Merry Christmas!

What's funny about this photo is that Anabella has never met a stranger, and Scarlett never cries. Guess Santa smelled funny or something.

Merry Christmas!!

A post for your imagination

Here is a list of interesting things I have seen over the past few weeks, but was unable to get a photo of...due to driving a car, lack of quick reflexes, or whatever. It always haunts me when a good blog photo gets away, so just close your eyes and use your imagination...

- A little squirrel (a teenager, not a full-grown squirrel) holding a giant donut in his cute little paws and eating away.

- A dirty, scraggly homeless man, pushing a grocery cart down the street in his Michael Vick football jersey.

- A Whitney Houston look alike (but probably in her 60's) dressed in 80's workout gear (think leg warmers), alternately walking like a chicken, dancing, and then stretching by the side of a busy road.

And one from my friend Kim...

- A guy riding a motorcycle with a Barbie doll pasted to the seat behind him, as if she was his girlfriend.

Who won the battle?

My two year old has been sick since Friday with a cough and runny nose. She came down with a fever last night, so we needed to give her some Tylenol. The funny thing about this age is that you can no longer just squirt the liquid stuff down their throat or hide it in their milk. You have to try and reason with them about why they should suck on the yucky grape quick dissolve tablet. Luckily, I was nursing the baby, so my husband took on the task. To say it was comical would be an understatement.

ATTEMPT #1
Dan: Anabella you have to take this.

Anabella: NO WAY.

Dan: It will make you feel better. Please.

Anabella: NO WAY.

Repeat five or six times.

ATTEMPT #2
Dan tries to force it into her mouth. Anabella tightens lips.

ATTEMPT #3
Dan tries to break tablet and force into her mouth. He manages to pry it in between her lips. But then Anabella spits it out on the carpet. (Me: THANKS!) And now she is pissed. And crying.

ATTEMPT #4
Dan gets new tablet.

Dan: I am going to put this on the counter and you need to eat it when you are ready.

5 minutes later and the tablet is still untouched....

ATTEMPT #5
Dan: Anabella if you take this medicine, you can have a vitamin. (They are gummy bears and she loves them.)

Anabella: NO.

Dan holds vitamin and Anabella tries to grab it.

Dan: Eat this first, then you get the vitamin.

Repeat three more times.

Anabella finally puts tablet in her mouth and grabs vitamin.

Dan: Well, I guess Daddy won that one.

Dan smiles and leaves room.

Anabella spits out remaining tablet on floor and eats vitamin.

Hallelujah Thursday

I had a big "WTF? Wednesday" planned yesterday, but then I went to HEB for milk and discovered this...




"It's just wine," you say.

"NO!" I exclaim. "It's freedom!"

Freedom to purchase wine in the neighborhood I live in. That's right folks. Up until LAST NIGHT, I could not purchase wine unless I drove out of this county.

Don't ask me how I managed to move into a dry county in the first place, but I did redeem myself by dragging my butt to the polls in November to vote "yes" to wine sales and "yes" to being able to purchase a cocktail while dining out. And yes, I was up to my neck in children, and my husband was out of town, but a woman has to get her priorities straight.

So, WTF Wednesday was preempted by a bottle of Chianti.

What's for lunch?

Nothing healthy apparently. Yes, this is a "snack size" package of marshmellows. I admit to throwing in a package of goldfish, Cheese Nips, even Teddy Grahams or maybe some little cookie crisps into Anabella's lunch, but I find this ridiculous. To me this says that we have officially given up. I didn't check, but I am fairly certain there is no nutritional value in marshmellows, especially the ones they used red dye on to make them "strawberry."

So, I am going to pass on the fancy packaging. I'll just put some sugar packets and a sippy cup full of chocolate syrup into her lunch box tomorrow.

The week in review...as seen by my iPhone

After discovering that Voles might not be as bad as Omar makes them out to be (Look! This one even has musical talent.)...

And getting my ass kicked by my two year old while her daddy was out of town the week of Thanksgiving (Yes, this is the extreme I had to go to to keep her in her room one night. She outwitted me by discovering our handles go "up" too!)...

I decided to just spent lots of quality time with my "foxy" baby this past week. (Isn't she cute...and the sweet little outfit is courtesy of "Aunt" Laura. Thanks, LC!)

I also made a few trips to our new HEB...the current Mecca of my universe. And I totally adore them for having "child" parking. Finally, a perk! (Besides the whole joy of parenting thing, of course.)

Then, I snuck out of the house one night (with a bottle of wine) to meet my friend Tracie for pedicures. I am so brain dead that I wore closed-toe shoes...which means I was forced to wear these lovely wood-grain foam flop things out in public. And not just "out in public" like to my car...we went to a restaurant afterwards and I wore these inside. How daring and carefree is that?

