"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- Cell phone etiquette (or lack thereof)

Yesterday, I boarded an elevator with eight seemingly harmless people. Five of said people were talking on cell phones before the elevator arrived, and much to my surprise, not ONE of these people ended their conversation after getting on the elevator. That's right. I was forced to listen to FIVE conversations (two of which were in foreign languages) for seven floors. WTF?

It's time we put our collective feet down people. In my former corporate life (many years ago), I wrote a document on email etiquette for use at my company. This incident made me realize that someone really needs to write and distribute a cell phone etiquette manual to every Tom, Dick and Harry that purchases a cell phone. It's bad enough that I have a near-death experience at least once week when some yahoo decides he needs to send a text message while driving 70 miles per hour down a freeway. Now I have to enter small, confined spaces and be forced to listen to five meaningless conversations at once? It's ridiculous.


So as much as I love my cell phone, I make these promises to you... I promise I will not talk obnoxiously loud on my cell phone in public. I promise I will not text while driving or while you are speaking to me. I promise not to install a ridiculous ring tone on my phone and then let it ring for extended periods of time. And finally, I promise I will not discuss my latest trip to the gynecologist in front of seven strangers on an elevator.


You're welcome.

Movie Madness

I apologize for neglecting my blogging duties, but I have been busy watching movies. My 5th Annual Oscar Bash is quickly approaching and I hope to see as many of the nominated films as possible. Here are the three I saw over the weekend:

1. Smokin' Aces. (not an Oscar contender, I know) This was on date night with the hubby (it was a compromise between Rocky and Dreamgirls). If you aren't put off by lots of blood, it's a great movie.
2. Little Children. Saw this with the girls on Saturday. Also a great movie, and surprisingly funny considering the subject matter, but I would probably classify it as more of a chick-flick. However, there was lots of sex and nudity, so you boys won't be bored.
3. Little Miss Sunshine. Bought the DVD and watched this at home...an excellent film! I like Greg Kinnear and Steve Carell even more than I did before.

What I liked most about these three movies is that they weren't predictable. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my fair share of predictable movies, but the movies that really stand out in my mind are the ones where I couldn't always guess what was going to happen.

Here's a short list of some of my favorite "unpredictable" movies....The Usual Suspects, Fight Club, The Sixth Sense, Primal Fear, Shawshank Redemption and Forrest Gump.

Your turn! Tell me what movies you think are refreshingly unpredictable.

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- Scared Sh*tless

I wouldn't say I am a fearless woman, but I'm no scaredy-cat either. However, TWICE this week, I have been scared to the point of near heart attack. I mean it. Both times my heart was beating so fast that I had to clutch my chest to keep it from escaping. (The last time that happened was when I met Troy Aikman back in the 1990's!)

Today, I was just standing in my kitchen opening a can of Coke, when I heard a gunshot. I totally understand what people mean when they say they almost jumped out of their skin. The noise was so loud that my dog ran out of the room, tail between his legs. But it wasn't a gunshot, it was the Coke can I just opened! WTF? Has anyone had this happen before? And the crazy part was that the actual coke didn't explode or spill. That can must have had an extra burst of CO2 or something.

So, my second heart-stopping experience was in the garage. I was taking out the trash and noticed a piece of paper on the floor. I bent over to pick it up, and a spider similar to the one below was hiding underneath. I am so scared of spiders, and this one was huge (the size of my palm) and hairy and two inches away from my hand. I screamed bloody murder and did the little scared girl dance. The husband came running out and promptly killed the monster with a hammer. I felt a little bad once he bludgeoned to death, but he shouldn't have wandered into my garage and scared the crap out of me. Maybe that will be a lesson for all the other huge spiders who were contemplating entering my domain.

P.S. WTF is up with Blogger spell check? It didn't recognize "Aikman" and gave me the choices of Airman, Oilman, Hickman, Aiken and Amman. WHA??? You know Aiken, but not Aikman? Ugh.

Why I Hate Tires

1. They cost so friggin much.
2. I don't have a choice on whether or not I am going to buy them. (And I don't seem to get much choice on when I buy them either.)
3. They don't make my butt look smaller or my legs look longer.
4. They are ugly. Maybe if they came in pink I wouldn't mind spending $1,700 on four of them! (I could be sporting 3 or 4 killer new purses with that kind of cash.)
5. Every time I look at them, I think of all the other fun things I could have done with that money.

I also hate spending my money on MUD taxes, medical deductibles, and printer toner.

What "necessities" do you hate spending money on?

