"What the f*ck?" -- Christmas gift edition

I have spent the last three days in malls and stores across Houston (because I hadn't done jack crap to prepare for Christmas until last Saturday and this is how I like to punish myself) and have seen some redonkulous stuff passing itself off as Christmas gifts. Here are just a few of those "WTF is this?" gifts:

This thing was huge. Look how tiny the disposable cameras are in comparison. If you need a remote this big, well, can you really even see the TV anymore?

No. This is just wrong. Period.

I know some people are really hard to buy for, but give me a break. Get a gift card.

Gross. Would anyone ever touch the "butt" side now that it is clearly labeled?

I can really only think of one person that this is appropriate for -- and Jesus isn't into bling.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

For the past few months something weird has been going on with the electricity in the front of our house. The breaker would flip off, we would flip it back on, it would stay put for a few minutes, and then it would flip off again -- sometimes with a spark coming from one of the electrical sockets. Dan and I know nothing about electricity, so we started living without a front porch light, stairway light and any electricity at all on one side of my office. (And yes, the spark should have prompted us to call someone immediately, but we aren't scared!)

Finally, a friend (who also happens to be an electrician) came by to check it out. Thankfully (because I don't enjoy looking totally stupid), he was also stumped and started to do some investigating. He figured out that the problem was starting with the small night lights installed on the stairway.





He took off the cover and this is what he found ...




Thanks right, folks. Someone was using the night light as a PIGGY BANK. WTF, Firestarter ... I mean, Anabella? Sure, throw some coins into an electrical outlet. I'm sure that won't be a problem.

The yellow arrows are pointing to the places where two of the coins had almost fused together from the sparks/fire/whatever was going on each time we tried to turn the breaker back on.

Between the poop and the cussing and now the electricity stunt, Anabella is going to make me old and gray long before my 40th birthday.




-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a big helping of Big Brother. I am watching you, Anabella!

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

I was almost rear-ended twice coming back from lunch on Monday. And I'm not talking about someone tailgating or coming to a stop too close. It was two tire-screeching, head-turning, near misses in less than five minutes ... by the same car.

Of course that pissed me off to no end, so when the guy pulled beside me as I headed into the left-turn lane, I prepared my best evil eye. I just wish my iPhone had a telephoto lens, because then you could see that the man in this photo was so captivated by the thumbnails on the back of the PORNO he was holding, that he couldn't be bothered to pay attention to me or the road.



Nothing wrong with a good video, but do we need to study it while driving on a crazy-busy road, during the middle of the day, with our window down so that everyone gets a good look, and nearly killing our fellow drivers in the process? He is truly lucky that I don't own a Hummer any more because I was that close to just ramming into him.

WTF are these people doing?

Tailgating in the mall parking lot?

Watching an analog TV in their car?

I've been cheating on you, Blogger.

A lot has changed for me at work recently, including the addition of social media into my job function. Of course, I am totally psyched about that, but it also means I have been spending lots of my free time doing stuff besides blogging. Reading up on social media, taking webinars, going to conferences, tweeting, visiting fan pages, etc. Last month I attended a conference at the Houston Zoo and sat next to the guy who created this at lunch:


Remember this quiz we all took back in August? Matthew Inman, the man behind the awesomeness, gave me the back story. Apparently, he created the quiz for a client that sold sex toys. When the client saw the quiz, they thought it was "inappropriate." LOL! Ummm, okay. Anyway, he was a really interesting guy ... smart and YOUNG, so I was inspired. Too bad I can't draw or code ... I would totally rock at creating quizzes.

So here is our latest time waster ... picked especially for Kim, since she enjoys talking about balls.

Clearly I won't be picking a fight with a bear any time in the immediate future.

Created by Oatmeal

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

It's official. Anabella and I are in the bribery stage of our relationship.

It started out slow enough ... some mini-M&Ms while I brushed the tangles out of her hair (her hair gets crazy tangled -- she probably deserves a cocktail, but that would be wrong) and the occasional chocolate milk here and there.

But today, it was full on blackmail, thanks mainly to SpongeBob SquarePants.

Anabella is completely enamored with SBSP. The problem is that SBSP is on Nickelodeon, instead of our usual Noggin. Noggin is commercial-free. Nickelodeon is non-stop commercials for every stupid toy and sugary snack ever made. For the past week, they have been advertising Moxy Girls (WTF is a Moxy Girl?) during every episode.