Next, a WTF taken on the sly at the bank on Friday. Can you see the dashboard? It's held together with duct tape. I am no mechanic, but I am pretty sure that if you have to use duct tape to keep your dashboard/steering wheel attached to your car, you might want to consider buying a new one.

And finally, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my friend Kara who turned the big 3-0 on Friday. We celebrated in true "dirty thirties" fashion. (You should see the photos from the END of the evening!)

A moment of clarity...courtesy of PetsMart

Finally. My new job description presents itself. Thank you, PetsMart.

That's right. I'm a "Stool Manager." Don't be sad for me. I run a department of 6, not including myself.

• There's the two cats, who produce three litter boxes of stool per week.
• Next are the two dogs, who produce at least a Target bag full of stool once a week. And as a bonus, Winston the Bulldog works overtime, bringing me extra stool in the form of dingle berries at least once a day. (Note to bloggy friends: Do not buy a dog that has an a**hole that points up. You will be wiping his butt until the day he dies.)
• Finally, we have the two little girls. One who produces adult-like poo and likes to spread it around, literally. And the smaller one, who kindly keeps it in her diaper, but produces a stool that is slightly less appealing to the senses...if that's really even possible.

And to think, just 3 years ago I was just a measly self-employed communications consultant who had the world in her hand. Look at me now people!

Why I only drink Mocha

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here are the three things I am most thankful for today...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday - General Moaning and Groaning

Have you missed me? The hubby was gone for 10 days over the past 2 weeks, so my "free" time was spent either sleeping, or caffeinating myself to the point of the jitters. To say it's a little hellish when he isn't here would be a bit of an understatement, and any posts would have been me whining about taking care of the kids alone, so really I saved you all from wanting to cyber slap me. So here's an extra long WTF Wednesday to make up for my absence.

RAGE ROVER
That's me. Because my Range Rover has suddenly turned into a piece of crap. The "service engine soon" light came on, so I took it to the dealership. I got in my loaner car (which was brand new and had all of 40 miles on it) and it proceeded to break down not 2 hours later. When I got my car back, it drove fine for a few days and then completely overheated and had to be towed to the dealership again. (Luckily the hubby was in it at the time...his payback for being out of town so much...ha!) So it's back in the shop. The car does have over 70K miles on it, but WTF? This is the 3rd time it has been in the shop this year...twice for the SAME problem. And of course we only have a few thousand miles of warranty left. I am starting to think that cars have some sort of countdown clock to the end of warranty and then things just start falling apart.

IT'S A-N-A-B-E-L-L-A

I have apparently cursed my daughter with a name that is doomed to be misspelled for her entire life. We intentionally only used one "n" because my husband has some irrational fear of people calling her "Ann." But now it seems that no one can spell it correctly. It doesn't really bother me, except when they constantly misspell it at her preschool. Any of you who have or know a kid in preschool knows that I have to put her name on EVERYTHING. This is just a sampling...

It's practically stamped on her forehead and tattooed on her ass, so it's kind of irritating that her teachers, who see her name on everything she owns, still misspell it day in and day out. See her name in the middle of this commemorative plate from their class last year (by the yellow flower)? Notice anything wrong? WTF?

THE LEAST ECONOMICAL VEHICLE EVER

I was at Sam's this week and noticed a bunch of firefighters shopping for what I assume to be supplies for the fire station. It didn't turn into a "WTF?" until I got in the parking lot and saw them loading their basket of stuff into an actual fire engine. That seems really wasteful to me. WTF, fire fighters? It wasn't like you stopped by Sam's on the way back from a fire. And although I respect and admire you more than words can say, couldn't you guys jump in a car to do the shopping? Driving four Hummers to Sam's probably would have saved money on gas.

And finally, I am SO sick of people almost killing me while they drive and talk on cell phones. I know I've talked about it before, but it seems to be getting worse. Last week one of my neighbors almost had a head-on collision with my dad when she pulled out of our subdivision and onto the wrong side of the divided street while chatting on the phone. She even honked at him and gave him the "WTF?" look before she realized she was heading into oncoming traffic. I almost want to run for office so I could make it my personal mission to ban cell phones in cars. Am I the only person who feels this way? Under my rule, these signs would be posted everywhere!

Me Eat Pretty Houses

In our old neighborhood, where I still take my daughter to preschool, these signs are in every yard. Apparently, someone wants to put up a high rise. And while I am way too tired to take a side at the moment (it's a constant zoning debate here in Houston...we don't have any and that appears to be a problem!), I always laugh when I see these signs.

I picture the building coming to life and stomping around the neighborhood like Godzilla. "MEAN BUILDING EAT HAPPY NEIGHBORHOOD AND PEEK IN PEOPLE'S WINDOWS!"

