Cross that one off the bucket list

Did you miss me? I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. What a loser! Life kind of jumped in and kicked my butt these last few weeks, but that won't happen again. Here's a quick recap:

• Promotion at work (celebrated for two days)
• Third annual trip to Lake Austin Spa with my BFF from high school (also bought ridiculously expensive purse at Gucci outlet to celebrate promotion - traumatized self for a week)
• Rock Band slumber party with closest friends. Partied til 4 a.m.
• Fell deathly ill with a flu/strep throat/sinusitis combo the next day (SuperBowl Sunday - missed the party!) and had to stay quarantined in my bedroom for NINE LONG DAYS (so the hubby and kiddos wouldn't get sick)
• Tried to play catch up at work and home for three days
• Went to the Mom 2.0 Summit last Friday and Saturday - had a blast!

So the Mom 2.0 Summit was incredibly inspiring and thought-provoking and just plain fun. Meeting women who are so talented and successful and doing things on their own terms (and putting faces with blogs that I have been reading for years -- even Dooce was there!) reminded me why I started this blog in the first place (almost five years ago!).

And one of the major highlights was --- riding in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile! I rode "shotbun" around downtown Houston, waving at people and acting like a rock star. If you ever get the opportunity, I suggest you take it. Nothing puts a smile on your face like riding in a wiener.


I convinced Amanda (PR maven and new partner in crime) to go along for the ride!

I've been cheating on you, Blogger.

A lot has changed for me at work recently, including the addition of social media into my job function. Of course, I am totally psyched about that, but it also means I have been spending lots of my free time doing stuff besides blogging. Reading up on social media, taking webinars, going to conferences, tweeting, visiting fan pages, etc. Last month I attended a conference at the Houston Zoo and sat next to the guy who created this at lunch:


Remember this quiz we all took back in August? Matthew Inman, the man behind the awesomeness, gave me the back story. Apparently, he created the quiz for a client that sold sex toys. When the client saw the quiz, they thought it was "inappropriate." LOL! Ummm, okay. Anyway, he was a really interesting guy ... smart and YOUNG, so I was inspired. Too bad I can't draw or code ... I would totally rock at creating quizzes.

So here is our latest time waster ... picked especially for Kim, since she enjoys talking about balls.

Clearly I won't be picking a fight with a bear any time in the immediate future.

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Rage Rover

I was driving Anabella to preschool one day last week and as we pulled into the parking lot she said, "F*cking car!"

Very calmly, I asked (just in case I heard it wrong) "What did you say?"

"F*CKING CAR!"

As I silently try to figure out what to do next, she added "It means get out of the way." (Ha. Like I didn't know that.)

I instantly knew she learned that from me, because while Dan does have some rage, it's not road rage. The sad part was that I couldn't recall saying it ... I guess I was just muttering obscenities under my breath.

So as an experiment in self-actualization, I've started recording my outbursts (repeats of my outbursts) on my iPhone and well, it is not pretty. I'll provide a recap at the end of the week, but let's just say that someone might need an anger-management class if she doesn't want to raise a bunch of potty mouths.

The last two weeks ... a pictorial

Lake trips, vandalism, drinking ... there's been a little of everything. Except blogging. Whoops.

Anabella and I went on a mommy-daughter trip to my friend Jeanne's lake house. (It was her first experience on a boat, and being my daughter, she went right for the driver's seat.)



The first thing she said was "that's a LOT of water, mommy!" I could never coax her into the water, so we now own another baby pool. At least this one has palm trees.

I received a lot of feedback on my last "WTF? Wednesday." Stasa even went so far as to try a "Chelada" (which they are apparently calling Michelada in San Antonio), and she gives it rave reviews. So I guess I will try one soon.

I also took a little time out to vandalize another coworker's cube. He moved out, so I don't feel too bad. And now that he is in another building, they probably took away his access to this floor, meaning no retaliation. That's always good.