So this morning, I needed to keep Anabella home from preschool due to a scheduling conflict. And of course, she was really pissed about that and went into full meltdown mode as I was trying to get out the door.

I foolishly and selflessly thought about our poor nanny and how her day was going to go, and said to Anabella "if you are good for Ana today, and play nicely with Scarlett, I will bring you home a surprise." (thinking stickers or something silly)

As she wipes a tear from her cheek, she innocently looks up and says, "A Moxy Girl?"

F*ck.

So much for setting goals

NaBloPoMo was just a little too industrious for me at this point in time. I really liked the idea, but I don't know that I would have had something interesting to say every day. It probably would have been a lot of bitching and moaning, so I really did you guys a huge favor by blowing it.

So, let's talk about Facebook. I finally broke down and joined last week. (I am helping our HR dept start a fan page, so I felt the need to actually get on and use it.) And, as previously suspected, I am not enjoying the FB as much as other people seem to. While I have been friended by some very cool people from the past, I have also been friended by some people I never liked or didn't know very well in high school ... and that would be 20 years ago. WTF? At this very moment, I have a friend request from someone that I don't even remember. Don't I have to draw a line somewhere? Or do I just say whatever and friend everyone? It seems like some people do that. (The people with 500 friends!)

I also have some friends who play LOTS of games, so when I find a few minutes to log in, I am bombarded by crap like "so and so found a lost kitten and is putting it up for adoption" or "so and so is playing Farkle." (What is Farkle?) One person even took a bunch of tests that kept telling her she was "beautiful" and she was making comments about how great and wonderful said tests were. Gag.

It will get less annoying over time I'm sure, but I think I am just more of a Twitter girl.

Rage Rover

I was driving Anabella to preschool one day last week and as we pulled into the parking lot she said, "F*cking car!"

Very calmly, I asked (just in case I heard it wrong) "What did you say?"

"F*CKING CAR!"

As I silently try to figure out what to do next, she added "It means get out of the way." (Ha. Like I didn't know that.)

I instantly knew she learned that from me, because while Dan does have some rage, it's not road rage. The sad part was that I couldn't recall saying it ... I guess I was just muttering obscenities under my breath.

So as an experiment in self-actualization, I've started recording my outbursts (repeats of my outbursts) on my iPhone and well, it is not pretty. I'll provide a recap at the end of the week, but let's just say that someone might need an anger-management class if she doesn't want to raise a bunch of potty mouths.

"WTF?" Wednesday

WTF was I thinking when I signed up for NaBloPoMo? And why didn't you guys try to stop me? It's only day four and I already feel like the Dunkin Donuts guy ... "time to write the blog. time to write the blog." I'm all about setting goals, but this is kind of like starting a no-carb diet during the holidays. Maybe I could make my life extra hard by adopting a few more toddlers or a litter of puppies that needs house training.

So anyway, I get this email today from Sur la table (a store that I love, love, love) and am instantly intrigued because Thanksgiving is approaching, we eat mostly organic meat, and they say it's like the bestest turkey eh-ver!

Then I scrolled down to see that this turkey costs $110 for a 15-pounder. Holy crap! That turkey better be the best thing I ever put in my mouth. I'm talking no gravy necessary, super juicy, tasty and slightly orgasmic turkey. I spent $65 on a turkey two years ago and felt like an idiot. (organic but 27 pounds!) The lady at the checkout even made fun of me.

But I guess the good news here is that if even 50 people are willing to spend that kind of cash on a turkey, then the economy is clearly recovering.



P.S. If you buy one, we usually eat our Thanksgiving meal in the early afternoon, so I could totally be free to join you for dinner.

Pumpkin Chunken' Festival

Yes, another fun activity we participated in last weekend -- the Pumpkin Chunken' Festival (www.comehurl.org). The event centers around a huge catapult (I was told it took days to build) that is used to destroy pumpkins. What could be more fun than smashing pumpkins?

They had a little carnival for the kids, but whenever a pumpkin was about to be launched, everyone stopped what they were doing to watch. It was surprising how far those pumpkins would go (a few hundred yards?) and how they all had a different angle/path/level of destruction at the end. I was over it in about an hour, but I think most of the men could have stayed out there all day.