They definitely get an A+ in the marketing department. This is the most memorable advertisement I have seen in a while.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

One way to keep the 2 year old somewhat in line while nursing the baby is to turn on Sesame Street or The Wiggles. It's a not a perfect trick, but it does keep the destruction and tantrums minimal. But, it also turns my mind to mush, being that I am a "captive" audience.

So, I have been watching so much children's programming that I have found myself having issues with Elmo or Greg or whoever. For instance, Murray was explaining how all the Wiggles and their friends helped out with the furniture when they moved into Wiggle house. But in the next episode, the Little Wiggles are living in Wiggle house with all the same furnishings. WTF Wiggles? Did you think that would slide past me?

And Elmo...well, I love him. I rarely get too crazy watching him, but he needs to stop with the third person references. It gets old when Regis Philbin does it and it's getting old with you too, Elmo. I also don't believe that Mr. Penguin wanted his peanut butter sandwich on pumpernickel bread. I understand that the letter of the day was "P", but WTF Sesame Street? No one would order a peanut butter on pumpernickel with a potato and pineapple. No one.

I would think that maybe I was losing my mind a little, if my husband hadn't recently mentioned that he is having "issues" with Winnie the Pooh. Apparently, Winnie gave Roo a honey jar to present to his mom for her birthday, but he had eaten all the honey first. And on another episode he ate everyone's Halloween candy. So Dan thinks Winnie is a fat, lazy, inconsiderate bear who is sending the wrong messages to children. Take that, Pooh!

And speaking of....just a little update on PoopFest 2007. Whenever my daughter goes #2 now, she comes and tells us that she has "bad poo"...which is much better than having her smear it on the walls. So, if any of you parents out there experience it, cold showers are the answer. Say no to bad poo, kids!

Happy Halloween

From the funny farm.

"What the F*ck?" Chuck

WTF is up with Chuck Norris? He is EVERYWHERE, and I just don't understand the attraction/love/obsession.

First, there are Walker Texas Ranger reruns on at all times of the day and night. (Per an Internet search, that show went off the air 6 years ago...it's time to let it go, folks. Seriously. And for all you non-Texans who think that the show is a representation of life here in the Lone Star State, please come visit.)

Then, of course, there are the non-stop infomercials of Chuck and Christie Brinkley selling The Total Gym. I was also recently watching a episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien (which I NEVER watch), and he was playing clips from Chuck Norris movies. I turned on the radio last week and the morning show guys from the hippest station in town were giving out Chuck Norris "facts"... such as "Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father" and "Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door." (Which were actually kind of funny, but I had no idea everyone held Chuck Norris in such high regard.)

He's in a Mountain Dew commercial (that is also pretty funny) and he also has a new Honda commercial with the tag line "tough meets classy."

So I have to know people...WTF is up with Chuck Norris??? He seems like a nice enough guy...I mean, he doesn't make me want to vomit like say, Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van D*ckhead. But I still don't get it.

Enlighten me...PLEASE.

New Tricks

Although it appears that PoopFest 2007 may have finally come to an end, nothing is ever boring with my precious Anabella. I mean, she can't just be good, right?

So her new trick...

After putting her to bed one night last week, my mommy radar kicked in and I had that feeling that I should check the monitor to see if she was okay. When i turned on the video, I was greeted by my little girl doing what I have dubbed as "Toddler Tae Bo" in the nude. She was standing in bed, doing all kinds of kicks and jumps and toe touches. I have to admit that it was pretty friggin funny, until I pictured what would happen if she need to potty.

So I ran upstairs and was greeted by little Miss NakedPants smiling all sweetly. "HI!" she said. Then she walked over to the dresser, picked up her pajamas and diaper (which she had folded up neatly before placing them there), and brought them to me. I redressed her, kissed her goodnight, and we made it through the evening without further incident.

Until two days later when it was time for another nighttime nuddie workout.

Where the hell is Rhonda?

In a dark corner holding herself in the fetal position? Not yet.

BIG kudos to all of you ladies out there who have managed a toddler and a newborn. I know it's not impossible and yet, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. So the reason I haven't been posting much is because every "free" minute is used to make me feel sane again...by doing things like showering, eating and going to the restroom.

The highlight of this past week was finding my second gray hair. There it was sticking straight out from my temple. (The first showed up after I got married...and now this one appears once my sweet Anabella hits her terrible twos. No coincedence there.) Of course, I got right to work ridding myself of it, but unfortuately several innocent red hairs died in the process. Why are those little gray ones so hard to pull? Anyway, Dan put his fabulous spin on it.

Me: I can't believe I have a second gray hair! I'm only 37.

Dan: Well, at least it's not down there.

Me: Yes, that is quite a relief.

So, Here's the stats, in case anyone besides me is interested:

Times I've been projectile puked on: 4
Number of times I was fully dressed and ready to leave the house when it happened: 2
Times I've been peed on while changing a diaper: 3
Pounds lost: 37
Number of things I have bought off infomercials: 0 (only becuase I haven't had the energy to find my credit card.
Number of cold showers for Anabella after playing with poop: ZERO! Thank you for small miracles. However, she does have a new "trick", which I will tell you all about tomorrow.

