The B.S. Cafe

Yo -- change my blog URL in your RSS feed

2010-06-29T15:01:00.001-05:00

Several people have asked me lately why I'm not blogging -- and I am. But over at my new domain. www.thebscafe.com -- so update your readers! I miss you!

GUESS WHAT??!!

2010-04-20T21:29:00.002-05:00

I've moved! After owning it for almost a year, I've finally moved The B.S. Cafe over to www.thebscafe.com!

I am still playing with the design, and half of the buttons and features aren't working yet, but I have big plans -- that someday I might actually act on. ;)

Please come on over and check it out! A new WTF? Wednesday will be up tomorrow.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2010-04-07T14:23:00.007-05:00

WTF is up with this Creepy VegHead? He moved into our HEB last week and he totally freaks me out. I especially dislike his onion mustache and Anabella is disturbed by his banana cheeks (and the fact that he is a 10 foot paper mache head!). So we've starting using the other door until he goes back to wherever he came from.

Facebook WTF?!

I know I need to quit bashing FB, but this one is truly disturbing. A guy that apparently went to my high school sent a friend request last week. I didn't recognize his name, but we had 27 friends in common, so I went to look at his profile photos. What I found was one photo of him and about 30 photos of women's butts. Just women bent over in this position or that, all clothed, but pictures of their behinds only. (These were his PROFILE photos -- not a photo album of butts.)

I too have certain body parts that I find attractive, but I don't think FB is the place to post 50 pictures of men's whatevers. I wanted to send him an email that said "This isn't FetishBook, it's Facebook, which means I want to see faces, not asses." But I just ignored the request instead. And then I started thinking about those 27 people who were not at all bothered. Did they just accept without looking at his profile? I'm no prude, but am I really the only person who finds that creepier than a 10 foot paper mache head?

Random Thoughts on Men

2010-03-29T17:04:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my Monday mind dump. Hope you aren't looking for something important to read. ;)

Ricky Martin came out today
This is going to KILL my friend Jeanne, who has been insisting he was not gay for about 12 or 13 years now. And the best part, today is her birthday. LOL

Men are getting weirder
At lunch, a coworker revealed that several men she has met online (3 or 4 in row) lied about their age. When did the tables turn? I didn't think men were subjected to ageism. The crazy part is that it was only by a few years (39 instead of 43). What the hell difference does that make?

I love Joe Biden's F-bomb
I know it's not appropriate to cuss on TV, but clearly that part was an accident. Doesn't anyone find it refreshing that the vice president turned into a normal dude for one second and really enjoyed the enormity of the situation he was in? I think it totally rocks.

And now for the serious bit
I found out over the weekend that someone I used to date was killed in a rather horrific way. The thing that has me stumbling around in my emotions, is that this person was a total ass. He lied to me about being married, led me on for months, and basically broke my silly little 25-year-old heart. So while it made me sad when I heard, and I find it very tragic, and I am incredibly sorry for his children, I didn't even shed a tear. And now I feel really, REALLY guilty for that.

Ridiculous, right??

Please take this poll

2010-03-22T21:27:00.007-05:00

Here's my weekend dilemma that only you readers can solve:

Dan ALWAYS come up with these weird-ass sayings and claims that everyone has heard them except for me. On an average week, a few hundred of you stop by, so please take 5 seconds and answer the poll.

Gracias!

Have you ever heard the saying "drier than a popcorn fart?answers

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2010-03-17T23:03:00.009-05:00

It's been a good week for WTF photos. I could probably publish a whole book on just WTF signs ... and why do they always seem to be in bathrooms?

This sign comes from a fancy sushi restaurant:

So the question is -- did someone really go to the most expensive sushi restaurant in town, head to the ladies room and decide to do pull-ups or something equally as stupid from this bar, and then break it/pull it out of the wall/crack their head open/or something equally as stupid? Because I don't think you put up a sign like that "just in case."

As I was shopping for Easter basket stuff this past weekend, I came across these. I know, it's probably quite telling that my mind went straight to the gutter, but do these look really PHALLIC to anyone else?

It took me a full minute to put the whole ear of corn thing together. (Because I was totally mesmerized and didn't bother to even read it. HA)

And finally, a WTF find from Sam's Club. I haven't bought any Boone's Farm in over 20 years, but I am fairly certain it costs at least $3.00 a bottle. WTF kind of nasty wine only costs $2.91?

