-to guide right next to the sinks. (Really? Even my four year old remembers how to wash her hands.)

Stressed? Feeling the pressure of being on the executive floor? If that is you in picture #3, you need a massage. (WTF is up with that couple in the middle? Did they get a headache when they realized they were at Olan Mills? Or maybe they need a V8.)

And finally, awkward moments

My favorite was going to the ladies room and finding the CFO and an EVP having a powwow. I wasn't sure if I should just turn around and come back later, or go ahead and do my business. Do I really want to pee in the background while they are making important executive decisions?

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

Morons on wheels
I can't get away from them. My tolerance is definitely low (because I didn't have to drive in rush-hour traffic from 2000 to 2008), but I think I attract the dumbest of the dumb. Not only did this guy drive halfway on the shoulder for the entire 10-mile stretch of freeway (even on the overpasses ... he was maybe a foot from the bridge railing), he was also tailgating and stomping on his brakes randomly.

This person is why I can never get a concealed handgun permit.

Didn't need to see that

This was at the checkout line. Ugh. President Obama does not make a pretty woman. And WTF is up with putting him in drag at checkout anyway?

Ruining crappy TV for everyone

Really, "E!"? I know late night is the time for all the ridiculous infomericals and chat-line advertisements, but booty calls at 11:30? No one is that drunk until way after midnight. This seems like a new low even for you.

I just need to pee

Okay, I am all for having something to say, but you need to pick an appropriate time and place. I couldn't decide if this was a "deep thought" or just a commentary on toilet paper. After a moment or two, I was like "WTF? I'm in the bathroom." Could we stop with the 24/7 messaging? I just want to pee and look at the bathroom door.