Oh, and did I mention that we all fighting off a cold? Lovely.

Weekend Dose of Cuteness

She will 4 weeks old tomorrow and I already see a little of me in her...besides the good looks, of course. Like her mama, Scarlett hates to have her feet covered and will wiggle endlessly until they are free.

"What the Fuck?" Wednesday - Halloween Horror

I love Target...anyone who knows me knows this to be true. But I have to say that I was a little disturbed when I noticed some of the costumes they are marketing to girls through their Target brand. As a mom of two little girls, this is the kind of stuff that makes me wonder how in the hell I am going to raise smart, savvy, self-respecting women.

What do these costumes say to you?

"Hi. I'm a GEISHA, which means I am here to entertain men. Yes, I know I am only seven, but since they put 'spider' in front of geisha, no one should find this disturbing."

"Look how cute being in the military is! Make your top a little sassy and wear heels with your uniform...viola! Being the army is downright sexy, fashionable and fun."

WTF Target? Is anyone actually thinking before they put this stuff on the shelf?

New product for men

I was keeping my mind stimulated the other night by reading the grocery receipt, when I stumbled upon a very strange purchase.

Could it be some new gel/foam/lubricant/happy pill that will keep my husband's Mr. How Do You Do "preserved" while we endure the doctor mandated sexual hiatus for the remaining 3 weeks?? I rummaged through the cabinets trying to figure out what he bought for his penis, when I finally came across the DICKINSON'S Strawberry Preserves in the pantry (notice that just three items down, the Dickinson's Pumpkin Butter is abbreviated quite differently).

So for my next job, I want to be the person who decides what abbreviations go on the receipts at the grocery store. (The current guy seems like he might be like Brad Pitt in Fight Club...getting a kick from sneaking in one frame of porn into the kid movies.) Of course, I would be less sexual/pornographic and more humorous/sarcastic. Kind of like when Omar bought a "boy toy" at Burger King!

My week in review

Unfortunately, my life is pretty boring at the moment. It's all babies, lessons in patience, and watching TV. But to keep myself entertained, I have been keeping track of some personal stats. Here are the current tallies:

• Times I've been projectile puked on: 2


• Times I've been peed on while changing a diaper: 2


• Pounds lost: 33 (I gained 50, so don't be too impressed, especially since I still had "baby weight" from the last one!)


• Number of cold showers for Anabella after playing with poop since the baby came home: 3
  
• Number of things I have bought off infomercials: 0 (this is quite a feat)
  
• Number of things I am very tempted to buy off an infomercial: 2 (The Tobi steamer looks really cool.)
• Number of times I have been tempted to drink heavily after dealing with terrible two year old: Countless

Couldn't have said it better myself

Yes, little Miss Scarlett already communicates quite well. This pretty much summarizes how things are going around here. Between sleep deprivation and cabin fever...and the terrible two-year old and her temper tantrums...well, it can only get better, right? RIGHT?

What the F*ck? Wednesday - The man I can't escape

WTF is up with Kevin Trudeau? This guy is everywhere...if you are up all night long watching TV, that is. He has an infomercial on every other channel...he's apparently quite a know it all...he has the secrets! Weight loss or alternative cures to diseases or speed reading or increasing your memory...Kevin Trudeau has the answer. But the real kicker is that he isn't a doctor nor has he had any medical training...WTF, TV people? You don't have to be qualified to dispense medical advice these days?


And WTF happened to the cool infomercials where they actually sell stuff a sleep-deprived woman wants? During the first few months of my other daughter's life, I bought a Magic Bullet, the Paint Buddy, the 6-week Body Makeover, the TurboJam Workout and a Scunci Steamer. Now my only choices are some nut job giving out medical advice and people who want me to buy foreclosed homes. Am I going to have to start watching QVC or HSN? I can only take so many more late night reruns of The Hills and The Real World.

It's not Thursday?

I know I promised a pic and post by last Thursday, but apparently I was high on hormones. I forgot just how much having a baby kicks your ass. But I digress....

INTRODUCING....Scarlett Mae!!

Turns out that she was a big baby (thank goodness!). She weighed in at 8 pounds and 14 ounces. She's a total sweetheart, and a very good baby so far (knocking on wood), I just didn't realize the challenge I was facing coupling new baby/sleep deprivation with trying to maintain a happy relationship with my two year old. She's lost it several times, and I was not at all prepared for the feelings of guilt, sadness, etc.

But other than that, everything is GREAT. Ha!

And thanks for all the notes....I really appreciate it. If you leave a comment on this post, you can be a part of Scarlett's permanent record. (I am going to print it out and put it in her baby book. So keep it clean people.)