This entire week has been filled with WTF moments, but some of the most entertaining have been from the rodeo (I'm volunteering this year), so expect a recap next week. Rodeo WTF is a whole new ballgame, folks!

P.S. Totally forgot to congratulate my friend Kim on her BIG WIN at my 9th annual Oscar bash. She won the Golden Biatch by a landslide. The Biatch had some major "work" done this year, so she is looking hotter than ever, especially in her new dress holding her very own little Oscar statue. (And she's completely recovered from her near death experience thanks to a certain Deucebag!) I'm sure Kim will put her in a place of honor for the next 12 months.

Scarlett's got a new trick!

2010-03-15T15:30:00.002-05:00

First we had "What's Scarlett sitting on?" then we enjoyed "What's Scarlett balancing on her head today?" -- now, we proudly present "What the hell does Scarlett have on her feet?"

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2010-03-10T18:12:00.000-06:00

I recently reconnected with a friend from high school on Facebook, who had the interesting idea of telling people two things he remembered about them.

One of the things he recalled about me was my extreme resistance to putting stickers on my car. Apparently, I had my senior parking sticker on an acrylic picture frame that I would stand up in the window. (I have completely blocked out this memory, but it does sound like something I would do.) So obviously the OCD/car obsession thing started early, but it also explains why I find most bumper stickers really annoying. (But I still love you if you have them on your car!)

My biggest offenders are the "honor roll" kids, Calvin & Hobbs urinating on company logos and these -- the "look at my cute family" stickers that keep getting weirder and weirder.

For example, WTF is this?

A pirate family? Why doesn't daddy have a hat too? Where's the parrot? Doesn't this creep your kids out just a little bit?

"What's that mommy?"

"That's what you look like when you die."

But this one is even better. I know I am confused, so I can only imagine how the kids must be feeling. Let's see -- there's a daddy, a mommy ... another daddy ... four kids and two dogs.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am NOT signing up for the two spouse program.

P.S. Wondering what "WTF? Cat" Deucebag has been up to? Well, he has decided that it is too hard to just hang his head in the bowl to eat (while laying down), so now he knocks the bowl over and leisurely eats off the counter top.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2010-02-24T22:39:00.002-06:00

(Note: This would have been posted on Wednesday if I had pushed "publish" instead of "save" - argh.)

WTF is up with my cat? Deuce (or Deucebag, as Scarlett calls him) isn't even a year old, and he has already become a complete lazy ass. I took two photos so you would believe me when I tell you that this cat can't be bothered to stand or even sit up to eat. He just lays on the counter and throws his head into the bowl.

Granted, this harsh judgement is coming from the woman who eats while watching The Biggest Loser, but still. I'm almost 40. Deucebag is in the prime of his life. By the time he's 10, we will have to get the fire department to cut down a wall, so he can visit the vet.

Cross that one off the bucket list

2010-02-22T07:46:00.008-06:00

Did you miss me? I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. What a loser! Life kind of jumped in and kicked my butt these last few weeks, but that won't happen again. Here's a quick recap:

Promotion at work (celebrated for two days)
Third annual trip to Lake Austin Spa with my BFF from high school (also bought ridiculously expensive purse at Gucci outlet to celebrate promotion - traumatized self for a week)
Rock Band slumber party with closest friends. Partied til 4 a.m.
Fell deathly ill with a flu/strep throat/sinusitis combo the next day (SuperBowl Sunday - missed the party!) and had to stay quarantined in my bedroom for NINE LONG DAYS (so the hubby and kiddos wouldn't get sick)
Tried to play catch up at work and home for three days
Went to the Mom 2.0 Summit last Friday and Saturday - had a blast!

So the Mom 2.0 Summit was incredibly inspiring and thought-provoking and just plain fun. Meeting women who are so talented and successful and doing things on their own terms (and putting faces with blogs that I have been reading for years -- even Dooce was there!) reminded me why I started this blog in the first place (almost five years ago!).

And one of the major highlights was --- riding in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile! I rode "shotbun" around downtown Houston, waving at people and acting like a rock star. If you ever get the opportunity, I suggest you take it. Nothing puts a smile on your face like riding in a wiener.