Men, destruction -- you know the deal.

So did anyone notice that the creator of Wow Wow Wubbzy left a comment on last night's post? I have to say that was more exciting than when Dooce tweeted me. And in Anabella's world, that is right up there with a phone call from the Pope or George Clooney asking me out (Call me, George!).

So, thanks again, Bob Boyle. You made our morning -- and we bought the new Wubb Idol DVD at Target in your honor!

P.S. Day three of NaBloPoMo. Whew. Only 27 more to go.

Halloween too

Here are the girls' Halloween photos. Anabella was "Shine." Yes, I know you have no clue who Shine is ... no one else did either ... so I let her carry the Shine doll around with her as a reference tool. (Shine is a character on Wow Wow Wubbzy voiced by Beyonce.) She had a blast and definitely has a little rock star in her, so that is all that mattered.

Scarlett was a cow. She couldn't care less about Halloween and probably just thought it was a nice warm outfit on a cool night. But isn't she cute?

Boo!

For the first time in a very long time, I was truly frightened on Halloween. My friend Kathy's daughter was having her first birthday party, and Scarlett was still napping, so Anabella and I went over alone. Dan called just as we were leaving to go trick-or-treating with the birthday party to find out where they could meet us. A few minutes later, this comes walking down the street.



Yes, that is my husband and his last-minute, surprise costume. He's wearing a Halloween costume of mine from several years ago (I was a senorita) ... with painted finger nails and reeking of my perfume. And he was wearing a pair of heels that I haven't worn yet. Oh, and pearls. LOL

P.S. Of course the girls were total cuties. I'll post photos of them tomorrow. For some crazy reason, I signed up for NaBloPoMo this year (30 posts in 30 days), so I need to stretch this out. ;)

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

It's been two weeks (I know, sorry!), and the WTF photos have been piling up in my iPhone ... so let's get to it.

Car? Motorcycle? Some weird cross between the two like the zonkey? I don't understand. Why one big ass wheel in the back? WTF?

Really. An orange mohawk. Do you know how long it took me to explain this to my four year old? Didn't this hairstyle go out in the 80s?

I know it's the writer/editor in me, but WTF, Channel 2? They have this cool tool called "spell check" now. Maybe you guys should get it.

Anyone know WTF a "Corn Hole Tournament" is? I do now, but seriously, that name is just wrong.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

I had a great "WTF? Wednesday" ready to go ... about our nanny and her wacky mom ... but then I got a call from my BFF from high school, Halle, from Texas Children's Hospital. And now, her one-year-old daughter is in surgery, having a "foreign object" removed from her lungs. So I am sitting here, waiting for the call that she is okay and in recovery.

My friend Kathy mentioned that something similar had happened to her as a baby ... she was on a counter and grabbed a whole peanut, which she then proceeded to choke on. I had no idea something you swallowed could end up in your lungs? And once we started talking about it, Kathy and I decided it's really a miracle she's here with us at all. Why was she on a counter as a baby? (we made up a little scenario where her mom left her on the counter so she could step out on the patio for a scotch and a cig. ha!)

So please say a little prayer for baby Blair. Did I mention that it is Halle's wedding anniversary too? WTF, Universe? That's pretty crappy.

And to end on a happy note. WTF is this all about? If I want something to taste like bacon, I'll put some bacon in it. I don't want bacon-flavored anything ... that should only be done to dog food.

That being said, Dan bought this and we had it on some hamburgers. It was good, but it was no bacon.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

WTF is wrong with the Wisconsin Tourism Federation? They had THE BEST ACRONYM EVER, and then they totally went and rearranged the words in their name. So now, instead of WTF, they are TFW. Blah.



Their website (http://www.witourismfederation.org/) says they changed it so it would "no longer distract from their mission."

WTF, TFW? Think of the clever advertising you could do with "WTF" ... for example:

- "Haven't been to Wisconsin lately? WTF!"
- "Hey France, we have better cheese than you. WTF!"

SO many possibilities.

The many faces of Scarlett's first haircut

Similar to Scarlett's first turn on our water slide, it was hard to tell if she was loving or hating her first haircut.

Clearly, it's not the best style in the world, Scarlett, but you have short, baby-fine hair that's hanging in your eyes. I had to do something.