And finally, we had Scarlett's birthday party yesterday. Pizza, cake, football, Bloody Mary's and good friends ... Scarlett throws a kick-ass party!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am hoping at least a few of you remember Ren and Stimpy. I have officially put on my happy helmet and am determined that this is going to be a fabulous week. Because last week was total crap and I cannot handle a repeat. A good friend found out she has breast cancer. Dan's dad found out his cancer has returned. And lots of other stupid trivial things happened.

The most entertaining stupid trivial thing included me, my white pants and a mocha frappuccino. I was coming back to the office after a quick trip to Starbucks. I got out of my car and walked around toward the back, when the frappuccino slipped out of my hands, hit the concrete and SPLAT ... all over the right leg of my white pants.

Me (in a very loud voice): "JESUS! F*CK!"

A voice from the distance: "Rhonda?"

Me (panicking in my head): "CRAP! You just took the Lord's name in vein AND dropped an F-bomb in the parking garage."

From around a car, comes my coworker Vanessa. WHEW.

Vanessa: "I knew I recognized that voice. Are you okay?" Looks down at my pants and begins to laugh. "Oh my."

She was nice enough to walk with me through the sky walks (pretending like no big deal), and even let me hide behind her on the elevator. Thirty minutes and one entire Tide pen later, my pant leg was completely soaked, but the frappuccino was mostly gone.

The moral of the story ... invest in Tide pens. Oh, and don't cuss and act like a raging maniac in the parking garage at work.

The following portion of this blog is rated "R"

So, I took this test last week (and was so tickled by the questions that I could not stop laughing ... it was as close to being completely hysterical as I have ever come ... I am pretty sure my coworkers wanted to slap me), but feel I should go ahead and post my results ... just in case anyone wants to mess with me and/or ruin the fabulous week ahead.

Created by The Oatmeal

Ahhh, the weekends

Life has been exceptionally good lately. The last three weekends have been so much fun that it actually made up for all the crap I put up with during the week. What a nice change!

I took Anabella for her first pedicure, which she loved. Between the cartoons, the ice cream with sprinkles and the flowers painted on her toenails, I think she's hooked. She giggled through her entire foot rub, which was highly entertaining for everyone.

I also spent a recent weekend at Lake Livingston, relaxing with girlfriends. At first, that mommy guilt kicked in, but once I had a coffee martini in me (drinking at 10 a.m. rocks!), I was in heaven. It's been a long time since I have laughed so much and so hard. This is a place I've been visiting since my mid-20's, so it was nice to reconnect with ME. I took some notes on my iPhone of all the funny things said that day, but when I went back and read them ... well, it wasn't exactly PG stuff. Girls can be raunchy after a few vodka lemonades!

Check out the view ... how perfect is that? I also got to indulge my need for speed on one of the new wave runners. 49 MPH, folks! (I had the butt bruises to prove it.)

Last weekend, Anabella and I went to KB's house to help decorate cupcakes for a bake sale to support my friend Kathy's puppy rescue charity. Anabella had the best time and looked friggin' adorable. She even did a pretty good job decorating.

And sampling ...

And then we got to bottle feed these sweet little babies ... all 8 of them. My recent tingling of wanting another baby was completely squashed, so that was the good news.

Scarlett is still adorable and perfect ... and nearing two! Lately, she has been discovering her love of shoes.


And the best part of the last few weekends ... Anabella is now miraculously potty trained! I don't WTF happened there, but thank you to the potty gods for small favors. That child has given me more bathroom problems than I could have ever imagined ... remember the days of finger painting with poop?! Or when I had to duct tape her into her diapers? No more! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What will cause Rhonda to drink heavily this week?

Here's the lowdown on the warfare against me over the past few days.