Top 5 reasons I am glad to be having this baby tomorrow

5. This naming ordeal will finally be over, because no we still haven't made a final decision on a name yet.

4. I will be one step closer to retiring my maternity panties. (For those who haven't walked this road, maternity panties are worse than granny panties because they are extra, extra large in the front. It's bad enough that I have to look at them while pulling them out of the dryer, but the real embarrassment is packing them in your suitcase and knowing some TSA guy is making a joke about your big-ass panties.)

3. Three days in the hospital with no Wiggles or Sesame Street! I've been spending way too much time with them lately. I was on my way to meet some friends last Thursday and had been alone in my car for 15 minutes before I realized I was not only listening to, but also SINGING along with my daughter's Wiggles CD.

2. Seeing my toes, bending over without grunting, walking without a waddle, sitting straight up in bed (instead of having to roll)...and (hopefully) not having to endure any more comments about how HUGE I am.

1. HAVING A NEW BABY! Playing with those tiny little fingers and toes, holding a sweet little person in your arms for the first time, watching them watching you watching them....I can't wait.

So wish us luck. I won't be home until Thursday, but I will try my best to at least post her photo and name when I return.

Things that make me happy today

Well, between all of my pregnancy complaints and PoopGate 2007, I have still managed to find extreme joy this past week.

My new luv-er, Mr. iPhone
The hubby bought me an iPhone as a "thanks for having my baby" gift. I have to give him major kudos, because it almost makes the acid reflux, lack of sleep, weight gain, itchy rash, and numerous other maladies worthwhile. Mr. iPhone has all kinds of fabulous tricks up his sleeve, and playing with him is an almost orgasmic experience. If you have an inclination to buy one, especially now that the price has been lowered, I say "DO IT!" Mr. iPhone will rock your world.

Flipping Out
TV is finally coming back. I know a lot of you are "too busy" or "too smart" to watch TV, but I'm not. I love TV, especially the entertaining and mostly mindless stuff. My favorite show of the moment is "Flipping Out" on Bravo. It's the perfect combo of home improvement and reality. Jeff flips gorgeous multi-million dollars houses in California, but he also has OCD, ADHD, narcissistic personality disorder, and anger management issues. What could be more perfect? Oh yeah, he's good looking and gay and has a flock of assistants that are non-stop entertaining. So you get cool house ideas coupled with a totally fabulous nut job who says stuff like this...

(Putting in his drink order at lunch) "Ideally, I'd like 75% lemonade, 10% fruit punch and 15% Sprite. If they don't have lemonade, then do 75% fruit punch and 25% Sprite. If they don't have fruit punch, then do 75% lemonade and 25% Sprite." The final episode aired last night, but they are replaying the entire season, so check it out. I promise it will not disappoint.

Half-naked, headless men
I saw this billboard recently, and not only did I nearly wreck trying to get a good look (Way to go, Abercrombie! Finally, some decent female porn.), but then my friend Kelly tells me this is the view from her new office. Lucky bitch. I know the picture isn't great, but you get the idea. A perfect, but headless body...genius.



Think there is any chance I can convince Abercrombie & Fitch to put one in my backyard so I have something to look at over the next 6 to 8 weeks? I mean, besides my sweet, new baby (who will be here in just 5 days!) of course.

Cease Fire

I am very happy to report that we have not experienced any more poo problems since Sunday. Of course, I've been on Red Alert 24/7...always watching for the poo making face and reprimanding my little monkey whenever she reaches toward the back of her diaper.

However there was an incident yesterday....she ate TWO bananas for lunch. She has always loved bananas, and usually has one with breakfast, but instead of eating her fabulous Mexican lunch of chicken, cheese, rice, tortillas, etc., she just kept saying "banana" over and over. So I gave her one, which she ate very quickly and then said "more." So I gave her another.

I would also like to mention that she was playing with her toes a lot yesterday.

So let's take a poll...

Labor Day (Poo) Party Weekend

The holiday took on a whole new meaning at our house this year. On Friday, my sweet little daughter found a new fun way to pass the time...playing with her own poo. I went to get her from her afternoon nap, and even though her diaper and pants were still on, little pieces of poo were everywhere.

She's been in a toddler bed for several months now, so we have a baby gate at her bedroom door to keep her from freely roaming around at night. Apparently she wasn't pleased with the pace at which I came to release her from captivity, so she decided to throw poo over the gate to let me know. It was like visiting the zoo and having the monkeys throw crap at you.

So after 45 minutes of "laboring" over poo cleanup, I started to get a little worried. Why does she not find this disgusting? How could I stop this from happening again? After a little online research, I found that this is a fairly common problem in toddlers (WHEW) and also found several ideas for putting a stop to the problem.

