Fall is here!

Yes, it has happened. Today finally feels like fall (or winter - they are pretty much the same here in Texas)...the temp was well below 70 degrees, the leaves on the trees in the back yard are finally turning colors, and the "big story" on the news was that everyone was out buying winter coats. Anyway, I was rounding up the summer stuff for storage and noticed that this little family of lizards has moved into our umbrella. Aren't they cute?



Don't worry...I decided to leave it out all winter. I can't evict them.















And look at the gorgeous sunset we had this evening.














Ok, that's enough of Mother Nature. More of my usual silliness tomorrow.

P.S. I told my friend Kim that I was going to post this joke to my blog. She spammed me with it today and it actually made me laugh.

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?"

"Beerboobies," he said.

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- Rude driver edition

Today I say "What the F*ck?" to all the rude drivers I have encountered lately. And by rude drivers, I mean the non-wavers. I hate people that don't wave. I have kindly let you out in front of me, even smiling and giving you the little "oh please, go ahead" wave, and then you just get in front of me with absolutely no acknowledgement. This happens to me all the time and I hate these people. In fact, I might just start being one of those jerks who never lets anyone out or in or whatever. The non-wavers have ruined it for everyone.

I would also like to say "What the F*ck?" to the mean old man who flipped me off on Thanksgiving Day for no reason. I gladly accept blame (and the bird) when I do something wrong, but it was completely without cause. I was going 65 in a 60...in the fast lane...and this man was going about 50 in front of me. Before I even got close to him, he changed lanes. As I passed by, he flipped me off and then he rolled down his window and shot me the bird for as long as I could see him in the rear view mirror. Maybe his ex-wife was a redhead or maybe he was an environmentalist who has a thing against SUVs, but did he really have to pull out the bird on Thanksgiving?

Purse Ho

Recently I purchased myself a fabulous new purse. (I am a bit of a Purse Ho. It's either purses or cars, and we can't afford for me to "collect" cars.) Many of my girlfriends have commented on it, but the added bonus has been comments from several men.

On Sunday, after yet another guy complimented my purse (the concession guy at the movies), I started to wonder, what is going on around here? My husband might be able to point out a designer purse, but only if it was covered in their logo and it was hanging in a store owned by the brand. (Ok, he might be able to point it out on the street, but he has endured some serious schooling by being married to me, the Purse Ho.)

So what is up with the Target checkout guy, and the barista at Starbuck's, and the man behind me at lunch? Are men really this fashion conscious?

Monkey Business

I was at Sam's over the weekend, and spotted some baby chairs that reminded me of Omar and his son's horsey chair. Unfortunately, my daughter wasn't scared of any of them, but I did see this one that Radioactive Jam would like...he's all about the monkeys.

Thanks week finale

Today I am thankful for...

1. Laughter. Things that make me laugh almost every day include my daughter, my friends, The Daily Show, and reading other blogs.
2. My family. They are always entertaining, but this year was definitely "turkey and trama" (a saying I am stealing from Stasa, who stole it from someone else). The highlight was my dad using very inappropriate language in front of our 16-month old. He also asked my crazy aunt Cynthia about the highly sensitive subject of spreading her husband's ashes (he's been dead for 10 years), which started a little not-so-friendly banter. Dad was really on his game! Luckily Winston (our bulldog) didn't pee on my aunt's psycho dog this year...that might have been the final straw.
3. This blog and all the cool people I have met through blogging. It's only been a few months, but I really enjoy this creative outlet. And reading other blogs is much more fun than watching another episode of Friends.

It's been a very thankful week, but I am also thankful that it is over and I can go back to being my more bitchy self tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I am very thankful for...

1. The most important people in my life.









2. Our fur family.

3. This beautiful day, the fabulous meal my husband prepared, our good health, and all the people we care about.

I hope your day was full of all the things that make you thankful.

P.S. I am also very thankful for all the leftover pumpkin pies and the fact that I won't feel guilty for eating every last morsel.

Wednesday thanks

Today I am thankful for...

1. Free stuff! So far this week, I have received a free piggy bank, a free diet coke and a free Starbuck's mocha frap (thank you Kroger card for finally paying off).
2. Beautiful weather. As my friend Stasa said, it's going to be nice living in Houston tomorrow...the weather is perfect!
3. Good friends...here are just a few of them.















This was taken at our tailgating party last Sunday (yes, clearly there had been some drinking before this was taken). I am also thankful that the Texans are at least playing better, even if they are still losing.

What are you thankful for?

Suck it, O.J.

In honor of Thanksgiving, I will be posting things to be thankful for this week.