• Crohn's in full flare-up. Spent most of the weekend in bed.
• Waiting for layoffs at work ... which feels like waiting for the Grim Reaper to arrive.
• Deuce, curled up on my chest sleeping, looks up and takes a bite out of my NECK. The really sensitive part of my neck half way between my chin and collar bone. A-hole.
• Anabella is pushing all of my buttons at every opportunity. Telling me "no" and being quite the PITA.
• Scarlett runs up behind me, hugs my leg ... and then BITES me on the ass. Hard. Then laughs.
• Deuce knocks my bedside lamp onto my head in the middle of the night, almost giving me a complete heart attack.
• Scarlett continues to manhandle Deuce and requires constant supervision. But now she runs, with Deuce still in her grips, if I reprimand her.
• Put Deuce in my bedroom for a few minutes to give Scarlett a "time out." He crawls into my bra/panty drawer and PEES.
• Did I mention Dan is out of town?

So, what will it be?

Hey Shorty, it's my birthday! (Updated!)

I'm all grown up now, but you can tell this is me by the red hair and the "WTF?" look on my face. Apparently some things never change.

This has been a pretty decent day. Not the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER, but I am keeping a pro/con list and so far the pros are winning. (I'll update this as the day goes on.)

PROS
1. 11 phone calls, five text messages, several in-person well wishes, four emails and four e-cards so far (including one from Omar!)
2. Treated to lunch by KB – free pizza from CPK, because they goofed and put basil on mine
3. Complimented by strangers on my car, my blouse and my purse today
4. Cake - twice! (Thank you Agustin for the Crave cupcakes!)
5. Been shot at by confetti guns four times and haven't died from the shock
6. I share my birthday with NCS (who is also 39 today), my aunt Cynthia, my sister-in-law Stephanie, Matt D., and my sweet little friend LTR, who turned 12
7. The celebration continues until Saturday (margaritas and Mexican food with close friends)

CONS
1. Checked mail for birthday cards – found jury summons instead
2. 364 days until 40
3. Sick from so much cake this week



(Agustin was also responsible for the confetti guns, but luckily he provided directions.)

Spiraling

I made the rounds to some of my favorite blogs at lunch and there seems to be a common theme these days ... the economy, bad times and general blah-ness.

And it's much of the same going on here, which is why I haven't been blogging. I haven't enjoyed much free time (Dan has been traveling a lot), and it's all been doom and gloom lately, so I didn't want to bring you all down. Work life (still at AIG) a total mess? Check. Personal life (big demands, little resources) taking a toll? Check. Family drama and turmoil (my poor dad is sleeping on my couch ... don't ask)? Check. Turning almost 40 this week? Check. Want to run away? Check.

I am still a "half-full" girl, but lately I've needed some help staying there. While driving in the car this weekend, Anabella was noticing all the wild flowers ... naming off the colors ... and then she stops and says "Mommy, those flowers are for you. ALL the flowers are for you." Of course that got me all teary-eyed. How sweet! What a precious little girl. I spent the rest of the afternoon in one of those "I should appreciate the things I have" moods.

Not five hours later, I am changing into sleep clothes and Anabella laughs and points to the back of my leg. "That's bumpy!"

Anabella giveth, Anabella taketh away.



-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a little reality to a certain three-year-old girl. That's cellulite, Anabella, and you will know all about it in approximately 20 years.

Blah, Ugh, Help

Dan has been traveling for over a week now, and although I am not totally alone in the endeavor to keep my children safe and sound, I still feel like I have been hit by a very large truck. Maybe even a bulldozer. Whatever it was, I'm the roadkill. Scarlett summed it up yesterday ...




I really wasn't expecting it to be this hard. Dan traveled a lot when Scarlett was a newborn, and that was exhausting too, but something about working full-time and then coming home to two toddlers (one of whom refuses to go to bed before 9:30) is beyond difficult.

So, first I'd like to give a shout out to all the working, single moms. Holy crap, you ladies deserve an award! Second, while I would like to whine some more about poor me getting my ass kicked by a bunch of half-pints, I really just wanted everyone to know why I haven't been blogging.