Unfortunately for the babysitter (the crazy sitter from past posts), I forgot to share all of this information and she was greeted with a similar scene when she went to get Ms. Thing from her bedroom on Sunday morning. (We were at a swanky hotel for a one-night "babymoon".) Whoops.

Later that evening, the hubby commented that perhaps our little angel was doing this because she was immediately whisked into a bubble bath after each incident, which is her all time favorite thing at the moment.

So even though I am worried all over again (if she is this clever at 2, what is she going to be like at 16?), the idea has also helped me to get over the grody factor because now my child is a genius, not just some average poo-flinger.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

WTF is up with Leona Helmsley leaving 12 MILLION dollars to her dog? I can't think of one reason to do that, no matter how much money I had...or how angry I was at my relatives. Wouldn't you just leave the money to an animal charity or maybe leave it to an actual PERSON with the stipulation that they take care of the precious dog/cat/whatever?

And how does it even work when you leave it directly to the animal? Does Trouble (yes, that's her name) have her own AmEx? And what the heck is that dog going to do with that much money? There are only so many treats, bones, squeaky toys, etc. that a dog can buy. (Maybe she'll fund a cat-fighting ring. Ha.)

And who is this dog going to leave the money to when SHE dies? The cat?

So many questions...

So Lazzzzzy

Less than 3 weeks to go, and....

1. We still don't have a name.
2. I've never felt more lethargic in my entire life. (all I have been doing is reading and watching TV...and everything makes me cry!)
3. I am so OVER being pregnant that I am now looking forward to actually having this baby....sleep be damned.
4. I realized this week that I kind of miss booze.
5. I have plenty of other things to blog about...I just haven't. I promise to get off my a** and write about something besides me, me, me (and this baby) tomorrow.

Responsibility Sucks

It's the end of an era. We sold the Hummer over the weekend, and I hate to admit it, but we are both going through a bit of a mourning period. It was a fairly impractical vehicle, especially with another baby due on the scene soon, but we both really loved that thing. It was the last remnant from our carefree days (meaning before kids), it was fun to drive (scaring people and feeling powerful is FUN), and it was a vehicle we both dreamed of owning in our teenage years...so it was like a little gas-guzzling dream come true.

So farewell, Hummer. You will be greatly missed!

I guess the good news is that now we only own 2 of the very bad, earth-killing things in this photo (according to Al Gore and No Cool Story).

On the baby naming front, what do yal think of the name Marielle?

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

Just some photos I took around Houston this week...


1. WTF, WTF, WTF Mr. Borden Delivery Man? Why was it necessary to park across THREE handicap spots to carry in one box of stuff? Unfortunately for you, I have been quite hormonal lately and took this shot to send to your company. (The real kicker is that there were only a few cars in the parking lot...plenty of other places to park.)




2. Let me start this by saying that I am sure you are a very nice woman, and I appreciate that you love Souper Salads as much as I do. And yes, I know it is rude to take a photo on the DL while someone is eating, but I just have to know....WTF is up with the toilet paper headband, lady? (Yes, that's right...she has toilet paper wrapped around her head.)


3. Please say it ain't so! Kohl's is bringin' Jelly Shoes back? WTF? Weren't they ugly/uncomfortable enough the first time around? And who decides what "retro" things make a second round? What's next...parachute pants?

4. And finally, the man who was honored with one of my fabulous Target parking tickets. WTF, dude? Your redneck Truck O'Death is all decked out with gun racks, camo crap, and brush guards so you can haul dead animals around, but you need to park in two spaces because you are scared of a door ding? Please don't do this again at high noon at the Chick-fil-a...it's hard enough to get a space in the lot at all...and next time I might leave you more than a silly parking citation.

Get it out!

That has been my general attitude this week.

Only 4 weeks to go, and as you other moms know, I am in hell. Between acid reflux and getting seriously punched in the bladder all night long, I am getting very little sleep. Nothing fits except t-shirts and sweats. Oh, and I really haven't done anything to prepare for this baby. It's such a weird extreme from my first child that I think I might be in total denial that I am even having a child in the immediate future.

I've also been informed that this baby will be larger than my last. Apparently she will be over 8 pounds, which doesn't bother or upset me, except when the news is delivered something like this...

Doctor: Hi there! I see from the ultrasound photos that this is going to be ONE BIG BABY.

It's almost as bad as someone asking if you are having twins when you aren't.

Anyway, the naming game continues on, but now my husband just points out words that rhyme with whatever name I suggest...

Me: Carys?

Him: Like "terrace?"

Me: Yes, so?

Him: (Laughter)

Me: I might kill you soon.

The only thing I don't have to complain about this week are my recent pregnancy dreams. I've had very bizarre dreams for several months (being pregnant with Elvis' baby...having a friend see me naked and then pee on my bathroom floor...just generally unnerving stuff), but this week I had a great dream.