Today I am thankful for:

1. NO BOOK FOR O.J. -- thank you, thank you, thank you! No book, no interview...he can go crawl back under his rock now.
2. TomKat got married. Now my trashy magazines can focus on something more important like Paris Hilton puking onstage in Vegas or what Mathew McConaughey is up to this week.
3. My cousin Doug is safe and will hopefully be returning home from Iraq this January.














What are you thankful for?

Is it me or is it them?

Every few months, my friend Tracie and I pack up the kiddos and head to the Dollar Tree. It's fun to get out of the house, look at the silly/ridiculous/bizarre items, and of course, buy a few cheap things (I got pregnancy tests for a $1...woohoo!). Last Friday at the DT, we come across this sign. I found it very confusing. Does the manager understand the concept of the dollar store? Am I missing something here? Because last time I checked, everything was a $1, not just the items that are on the "promotion" rack.

So if I am having another moment here, please let me know. Muchas gracias.

No Time to Make a Postcard...

...so I am confessing my deep, dark secret to you instead of Postsecret.com or my husband (who hopefully is not reading my blog today).

Back story: The hubby and I pride ourselves on feeding our daughter quality, healthy foods. We figure she has plenty of time to eat bad stuff later. So we try to buy organic whenever possible, no juice or soft drinks, lots of fruits and veggies, nothing deep fried, and no crap (such as Lean Cuisines with 14.1 percent chicken)...until this week.

Here are the things my daughter has tasted this week.

1. Mocha Frappuccino (She was screaming and pointing at my cup, so finally I got frustrated and let her take a sip....she didn't like it. Whew.)

2. Sprite (Just one sip...she burped three times)

3. Chocolate chip cookie (The whole thing. She loved it. She licked her fingers and picked the crumbs off her shirt.)

4. Cat food (She got to the bowl before I could catch her. I think she only ate one piece, but she seemed to like it better than the mocha frap.)

So there. I guess I win the Bad Mom of the Week Award. Hooray.

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- Automobile edition

My car has been giving me BIG headaches lately. A few weeks ago, someone backed into it at Target leaving me with a broken taillight and no note (thanks). $275 and all was well again.

Then one rainy day, it just stops moving forward. One week and $700 later, all was well again. -- P.S. That amount included $150 to fix the wiper on my HEADLIGHT (My reaction...I have wipers on my headlights?!). When I acted all indignant about how ridiculous that little luxury is, I was informed that some people apparently use Land Rovers to go off-roading and get mud on their headlights.



<----Who knew? ;)






Last week, the hubby borrows my car and returns it with a HUGE, unfixable ding in the windshield. (He acted like he didn't know it happened. Uh huh.) And finally, yesterday I notice that a fog light has now been busted out somehow.

WHAT THE F*CK?

Seriously car, please stop it.

So, I have decided that if you are still making car payments, you shouldn't have to pay for anything related to your car. Everything should be covered by your car payment...oil changes, washer fluid, busted lights, new windshields, etc. And when I start Rhonda's Car Finance Company, I promised that is how it will be.

What are you hiding?

I am hiding all kinds of ridiculous things lately. And while I am very good at hiding, sometimes I am not so great at finding. (Somewhere in this house is my one and only sex toy that I was scared my maid might find. Neither of us has come across it in almost 2 years!)

Last night the hubby and I decided to go to a movie. We called the babysitter and she was available. Time to hide some stuff. No, not my jewels or our other riches, but food we hoped to see when we returned home.

The issue with the babysitter (a long-time, single friend of mine who is 6'1", thin and eats like a football team) is that 1.) she tends to gravitate toward very expensive food or things that my hubby has bought as a special treat for one of us and 2.) she eats things in their entirety.

Last month the hubby brought me back a box of dark chocolate from Holland. I assume it was fabulous, because she ate it all in one evening. (She had cleverly taken out the trash, so it was as if the chocolate never even existed!) Another time she ate a POUND of fancy peppered salami that we bought for a little shin-dig we were having the following evening.

I personally find it kind of amusing, but the hubby gets a little irritated, so off I went to hide our beloved treats. The Mini Milanos went under the rice. The Reese's left over from Halloween went behind the tea. Then, the hubby calls out "don't forget to hide the salami." (A game I never thought I would play with the babysitter! )

Ridiculously fabulous purchase of the month

Once again Target has proven to be my shopping mecca. I cannot tell you how many times someone parks like a total ass and I don't have the time/energy/paper to write them a sweet little note. Now I can just whip out my latest Target find, and...TADA, instant gratification for me!