And since I am sleep deprived and clearly on the road to depression, here's a fun exercise ... a way for you all to make me feel better. (I stole the idea from a local radio show.) PLEASE entertain me with your witty comments. I need something to keep me awake until at least 10 p.m. And I might even give a prize.


Name something that the Internet has ruined forever.


Their list included:

• Rick Astley (have you been "Rick Rolled?")


• Cats (Because everyone is bothering the poor cats with photo taking for funny captions on Internet sites. Whatever, cats. Get over it.)


• Watching TV with other people


• Motivational posters (I think we are okay with this one, right?)


• Phone books


• Newspapers


• Tom Cruise


• Porn (Because it's no longer mysterious and hard to come by ... and yes, I avoided the obvious joke there ... whaaa. Poor porn guys. It's all so common now.)


• Journalism (I think that might be a dig at bloggers!)


• Privacy

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a large helping of parental exhaustion with a side of "what the hell happened to my life?"

Me -- In Numbers

Stealing Borrowing an idea from Omar today ... he won't mind and he's probably not reading this post anyway.

So here is what I have been up to since last Wednesday "by the numbers:"

6 - NCAA basketball games I watched (53 - Number of brackets I need to "grade" tonight for the pool I am participating in)

5 - Bottles of champagne consumed on Sunday for Jéanne's birthday (I had help!)

4 - Massages I've had since last Thursday (I canceled a membership at Massage Envy and was forced to use the stockpile ... poor me.)

3 - Trips to Target (and subsequently, to Starbucks ... so much for quitting that habit)

2 - Birthday parties attended (One at Jumpin' Jungle, but that didn't include champagne. Unfortunately.)

1 - Number of amazing things Scarlett did at breakfast on Sunday (She was playing with a fork ... banging it on the table mainly ... then she starts stabbing eggs and eating off of it like she had been doing it for years.) Pictures? Of course!

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving the certainty that Scarlett is, in fact, a gifted child. Stabbing with the fork AND "enrolling." Go ahead and look that up. I had to.

Happy Birthday, KB!

My good friend KB turned the big 4-0 last week and we celebrated last night with lots of cocktails, dancing and general tomfoolery. I really don't go "out out" very often (because dealing with two toddlers while nursing a hangover is like going to a rock concert with a migraine), but after a few glasses of wine and two double Grey Goose and cranberries, 25-year-old Rhonda showed up ... dancing and ordering shots.

And I almost pulled off the whole "38 is the new 25 thing", but here is how I know that a.) I cannot party like a 20 year old, and b.) I was way over served last night.

1. I convinced my husband to stop at Jack in the Box at 1:30 a.m. where I proceeded to order a very large hamburger and an egg roll.
2. My bar tab - $160
3. First thought this morning ... "I hope no one publishes any of those photos to Facebook/Blogger/MySpace" (And immediately sent text messages to every one with a camera).
4. Drove to Sonic at 9:00 a.m. to order a Coke for breakfast
5. Took my first shot of Jagermeister in well over 15 years
6. The faint memory of dancing to the Flo Rida song "Low," and slapping my own ass in a public place.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving shots of "Act your age."

Second-annual mommy's retreat/great escape

Halle and I have managed to pull off another great escape to Lake Austin Spa. In fact, I just returned to my room after an 80-minute massage. Ah. Two more days of eating, boozing, spa-ing and relaxing.

Check out their website if you want to get properly envious.

www.lakeaustinspa.com



-- The B.S Cafe is now serving foot rubs and large glasses of Pinot Grigio.

Taking a Chill Pill

Sorry I haven't been around much, but I have been taking it easy. I don't think I have ever shared here that I have Crohn's disease (mainly because it has been in remission and quite frankly, it's a bit of a downer), but I do ... and it's back with a vengeance.