The Funniest Thing I Heard Last Week

I adore Ellen Degeneres and this clip had me laughing so hard I nearly pee'd myself. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ja0fsYOHU8

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- Freak Neighbor

I will admit that I am a little crazy when it comes to my pets. When we go on vacation, I will spend the extra cash to put my dogs up in a "suite" complete with their own TV, because I feel so guilty for boarding them. And yet, I still found this sight to be completely ridiculous...

That's right, it's a little kitty enjoying the outdoors in his own little stroller.

This neighbor has no children, so that means she went and purchased this especially for Mr. Fancy Pants Kitty.

WTF?

Ridiculously fabulous purchase of the month

If you have ever had to "smell" meat, you will appreciate this purchase. While some might call it extravagant, I think it will be worth every penny in the little fights it will keep me and the hubby from getting into over whether or not something smells deader than it was when we bought it. (He is usually in the "it's fine" corner, while I tend to belong to the "we should trash it" side.)

Because of this purchase, I will also enjoy saying goodbye to the days of waiting around for the intestinal cramping to start after he has convinced me to partake in questionable meat.

I will now experience great piece of mind knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have not eaten funky meat. Thank you, Sharper Image.

My Second Resolution of 2007 - To be More Naughty

Being a mommy doesn't leave a lot of time for naughtiness, but recently I decided to partake in some naughty behavior and quite frankly, I loved it.


Naughty Rhonda heads to the voting booth: Last November, the husband of a woman in the MOMS Club was running for a Texas State Representative position. This woman sent email after email, telling us all to vote for her husband. As if that wasn't annoying enough, one day her 3-year-old pushed my 1-1/2 year old daughter to the ground, where she hit her head on the concrete floor. Usually, I would just chalk this up to kid stuff, but the woman didn't even apologize. I was livid. So, I decided not to vote for her hubby, even though his opponent was DEAD. That's right, I voted for a dead woman. And I laughed all the way out of the polling facility.

Naughty Rhonda attends a Christmas party: My friend Halle had a White Elephant party in December (if you don't know what that is, go here). It was mostly ladies from her neighborhood, but she also included some of her closest friends. (Meaning I only knew about 5 people out of the 30.) So my friend Tracie and I took a prime spot on the couch, and with wine in hand, decided it would be fun to antagonize some of the other party goers. Not in a mean way of course, we simple encouraged more of the craziness that was already happening...picture a house full of women scheming and bickering over $25 gifts. We had women battling over a bottle of Grey Goose, a clock, and a spa gift certificate. It was a total hoot...and I went home with the much-coveted clock. HA! Here's a picture of the chaos....



This is Wendy after Jen "stole" a lovely basket of goodies from her. I was laughing almost as hard as Jen was.

Naughty Rhonda goes to a football game: Whenever my husband sees a "family" bathroom he always teases me about sneaking in and making out. This has been going on for years, but at the last Houston Texans game of the year, I called his bluff. We waited around outside the door until all the families (with real reasons to be in the family bathroom) had their turn and then in we went. Who knew the family bathroom could be so much fun?

Therefore, I resolve to continue with this trend of occasional naughtiness in 2007...it makes me laugh and it keeps me feeling young.


Have you done anything naughty recently?

"What the F*ck" Wednesday? -- Random Photos and a Big "Screw You!" to MORE Magazine!

I have been accumulating "WTFW" photos for a few weeks now...can't wait to hear what you think.


KRAUT juice? I can not think of one reason why I would need this. Ever.












A fish for a mailbox?










"Antique" ham cufflinks? They will set you back $200. (They were in a fabulous store in NYC recommended by Girl con Queso...and the sales guy was very helpful with taking this photo.)


I would also like to send out a BIG WTF to More Magazine. I was recently opening junk mail and came across a very colorful envelope that said "Act your Age!" Of course that got my attention, so instead of immediately chunking it, I read on...

"Welcome to the one magazine for women over 40 who love to act their age."

WHA???? I'M NOT OVER 40! What's wrong with you, More Magazine???? I am 36 thank you very much and I am already having a quasi mid-life crisis, so I really don't need you telling me to act over 40 when I am still in my 30's. Jerks.

(Note to anyone 40+....this is not a slam against the 40's. I am sure that decade totally rocks. I'm just not there yet.)

Bath time trauma

Not that long ago, my babysitter (the salami eater) asked me how many times my daughter had pooped in the tub. "Never!" I said with much disgust. "Well, it happens all the time," she informed me. (She does this a lot...tells me all the things that my kid is going to do, even though she doesn't have any.) My daughter had just passed her one-year birthday, so I just rolled my eyes, and went about my business.

Now I am not saying for sure that she put a Poop Curse on me, but let's just say we have had several incidents of pooping in the bathtub since that night. And tonight was by far, the top pooping story of my short-lived career as a mommy.