The ticket says:

"You are an inconsiderate person. This is not a real ticket, but it should be. Because of your rude and lame attempt at parking you have taken enough room for an army and a circus. You have received this ticket in hopes that you will learn to think of others before parking in the future. You probably change lanes without using a signal too. I hope your engine blows up during rush hour on your birthday!"


I could not have said it better myself. So, if you live in Houston and find one of these on your car, you know where to find me if you would like to discuss your parking issues.

Introducing...

(I realize I need to hire a real designer, but this will have to do for now.)

I've noticed many people do a "Thursday Thirteen" or "Friday Five," so I've decided to start "What the F*ck?" Wednesday to explore all the things in the world that baffle me. And seeing as how I am often perplexed at people/events/products/commercials/etc., I will probably never run out of material.

So, week one of "What the F*ck?" Wednesday is...




Taco Bell's Fourth Meal


What is Taco Bell thinking? We are still the fattest nation in the world, right? Obesity rates are still rising, correct? So some marketing genius decides that we need to encourage people to eat yet another meal...in the middle of the night...and at Taco Bell? Fried tortillas and cheese and lard and other crap at 3 a.m. Yes, I think that is what we all need.

What the F*ck?

Go Kinky!

I voted today. Here's the proof...go me. Now I can't wait to see who wins our gubernatorial race here in Texas.













When pondering what to write about today, I was considering a real come-to-Jesus sort of post, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Besides, does anyone really care to hear the big scandalous secret about how long it has been since I voted? I didn't think so.

Ok, on to more important matters. ANGRY CHICK. Everyone loves her. Everyone wants to see more of her. Here you go, Angry Chick fans. A little Angry Chick carrying one big-ass pistol.
















I bought these two in a gallery in Chicago (it was a crazy weekend). They are officially called "Go Ahead, Make My Day," but I refer to them as Angry Chick and Mean Pussy. HA!

Where's the Chicken?

Lately, I've been trying my best to lose the rest of the baby weight (yes, I know the "baby" is 15 months old...shut your pie hole! ), so I hired a trainer to kick my ass once a week and I've been eating as healthy as possible most of the time.

My husband (a.k.a. the Food Nazi) had me convinced that frozen diet dinners are evil, but lately they have been touting "no preservatives," so I've been keeping a few around for those days when I need something fast. I was enjoying a yummy Garlic Chicken pizza when I picked up the box and saw the following.















I guess you don't need preservatives when something is only 14.1% REAL! EEEK!

I will never admit that the Food Nazi was right, but I won't be eating any more Lean Cuisine Garlic Chicken Pizza that's for sure!

She's just one angry woman

Yesterday, I had the incredible pleasure of going to a luncheon featuring Helen Thomas. At 86 years old, she is quick-witted, smart, opinionated, and inspiring. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Thomas)

Not only is she a legend in journalism, she was a trailblazer for the women's rights movement. When asked about that, she said "I was just one angry woman...part of a mob."







Helen and me!







Here are a few tidbits I wrote down:

- When Fidel Castro was asked the difference between U.S. democracy and his democracy, he said "I don't have to answer questions from Helen Thomas."

- When asked about "leaks," Helen said "leaks are absolutely necessary. I salute all whistler blowers."

- Asked about the best presidents, Helen spoke on the achievements of JFK and LBJ. "That's two Democrats, now let's take two Republicans," the moderator said. "WHY?" she said.

So a BIG shout out to my friend Stasa, who invited me to this fabulous event. As a former high school newspaper editor and journalism major, it was a real honor to meet Helen Thomas. She rocks.

P.S. The moderator made a major faux pas when he mentioned that Helen was a guest on "The Daily Show with Stephen Cobert." EEEK! My poor Jon got dissed.

Power makes me happy

My car is still in the shop (argh), so I have borrowed the hubby's transportation several times over the past few days. This is what he drives.
















I don't know what you would think if you saw me driving by in this, but apparently people here in Houston think this car says "GRRRRRR...I'M MEAN!"

It's fabulous.

I can drive 55 in the fast lane in this monster and no one gives me the evil sideways look as they pass by. Cars that are 1/4 mile ahead on the road move out of my lane immediately. I was the LAST person to arrive at a four-way stop, and no one wanted to move until I passed through. A pedestrian even apologized for walking in front of me (at a crosswalk, when she had the little "go" hand). I feel so powerful. I am Queen of the Road.

And not only that, but everyone stares at me too. So I feel powerful AND pretty! This is the best car ever. :)

If you don't believe me, you are welcome to come over and take this puppy around the block a few times. Just don't be multi-tasking, because one minute you are dialing your cell phone and then BAM, you've demolished the Toyota in the next lane.