Open up my head and LET ME OUT

Welcome to Post #101 at The B.S. Cafe. I would like to tell you that I haven't posted for a week because I wanted to make this entry special, but the truth is that I've been a bit of an emotional wreck (thus the title of this post, from the Dave Mathews Band song "So Much to Say").

So this entry will probably look like mental vomit to all of you sane and non-pregnant people, but it's cheaper than therapy and I am usually nothing but smiley faces and kisses and puppy dogs, right?

It all started two Sundays ago. The hubby and I were in Destin celebrating our anniversary and we decided to drive by the house we got married in. We turned onto the street, and it was GONE. All that remained was an empty lot and a pool full of dirt...apparently the house was a victim of Hurricane Ivan. For some reason (pregnancy hormones?), I was really upset. Not as upset as the people who owned it probably were, but it was a special place to me...and I had big plans of a 10th anniversary celebration there with all of our closest friends. I know we can rent another place in Destin, but it sort of felt like the universe took a huge dump on the party I had envisioned in my head.

When we got home that evening, my most beloved cat Eddie (who had been suffering from kidney failure for the past few months) died. Again, I don't know if I can blame it on hormones or not, but I was really torn up...still am actually. He had been such a huge part of my life the past 12 years...and it felt silly to be so sad over a cat, but there I was. Boohooing for days on end.

Then came my granddad's birthday on Wednesday (he died last time I was pregnant...from kidney failure...coincidence?!). He's been gone for 2 years, but I get teary when I think about him. His death was a surprise to me, even though it probably shouldn't have been, and I still wish he could have met my daughter.

So come Thursday, I just needed to get really drunk. And of course being pregnant that isn't an option, so I was forced to sit around and FEEL everything. Which made me really mad at the universe. WTF universe?! Isn't it enough that I am tired all the time, and fat, and swollen, and just trying to be a good mommy and wife despite the fact that I have felt like crap for this entire pregnancy?

To top it all off, my favorite talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has been doing her show from a hospital bed and practically bragging about how many pills she's been taking all week (she hurt her back). I never thought I would be envious of something like that, but no one deserves a pill more than me right now....damn you, Ellen!