I convinced Amanda (PR maven and new partner in crime) to go along for the ride!

"WTF?" Wednesday

2010-01-20T16:22:00.002-06:00

I don't know WTF is going on in my life, but everywhere I turn lately, someone is speaking to me in a condescending tone. Clearly this is a peek into my future -- and probably what senior citizens feel like when they are being treated like children -- and I am not enjoying it.

For example, Bar 1400 has these signs hanging in every bathroom stall. The bathroom manager was either a kindergarten teacher or a technical writer in his/her previous career. Just an FYI - anyone who is old enough to be in a bar probably knows how to use a effing toilet seat cover. I don't need tone in the toilet. Especially not when I am buzzed -- it pisses me off. No pun intended.

Even my four year old has tone recently. Last week I came home from work and she was standing at the door waiting for me:

Anabella: HI MOMMY!

Me: Hey baby. I missed you! How was your day?

Anabella: You forgot to pack my ballerina clothes.

Me: Oh no. I am so sorry, Anabella. I promise to remember next time.

Anabella: That's okay, mommy. Accidents happen. (pauses) But you need to focus. (turns and leaves)

I just stood there completely dumbfounded. Then, in my head, the tirade began ..."WHAT? I need to focus? Ummm, okay, kid. Clearly you have no idea who does everything in your life. This happy little family train you ride on would have derailed a long time ago if it wasn't for me."

Dan smiled and said something about how cute she was. I flipped him off and went straight to the bathtub.

The very next day, I call Ticketmaster to buy tickets for the Black Eyed Peas. (I'm on a rodeo committee this year, so we had the chance to buy before they went on sale to the public.) It quickly became clear that finding four seats wasn't going to happen ...

Ticketmaster douche: The Black Eyed Peas are a very popular group, ma'am.

Me: Yes, I know. Which is why I was hoping to get tickets ...

Ticketmaster douche: (clearly not listening to me) ... they are a hip-hop, R&B group. They have a lot of hit songs. They are very popular.

Me: I KNOW who they are. Why do you think I am calling for tickets?

Ticketmaster douche: Oh. Well then you shouldn't be surprised that they are sold out.

Me: These tickets aren't on sale to the public yet, so why wouldn't I think there might be some left?

silence...

Me: Good thing I am taking that survey at the end of this call.

Happy 2010!

2010-01-04T16:51:00.006-06:00

Ahhh, it's over. Fun, but exhausting sums up our holiday experience.

Christmas 2009 -- in numbers:

1 - Days I've been at work since 12/18 (two half-days)
2 - Movies seen (Avatar and Up in the Air -- both good!)
3 - Presents I bought for myself
4 - Number of days I had to shop for all of my gifts
5 - Play dates Anabella had last week (good thing we like the same people)
6 - Bags of trash at curb on 12/26 (sorry, environment!)

20+ - Times Anabella took something away from Scarlett the two weeks I was at home
1 - Times Scarlett bit Anabella on the BUTT for doing it (on Christmas day no less)

P.S. Did you notice the new blog banner? I think it's funny, but one of my coworkers (and the guy who drew the coffee mug) says it's disgusting. Thoughts?

"What the f*ck?" -- Christmas gift edition

2009-12-22T12:58:00.000-06:00

I have spent the last three days in malls and stores across Houston (because I hadn't done jack crap to prepare for Christmas until last Saturday and this is how I like to punish myself) and have seen some redonkulous stuff passing itself off as Christmas gifts. Here are just a few of those "WTF is this?" gifts:

This thing was huge. Look how tiny the disposable cameras are in comparison. If you need a remote this big, well, can you really even see the TV anymore?

No. This is just wrong. Period.

I know some people are really hard to buy for, but give me a break. Get a gift card.

Gross. Would anyone ever touch the "butt" side now that it is clearly labeled?

I can really only think of one person that this is appropriate for -- and Jesus isn't into bling.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-12-16T12:19:00.005-06:00

For the past few months something weird has been going on with the electricity in the front of our house. The breaker would flip off, we would flip it back on, it would stay put for a few minutes, and then it would flip off again -- sometimes with a spark coming from one of the electrical sockets. Dan and I know nothing about electricity, so we started living without a front porch light, stairway light and any electricity at all on one side of my office. (And yes, the spark should have prompted us to call someone immediately, but we aren't scared!)