I undressed my daughter, put her in the tub, and turned on the water. Not 30 seconds later, she poops. Ok, no big deal. It is contained to a very small area, so I grab her out, and put her on the mat next to me.

As I am feverishly saving toys from floating into the disaster area, she squats, and poops on the bath mat. WHA?? CRAP! So, I grab her, wipe her little butt with a baby wipe, and then head over to snatch up the mat before she gets any crazy baby ideas.

I of course do not notice that she is heading in a completely opposite direction....into my closet. Before I can even get there, she has squatted yet again, and pooped on the carpet in my closet. And then she takes about three steps, and poops again.

Surprisingly, I did not cry. I didn't laugh, but I didn't have a meltdown. I calmly called my hubby into the bathroom to pick up poop piles while I hosed my little angel off in the shower.

So, there are two morals to this story: 1.) parenting know-it-alls are secretly working voodoo on the rest of us, and 2.) Do not ever assume that the pooping is done. There is ALWAYS more poop.

Just doing what I am told

Today my horoscope read: "Be more present. Appreciate your body. It's the perfect time to reflect on recent events, engage in flirtation and eat delicious, healthy meals. You're a sensuous creature, so do something that helps you appreciate life."

The 3rd sentence was most captivating, because it seemed a little hodgepodge, but let's tackle it anyway.

1. Reflect on recent events - Here's an interesting article from the news today. Apparently, Tigger (Winnie's sidekick) has some anger management problems.
http://www.wftv.com/news/10686229/detail.html# Who would have thought that being a cartoon character could be so stressful that you would resort to beating up 14-year-old boys.

2. Engage in flirtation - Have you been working out? Maybe it's the jeans, but your ass looks great. And your hair looks nice today too. Did you get it cut? It really frames your fabulous eyes. (Your compliment to me goes here) Awww....you're so sweet. What a nice thing to say. You know, if I wasn't married...

3. Eat healthy, delicious meals - KB and I had Mexican food for lunch today and it was delish! My shrimp enchiladas were to die for. Dinner was a little meal (since I pigged out at lunch) consisting of 1/2 turkey sandwich. As you can see, it's either healthy or it's delish...not usually both.

Well, I can't say that I feel more sensuous, but it was a fun exercise anyway. I am still working on the remainder of my New Year's resolutions...did y'all make any??

My First Resolution of 2007 -- To be more helpful

In the spirit of my decision to be more helpful in 2007, I think we should assist the fools who write spam email titles. I know, I know. They suck...we hate them...they clog our email boxes up with crap. But clearly they didn't graduate from junior high...they can't put together a coherent FRAGMENT, much less a sentence...and it's probably the only job they can get. Spam might be less annoying if it's grammatically correct, spell checked, and somewhat entertaining.

Ok, probably not. But here are just a few examples of stupid emails titles I have received this week. These people need help.

- pacesetter homicidal
- historical legal ethical political
- Be sure to read the related article, Stupid yoga tricks: let's all copyright ancient yoga postures.
- cwmino
- swinging
- Some TV shows also have a free space for that.
- Amusing perhaps, but not very efficient if you are after some specific color changing water pipe information.
- DABB DBBB DCBB
- Mac check this.
- Greetings Sergio
- I don't, and I have very little desire to even try (This is the only one I even took a peek at...they almost had me!)

So, here are a few ideas I came up with...I am pretty sure I would at least look at an email with one of these titles:

- The affair your spouse is having
- Great Aunt Bee has passed...you are in her will
- Sorry about your cat
- I can introduce you to George Clooney
- Top Secret...you can't tell anyone!
- Update on that STD
- I have magic pills that will make your penis larger (LOL...kidding!)

Ok, your turn. What title would make you open an email?

Tchotchke Parade - Part 2

More crap for your enjoyment!

This first one is my favorite. It's not often that you see a duck, a cherub, a sailor, the Virgin Mary, and Uncle Sam hanging out together.










































































































And finally...

this is where their house died from embarrassment!
















I spent an hour driving around on a golfcart to take all these photos. Not one person stuck their head out to ask why I was photographing their front yard. Go figure.

So, I hope you found the parade of Tchotchkes as entertaining as I did. I will be back to normal blogging tomorrow. I might even make a few New Year's resolutions. No better way to start off the new year than with high expectations and immediate failure.

Happy New Year!

As promised, my first post of 2007 is a fabulous Tchotchke Parade (Part 1)...straight from Ft. Myers, Florida. (It's like the Island of Misfit Toys, but with ugly lawn decor.)

Enjoy!


















































































































Part 2 coming tomorrow. I hope the anticipation doesn't kill you.