Not on a hiatus!

Just doing a lot of traveling before I hit the seven-month mark. My hubby took me to Las Vegas for 5 days at The Venetian to indulge in shopping, spa-ing, eating, and gambling. (He even hired his niece to come along and baby-sit as needed!) Surprisingly, you CAN have fun in Vegas without drinking...and we even won over $1,000 at blackjack. WOOHOO! Momma is getting a new flat screen for the bedroom, baby.

We have been home for 2 days and are leaving again for Michigan tomorrow. (Not as much fun...if any fun at all...just a trip to see the in-laws and to attend a graduation party for his niece and nephew. The one highlight will be the cooler weather. My fat ass almost died in Vegas just walking out to catch a cab.)

But, I have a lot to talk about, so I will try my best to blog from Michigan. However, my MIL is a little bitchy about people using her computer after her grandson crashed her last one looking at Internet porn, so I can't make any promises. ;)

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday -- Bush and Balls

What the f*ck is going on with the love affair between President Bush and Albania?? According to The Associated Press, Albania issued three postage stamps with Bush's picture and the Statue of Liberty, renamed a street in front of parliament in his honor, awarded him the highest National Flag medal, and the Fushe Kruje town council declared him an honored citizen.

This is almost as bothersome as the love fest between Bush and Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Come on, Albania. Don't you watch the news?

Second, what is going on with the following? I took both of these pictures within the last week. I am only glad my daughter is too young to ask, "Mommy, what is that hanging on the back of that truck?"

Really now, guys. Isn't it enough that you are constantly scratching and fondling these things all day long? Would you find it attractive if we hung a plastic vagina from our rear-view mirrors?

I didn't think so.

Defensive Driving, the White Sox, and a MEME

It's been a pretty uneventful few days here at the B.S. Cafe. I was taking defensive driving online, which was a real barrel of monkeys. It was actually much better than going to one of those classes, and I learned a few things, so I guess I shouldn't complain. Did you know that...

• You can turn left on a red light onto a one-way street.


• Alcohol is absorbed into your blood streamed faster when combined with a carbonated beverage.


• It would take a train going 60 MPH a mile to stop.

I also spent the weekend watching the Astros play the White Sox and I didn't get to see Scott Podsednik even once...apparently he's injured, but he could have at last walked across the field in a towel or something! You know, just for the fans. (If you don't know about my crush on him, go here.)

So after all that non-excitement, I finally got around to seeing what my bloggy friends have been up to and I found out I was tagged for a MEME over at crap-o-rama (Don't you just love that name?) So here it goes...

Five Reasons Why I Blog

1. It's fun...and it keeps the creative side of my brain happy.
2. I like being part of the blogging community and "meeting" new people.
3. It's the diary I always wanted to keep...and it helps me relive my crazy checkered past. (which is fun when life turns predictable.)
4. I started blogging when I was having a small identity crisis (meaning I didn't have one....I was a mommy and a wife, but not just ME) and it really helped me through it. Blogging saved me from buying a sports car, cutting off all my hair, or getting a cabana boy.
5. I love being able to say "that's going in my blog!"

I am only tagging others if they want to be tagged, so consider this a suggestion... No Cool Story, Elastic, Compulsive Writer, yerdoingitwrong, and Toni.

Three Days to Turn Your Heiress Crazy

As I am sure you all know, Paris Hilton has apparently lost her mind after only 3 days in jail. I spent a night in jail in my early 20's, and while it definitely was not a trip to the spa, it wasn't so awful that I needed medication. In fact, it made me tougher version of myself (but then again, the girlfriend I got thrown in the pokey with was a total mess, so someone had to keep their cool). We even ate breakfast with the general population and had a little showdown with a crack ho.

So, it really makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with Paris Hilton. She's alone in a cell, so it's not the other inmates picking on her or whatever. She can have reading material...and sure, being disconnected from the electronic world might be a little tough, but I think I could survive. (And quite frankly, being alone in a room for a few days with nothing but some books sounds a little like a vacation to me right now.) She must really be completely incapable of taking care of herself or handling tough situations without an entourage.

I think it would take me at least a week or two before I got weepy...not crazy, but just sad. (By that time I would be caught up on my sleep and really missing my family.)...so maybe it would be a month or so before I needed the meds.

How about you guys? How long would it take you to have a mental break in jail?


P.S. I went to see Patton Oswald and Jeanane Garofalo last night, and Patton commented that Paris couldn't handle being left alone with her own thoughts. Ha! (He even suggested they use that as a the brand of torture at Guantanamo Bay....leave the prisoners alone in a room with Paris' thoughts for days on end.)

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

What the f*ck are you thinking, Sharper Image? Yes, this is just what I need...a steak with a huge ego and a bad comb over.

More Birthday Erotica

Because my friend KB graciously offered to babysit (not only were most of my friends out of town for Memorial Day, but all of my babysitters were too), the hubby and I were able to enjoy an adults-only meal for my birthday. We decided to check out Fogo de Chao, since neither of us had been.

If you aren't familiar with Fogo de Chao, they give you a little card that is green on one side and red on the other. You flip it to green, and people come to your table non-stop to offer you different kinds of meat. You flip it to red when you are "taking a break" or have a plate full.
Of course, the hubby was in heaven. Literally. All that meat walking around, just waiting to be eaten. It was almost more than he could handle.

One particular gentleman had the most-coveted meat of the evening...beef tenderloin medallions wrapped in bacon. Toward the end of the meal, the hubby decided he only had room for tenderloin, so he would flip the card to green when the tenderloin man was within eye sight.

Tenderloin man: Would you like some tenderloin wrapped in bacon?

Husband: Of course. I'm only green for you.

Tenderloin man walks away.

Husband: Wow. That sounded pretty gay.

Me: I'm sure he knew you were talking about his meat. (laughing loudly)

Husband: That didn't sound much better.

Me: I wasn't trying to make it sound better.