I guess she liked the bow. Or, she was just happy it was over.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

I took a quick trip to San Antonio over the weekend, and because I was all alone in the car, I had plenty of time to notice all the weird crap on that stretch of I-10. (Texas does not disappoint in the "WTF?" department!)

WTF is this? Tacky lawn art meets "Texas-sized" crap? I don't think I have ever seen something this gaudy on the side of the freeway. Or really anywhere, for that matter.

How would you like to work inside an ice chest all day? How many six packs do you think this holds?

This sign still confuses me. WTF does that mean? Aren't lawyers suing lawyers every day?

Rhonda Recommends

Hung (on HBO)

I was sick in bed for most of the weekend and was able to watch the entire first season on Sunday. It's definitely NC-17, but the characters are interesting and the story line is crazy, but possible, which makes it even more entertaining.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

Clearly this person does not watch TV. Or listen to the radio. Or read newspapers and magazines. I'm pretty sure this car was a prime candidate for the Cash for Clunkers program ... it was probably even featured in the paperwork.

String to hold down the hood? Duct tape holding the side mirror on? Is there a mouse under the hood or do they just pedal this thing like Fred Flintstone? WTF? That "H" isn't for Honda, it's for hoopty!

The last two weeks ... a pictorial

Lake trips, vandalism, drinking ... there's been a little of everything. Except blogging. Whoops.

Anabella and I went on a mommy-daughter trip to my friend Jeanne's lake house. (It was her first experience on a boat, and being my daughter, she went right for the driver's seat.)



The first thing she said was "that's a LOT of water, mommy!" I could never coax her into the water, so we now own another baby pool. At least this one has palm trees.

I received a lot of feedback on my last "WTF? Wednesday." Stasa even went so far as to try a "Chelada" (which they are apparently calling Michelada in San Antonio), and she gives it rave reviews. So I guess I will try one soon.

I also took a little time out to vandalize another coworker's cube. He moved out, so I don't feel too bad. And now that he is in another building, they probably took away his access to this floor, meaning no retaliation. That's always good.

And finally, we had Scarlett's birthday party yesterday. Pizza, cake, football, Bloody Mary's and good friends ... Scarlett throws a kick-ass party!

Happy Birthday, Scarlett!

Dear Scarlett:

You're two today! Your babyhood has gone by in a flash, so I took the day off to celebrate with just YOU. At lunch, you were treated like a total rock star at Luby's. Not only did they bring you a crown and a bunch of balloons, but you also had free jello and a delicious red velvet cup cake (I promise, I only had one or two small bites!). Who knew you were going to love jello so much? And of course you were completely excited to sit in a chair.

Then we went to the Children's Museum, where you played non-stop and with no restrictions. From setting up a little tea party to playing with the world's largest Lite-Bright, you had a blast doing what YOU wanted to do for a change.

You just recently started learning more words and how to count. It's incredibly cute how you call everyone "daddy" if you don't know their name. And I love how you say "lello" instead of "yellow," "BobBob" instead of "SpongeBob" and "oh no!" for just about everything that you want us to notice.

You are completely fascinated with shoes and drinking out of big-girl glasses, but you are still a cute little baby who loves bubble baths and being rocked to sleep. It's even endearing that you are a total daddy's girl, because you are complete joy all day, every day ... and probably the most likeable person in our family.

Happy birthday, Baby Mo! I love you more than words can say.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

This week WTF Wednesday revolves entirely around food. Wasn't planned that way, but I am sure it has something to do with eating my feelings. Whatever.

So, WTF is this? Who drinks this? Is this a hangover cure or does someone truly enjoy beer and tomato juice? I need to know.



I took my friend Tracie some Taco Bell last week (she just had twins and isn't getting out much ... you know you are f*cked when Taco Bell is some sort of rare treat), and I noticed the packages have weird messages on them like "I collect straws" and "Will you marry me?" Tracie says they've been like that for years, but I guess that's how long it's been since my last trip to Taco Hell. Then the communicator in me got very annoyed ... WTF is the purpose of this? It doesn't make me laugh or want to buy more crappy tacos.




Finally, these immediately got my attention at the grocery store. I'm not sure what branding mini-cucumbers does for High School Musical (and it probably doesn't help cucumbers much either) and quite frankly, it seems a little dirty to me.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving Cheladas with snarky hot sauce and cucumber swizzle sticks.