Finally, a friend (who also happens to be an electrician) came by to check it out. Thankfully (because I don't enjoy looking totally stupid), he was also stumped and started to do some investigating. He figured out that the problem was starting with the small night lights installed on the stairway.

He took off the cover and this is what he found ...

Thanks right, folks. Someone was using the night light as a PIGGY BANK. WTF, Firestarter ... I mean, Anabella? Sure, throw some coins into an electrical outlet. I'm sure that won't be a problem.

The yellow arrows are pointing to the places where two of the coins had almost fused together from the sparks/fire/whatever was going on each time we tried to turn the breaker back on.

Between the poop and the cussing and now the electricity stunt, Anabella is going to make me old and gray long before my 40th birthday.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a big helping of Big Brother. I am watching you, Anabella!

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-12-02T21:51:00.001-06:00

I was almost rear-ended twice coming back from lunch on Monday. And I'm not talking about someone tailgating or coming to a stop too close. It was two tire-screeching, head-turning, near misses in less than five minutes ... by the same car.

Of course that pissed me off to no end, so when the guy pulled beside me as I headed into the left-turn lane, I prepared my best evil eye. I just wish my iPhone had a telephoto lens, because then you could see that the man in this photo was so captivated by the thumbnails on the back of the PORNO he was holding, that he couldn't be bothered to pay attention to me or the road.

Nothing wrong with a good video, but do we need to study it while driving on a crazy-busy road, during the middle of the day, with our window down so that everyone gets a good look, and nearly killing our fellow drivers in the process? He is truly lucky that I don't own a Hummer any more because I was that close to just ramming into him.

WTF are these people doing?

Tailgating in the mall parking lot?

Watching an analog TV in their car?

I've been cheating on you, Blogger.

2009-11-30T11:30:00.000-06:00

A lot has changed for me at work recently, including the addition of social media into my job function. Of course, I am totally psyched about that, but it also means I have been spending lots of my free time doing stuff besides blogging. Reading up on social media, taking webinars, going to conferences, tweeting, visiting fan pages, etc. Last month I attended a conference at the Houston Zoo and sat next to the guy who created this at lunch:

Remember this quiz we all took back in August? Matthew Inman, the man behind the awesomeness, gave me the back story. Apparently, he created the quiz for a client that sold sex toys. When the client saw the quiz, they thought it was "inappropriate." LOL! Ummm, okay. Anyway, he was a really interesting guy ... smart and YOUNG, so I was inspired. Too bad I can't draw or code ... I would totally rock at creating quizzes.

So here is our latest time waster ... picked especially for Kim, since she enjoys talking about balls.

Clearly I won't be picking a fight with a bear any time in the immediate future.

Created by Oatmeal

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-11-11T13:54:00.008-06:00

It's official. Anabella and I are in the bribery stage of our relationship.

It started out slow enough ... some mini-M&Ms while I brushed the tangles out of her hair (her hair gets crazy tangled -- she probably deserves a cocktail, but that would be wrong) and the occasional chocolate milk here and there.

But today, it was full on blackmail, thanks mainly to SpongeBob SquarePants.

Anabella is completely enamored with SBSP. The problem is that SBSP is on Nickelodeon, instead of our usual Noggin. Noggin is commercial-free. Nickelodeon is non-stop commercials for every stupid toy and sugary snack ever made. For the past week, they have been advertising Moxy Girls (WTF is a Moxy Girl?) during every episode.

So this morning, I needed to keep Anabella home from preschool due to a scheduling conflict. And of course, she was really pissed about that and went into full meltdown mode as I was trying to get out the door.

I foolishly and selflessly thought about our poor nanny and how her day was going to go, and said to Anabella "if you are good for Ana today, and play nicely with Scarlett, I will bring you home a surprise." (thinking stickers or something silly)

As she wipes a tear from her cheek, she innocently looks up and says, "A Moxy Girl?"

F*ck.

So much for setting goals

2009-11-09T06:29:00.003-06:00

NaBloPoMo was just a little too industrious for me at this point in time. I really liked the idea, but I don't know that I would have had something interesting to say every day. It probably would have been a lot of bitching and moaning, so I really did you guys a huge favor by blowing it.