I was married to the guy I had a crush on in high school (the handsome, popular, sweet guy that everyone liked, who is probably managing a Dairy Queen now). I drove a red, convertible Jag, and I was as pregnant as I am now, but I was so thin that no one could tell. Oh, and all the high school people were there fawning all over me. Excellent.

The Reason my second daughter will probably be nameless

Because our naming conversations go something like this:

Me: I found a pretty Irish name that I like.

Him: What is it?

Me: Shaeleigh.

Him: I hate it.

Me: Ok. What do you think of Danica?

Him: I don't.

Me: I see. Well, Halle suggested the name Claire.

Him: If you put an "e" in front of that, she will be a tasty treat.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday -- More celebrity crap

Where to start? How about with the A**hole of the Month (officially for July, but I think he might win for August too), Michael Vick. I did a little dance when I heard that Nike and Reebok pulled his endorsements, but the celebration was over fairly quickly when I saw on CNN that he thinks this is a RACE issue. Oh, and that people are coming after him because he is "famous and wealthy."

WTF, Michael? Are you sure it isn't because they found like 17 dead dogs buried in your yard, along with the 50+ live dogs you had in cages? I have no idea what it is like to be a minority in America (unless you consider female a minority), and I know that many things that happen in our country are race related, but this particular issue has nothing to do with race. It has to do with being a completely heartless a**hole. If Troy Aikman got busted for this same thing, as much as it would break my heart, I would make him a**hole of the month. So please quit whining and trying to make this about something greater than just YOU being a d*ck, Michael Vick.

Ok, on to Britney Spears. WTF is up with her? I mean, I know she married a complete loser and had two children back to back (which would make any woman crazy), but it seems like she is going to go off the deep end really soon. She's gone from attacking a car with an umbrella to throwing baby bottles and threatening to kill people. I don't think she needs rehab, but she could definitely use some medication. Any thoughts?

Finally, OJ Simpson lost the rights to his book (hurray!). At first, I was a little put off by Ron Goldman's family going after the publishing rights, but then I read that they want to change the name to "Confessions of a Double Murderer." OJ actually had the nerve to be upset and call them "hypocrites." WTF, OJ? You owe them $38 million dollars, and it was all fine and dandy when you were going to profit, but now you are mad? Ummm, okay.

Let's just say it's the hormones

In the past few weeks, I have encountered several people who made me want to punch them in the face, including:

- The checkout lady at Party City who asked me if I was having twins. When I said "no," she replied "but you are so BIG." Yes, yes I am, f*ck you very much.
- The woman giving me a pedicure last weekend who said she didn't even notice I was pregnant...apparently, she just thought I was wicked fat.
- The mother at Chick-fil-a who wouldn't control her daughter (or even watch her for that matter), who insisted on pulling and pushing my daughter around (and my friend's twin daughters) in the play area. I finally had to ask her daughter to quit manhandling them myself. Argh.

Then there are the people that I imagined doing something evil to me:
- The cashier at Chick-fil-a who I thought was giving me flack over ordering a coke, but who was actually just concerned because I was holding my stomach (it's sort of an arm rest these days).
- The woman who kept staring to the point that I almost asked "what the f*ck is your problem?" Before I blurted it out, she said "you look so radiant."

Man, what is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be all glowing and nesting and whatever? Instead, I'm acting like I am in in training to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Prison Isn't So Bad

Look at all the fun these guys are having! Geesh, Paris made it seem so awful...she didn't tell us there was dancing and singing and dress up/acting for one lucky guy. Too bad they couldn't find someone with a full head of hair to play the girl.

Don't forget to submit your baby name...see the post below.

Name My Baby

I'm not totally freaking out yet, but this baby will be here in 7 weeks and we still have not decided on a name. So, I'm taking it to my bloggy peeps.

Please help me think of a name for this new baby girl! And if I use your suggestion, I will send you a $50 gift card to Bed, Bath & Beyond or Best Buy...your choice.

Here are some guidelines...

1. Our last name is very generic and only one syllable (e.g. Smith), so the first name should be something long and multi-syllabic.

2. I like unusual, but not weird. (No Apple, Tallulah, etc.)My first daughter's name is Anabella and I really like that we have yet to meet another little girl with her name.

3. No names that have been in the "top 10" within the last 10 years. Here's a listing of those. http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/

4. We have been kicking around the names "Danni" and "Sterling," so if you can think of a cool first/middle name to go with one of those...that meets my "how it sounds and flows" approval...you will win the gift certificate.

5. Foreign names are good, but please refer to #2.

6. If I choose your name, you can be this child's unofficial God parent...feel free to send gifts and money on all the major holidays. ha!

I look forward to seeing what you guys come up with!

Michael Vick -- A**hole of the Month

Congrats to Michael Vick. He has inspired me to start a new feature here at The B.S. Cafe entitled "A**hole of the Month."