So, I've been relaxing as much as possible, which means everything else has been sidelined over the past week. But the good news is I am feeling better every day and apparently potato soup is a miracle cure for intestinal disorders. Just so you know.

I have also been taken off of "hate mail" duty at work and that helped my angry gut almost immediately. But here is what I learned from answering nasty emails for almost two weeks.

1. Excessive use of exclamation points (e.g. I am so angry!!!!!!) or question marks (e.g. What is wrong with you people??????????) means you are very, VERY pissed.
2. Some people don't understand how to use rhetorical questions properly. (e.g. Don't you think I would like a spa vacation??? I demand an answer!)
3. Making threats is okay, just make sure suspicion won't fall on you by using a clause like "Not that I would do that," "I don't think it's right, but..." or "I'm not saying I want this to happen, but..."
4. If a person closes a letter by saying "I'm not crazy, I just want to know," they are crazy.

Weekend Disturbia

It was a wonderful weekend...lots of QT with the girls, a 90-minute massage, and tailgating with the hubby at the Texans game. It was perfect, except for two of the most disturbing incidents in my recent life.

Saturday morning, we wake up to Scarlett making silly sounds through the baby monitor.

Hubby: Good morning. I had a really nice dream about you last night.

Me: Really? Well I dreamed that I was having sex with Donald Trump. (I have no filter first thing in the morning.)

Hubby: WHY?

Me: I don't know! But if it makes you feel any better, he had a really small penis.

Hubby: I could have guessed that.

Of course I spent the rest of the day trying to decipher my dream. I'm sure it goes without saying that I do not find him attractive. I hadn't been talking about him or seen him on TV recently. So WTF?

Fast-forward to Sunday.

It was a gorgeous day...sunny, cool and slightly windy. We are out in the parking lot at Reliant Stadium tailgating before the game, and suddenly I have to go...like NOW. So I did what I never do...I used the port-o-potty.

I was taking care of my business when I felt something splash back UP onto my butt cheek. AHHHHH! NO! Not blue poo water on my butt cheek!! I had come armed with hand sanitizer and paper towels, but no amount of sanitizer on my cheek made it feel clean. In fact, I have never left more dirty. Ugh.

It was all I could think about for the next 3 hours. The hubby tried to calm me down, but all I could think about was that spot on my butt cheek and God only knows WHO'S poo water on it.

As soon as we got home, I stripped off my clothes and washed them in boiling hot water. Then I went straight to the shower where I washed that spot for about half an hour.

I can still feel the poo water on that cheek...I'll never recover.

The Scoop

I am going to back to work...tomorrow. It's been three years since I've worked full time, and almost eight years since I worked in Corporate America, so I think I might be in for quite a shock.

In addition to my sadness about leaving the girls (and the little company I have built), and not being 100% certain this is the right thing to do, I have also been completely traumatized by shopping for work clothes this past week. You would think getting a whole new "non-mommy" wardrobe would be fun, but I would have enjoyed myself more if I had been dining on glass and sipping antifreeze. But I muddled through and spent all day Friday shopping for shoes, which got my spirits back up.

So, wish me luck. I'm not going to mention the company (unless you can guarantee I will reap fame and wealth like Dooce), but I am very excited about the job (public relations and corporate communications) and it seems like a great place to work.

Here's hoping I can drag my a** out of bed on time, and that I don't go road-ragetastic on someone first thing in the morning!

End of a Hair-a

It's been many years since I have done more than trim my hair. I decided when I got pregnant with Scarlett that I would grow it as long as possible and then cut it for Locks of Love. Well, Scarlett turned seven months old last week, and my hair was still going strong. So I made an appointment. No big deal, right?

Not exactly. As I got closer and closer to the salon, I started having a panic attack...frantically calling my closest friends for the mental shove I needed. Of course I couldn't get anyone on the phone, so I sat in the parking lot, not sure I could even go in. (I had no idea I was so attached to my hair! No pun intended.) After several arguments with myself, I finally got a grip and realized the whole point was to help a child who has lost ALL of his or her hair and there I was freaking out about just cutting mine. So I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties, and went inside.