In case you haven't heard, he has been indicted on felony dog fighting charges. Back in April, over 70 dogs were found on his property, and according to the indictment, several of the dogs that didn't "perform well" were killed by various methods, including hanging, drowning, and slamming at least one dog's body to the ground.

I could easily rant about how he must be a completely heartless person...or how he has more than enough money to entertain himself, instead of hosting $26,000 grand prize dog fights in his backyard... or how the fact that he called dog fighting a "sport" makes me want to vomit, but I think I will just call him an a**hole and leave it at that.

This is exactly why celebrities and athletes make crappy role models...Michael Vick shouldn't be held in high regard by anyone. And as my boyfriend Jon Stewart said last night, "I'd like to cover him in liver, and let the dogs see if he is as fast and elusive as they say he is."

If you want to do something about it, follow this link to the Humane Society website. You can send an email to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell asking him to suspend Michael Vick, because clearly the only place you can hurt this guy is in his checkbook.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday - Ladies Only Edition

Just for you ladies! Check out the URLs below for some of the strangest "feminine" products out there.

Don't want to wear undies, but need something between you and the crouch of your pants? Go Commando!

Sick of tampons? Now you can use a CUP to catch Aunt Flow. If this product had a better "exit" strategy...and if it was flushable...it might not seem as gross.

"Humiliated by female fishy odor?" (I swear that was the text of a Google Ad on a blog I recently visited.) Check out Femanol.

I don't know anything about curing fishy odor, but I guess Femanol is better than using Lysol as a douche. WTF is up with that?!

And finally, WTF is up with Always Maxipad commercials? Granted, I haven't had a cycle in 8 months, being knocked up and all, but I still find myself wanting to hurt the person (MAN) who is responsible for their marketing campaign. There's nothing like having that time of the month compared to a fun ride on a roller coaster with the tag line of "have a happy period."

Ummm, yeah. Clearly this person (MAN) doesn't have a clue what it's like to menstruate. I can honestly say that having a period is many things...inconvenient, frustrating, painful, annoying, embarrassing, but NEVER EVER "happy." Period.

And if you want to get extra annoyed, go to the website and play some of their "HAHP" games. A**HOLES.

Elmo Party a Complete Success

We hired Elmo to visit during my daughter's birthday today, and I am happy to report that only 1 out of 9 children was completely terrified. In fact, my daughter had a complete blast. She was dancing and running around like a crazy girl...it was so cute.

Elmo was accompanied by a "handler," who orchestrated dancing and games. At one point, he was trying to get the kiddos to name the other Sesame Street characters. Anabella, who was front and center, would scream out some random noun for every picture. Then, he shows a photo of Kermit the Frog...

Handler: Who is this?

Anabella: (points) YOUR BABY!

All the parents burst out laughing.

Handler: MY baby? Hmmm....I need to get my money back.

Friend standing next to me: Poor guy, he just got slammed by a 2 year old!

P.S. Omar, I have accepted your challenge and am now eating my third piece of cake. Not sure I can beat your 17, but I am willing to try!

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday -- Friday Edition

Being pregnant, I am always looking for a snack. After touring the Butterfly Museum on Wednesday, we came across a vending machine. Of course, I made a beeline over to it...just to see if anything sounded good. Well, let's just say I was less than impressed with the selection.

Can I offer you some "Salt n Vinegar" flavored CRICKETS? How about Bacon & Cheese flavor? Sour Cream & Onion?

If none of those sound good, there is always the popular BBQ LARVETS. (EEEK)

Please tell me 1.) WTF is a larvet? and 2.) Who the f*ck eats larvets????

Ms. Thing Turns 2

That's right...my little baby turned two today. Just look at how she has changed!

We are having her party this weekend (Elmo is coming over to entertain 10 little ones...should be interesting!), but we all took the day off and spent it together.

The highlight of the day was a visit to the Butterfly Museum. My poor husband spent the entire time chasing our daughter around as she chased butterflies around, while I got to use the pregnancy card and leisurely strolled around taking photos. Enjoy.

Isn't that the cutest little bird? And he had himself a big wiggly worm for lunch. This is just the "tail end" of the meal.

Rocketman

Okay, I know this is an awful photo, but it was taken with my cell phone and it had to look like I was taking a photo of my daughter, so you are just going to have to use your imagination.

The conversation with my husband went something like this...

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Taking a photo of Anabella (wink).

Him: Okay.

After the other patron in question left...

Him: Okay, now what were you really taking a photo of?

Me: That guy's tattoo...I've never seen anything like it.

Him: It was just a naked girl or something.

Me: Um, no. It was a naked man, riding a rocket, and waving his hand in the air like a cowboy.

Him: Do you think he was gay?

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably) YES, I am pretty sure he was gay!

Him: Well I guess that was some pretty good advertising then.