Rhonda before:

One pair of scissors, one cocktail, and 15 minutes later...Rhonda after:

So a 12" ponytail will be on it's way to Locks of Love on Monday. If you want to know more about it, visit www.locksoflove.org.

And big kudos to my friend Nam who did the exact same thing last week. She was even excited about her new, sassy haircut, so she gets an extra thumbs up for not being a big cry baby.

How I know I am getting old

1. I told someone who is 30 that he is a "baby."
2. I scolded some teenagers for running in the hall and bumping into my 2-year-old daughter at school. (Although I did say it in a very young, hip way..."Hey Dudes, take it down a notch!)
3. I chased some elementary school kids down the street after they threw pine cones at my car. When I caught up to them, I threatened to call their parents and the police. (WTF, me?! Don't be crazy parent-calling lady!!!!)
4. Some teenagers asked me how old they looked, and the one who I guessed to be the oldest was EXCITED. And I couldn't remember when I was last excited to look older. And I told them not to try to grow up so fast. (Wha??? Only old people say that!)
5. I found two pair of shoes I liked in a particular style I wanted...and I bought the pair that was more COMFORTABLE, instead of the ultra-cute pair!

Defensive Driving, the White Sox, and a MEME

It's been a pretty uneventful few days here at the B.S. Cafe. I was taking defensive driving online, which was a real barrel of monkeys. It was actually much better than going to one of those classes, and I learned a few things, so I guess I shouldn't complain. Did you know that...

• You can turn left on a red light onto a one-way street.


• Alcohol is absorbed into your blood streamed faster when combined with a carbonated beverage.


• It would take a train going 60 MPH a mile to stop.

I also spent the weekend watching the Astros play the White Sox and I didn't get to see Scott Podsednik even once...apparently he's injured, but he could have at last walked across the field in a towel or something! You know, just for the fans. (If you don't know about my crush on him, go here.)

So after all that non-excitement, I finally got around to seeing what my bloggy friends have been up to and I found out I was tagged for a MEME over at crap-o-rama (Don't you just love that name?) So here it goes...

Five Reasons Why I Blog

1. It's fun...and it keeps the creative side of my brain happy.
2. I like being part of the blogging community and "meeting" new people.
3. It's the diary I always wanted to keep...and it helps me relive my crazy checkered past. (which is fun when life turns predictable.)
4. I started blogging when I was having a small identity crisis (meaning I didn't have one....I was a mommy and a wife, but not just ME) and it really helped me through it. Blogging saved me from buying a sports car, cutting off all my hair, or getting a cabana boy.
5. I love being able to say "that's going in my blog!"

I am only tagging others if they want to be tagged, so consider this a suggestion... No Cool Story, Elastic, Compulsive Writer, yerdoingitwrong, and Toni.

Oscar Extravaganza

Last Sunday was my 5th annual Oscar Extravaganza. I rolled out the red carpet for 12 of my fabulous friends, who came over for food, wine, swag bags, and the opportunity to win the coveted Golden Biatch Award.

I love the Oscars. It's fun to try to see as many of the movies as possible (although it didn't help me pick the winners) beforehand, but my favorite part is the acceptance speeches...or, the GOOD acceptance speeches. (Forest Whitaker did a great job, but he was the only standout this year.)

Having Ellen D. as the host was an added bonus. She was so funny! And thank goodness, because otherwise this year's show was sooooooo long, and kind of boring. Anyway, here's a few photos, including the GB in her new home (until next year).

The girls walking the red carpet...

Party shots

I know it's hard to believe, but I made her myself. She got a dress this year, and those are empty wine bottles around her feet. Looks like Bunny found an appropriate place for her...on a throne.