So, let's talk about Facebook. I finally broke down and joined last week. (I am helping our HR dept start a fan page, so I felt the need to actually get on and use it.) And, as previously suspected, I am not enjoying the FB as much as other people seem to. While I have been friended by some very cool people from the past, I have also been friended by some people I never liked or didn't know very well in high school ... and that would be 20 years ago. WTF? At this very moment, I have a friend request from someone that I don't even remember. Don't I have to draw a line somewhere? Or do I just say whatever and friend everyone? It seems like some people do that. (The people with 500 friends!)

I also have some friends who play LOTS of games, so when I find a few minutes to log in, I am bombarded by crap like "so and so found a lost kitten and is putting it up for adoption" or "so and so is playing Farkle." (What is Farkle?) One person even took a bunch of tests that kept telling her she was "beautiful" and she was making comments about how great and wonderful said tests were. Gag.

It will get less annoying over time I'm sure, but I think I am just more of a Twitter girl.

Rage Rover

2009-11-05T21:12:00.001-06:00

I was driving Anabella to preschool one day last week and as we pulled into the parking lot she said, "F*cking car!"

Very calmly, I asked (just in case I heard it wrong) "What did you say?"

"F*CKING CAR!"

As I silently try to figure out what to do next, she added "It means get out of the way." (Ha. Like I didn't know that.)

I instantly knew she learned that from me, because while Dan does have some rage, it's not road rage. The sad part was that I couldn't recall saying it ... I guess I was just muttering obscenities under my breath.

So as an experiment in self-actualization, I've started recording my outbursts (repeats of my outbursts) on my iPhone and well, it is not pretty. I'll provide a recap at the end of the week, but let's just say that someone might need an anger-management class if she doesn't want to raise a bunch of potty mouths.

"WTF?" Wednesday

2009-11-04T23:53:00.000-06:00

WTF was I thinking when I signed up for NaBloPoMo? And why didn't you guys try to stop me? It's only day four and I already feel like the Dunkin Donuts guy ... "time to write the blog. time to write the blog." I'm all about setting goals, but this is kind of like starting a no-carb diet during the holidays. Maybe I could make my life extra hard by adopting a few more toddlers or a litter of puppies that needs house training.

So anyway, I get this email today from Sur la table (a store that I love, love, love) and am instantly intrigued because Thanksgiving is approaching, we eat mostly organic meat, and they say it's like the bestest turkey eh-ver!

Then I scrolled down to see that this turkey costs $110 for a 15-pounder. Holy crap! That turkey better be the best thing I ever put in my mouth. I'm talking no gravy necessary, super juicy, tasty and slightly orgasmic turkey. I spent $65 on a turkey two years ago and felt like an idiot. (organic but 27 pounds!) The lady at the checkout even made fun of me.

But I guess the good news here is that if even 50 people are willing to spend that kind of cash on a turkey, then the economy is clearly recovering.

P.S. If you buy one, we usually eat our Thanksgiving meal in the early afternoon, so I could totally be free to join you for dinner.

Pumpkin Chunken' Festival

2009-11-03T22:33:00.011-06:00

Yes, another fun activity we participated in last weekend -- the Pumpkin Chunken' Festival (www.comehurl.org). The event centers around a huge catapult (I was told it took days to build) that is used to destroy pumpkins. What could be more fun than smashing pumpkins?

They had a little carnival for the kids, but whenever a pumpkin was about to be launched, everyone stopped what they were doing to watch. It was surprising how far those pumpkins would go (a few hundred yards?) and how they all had a different angle/path/level of destruction at the end. I was over it in about an hour, but I think most of the men could have stayed out there all day.

Men, destruction -- you know the deal.

So did anyone notice that the creator of Wow Wow Wubbzy left a comment on last night's post? I have to say that was more exciting than when Dooce tweeted me. And in Anabella's world, that is right up there with a phone call from the Pope or George Clooney asking me out (Call me, George!).

So, thanks again, Bob Boyle. You made our morning -- and we bought the new Wubb Idol DVD at Target in your honor!

P.S. Day three of NaBloPoMo. Whew. Only 27 more to go.

Halloween too

2009-11-02T22:29:00.005-06:00

Here are the girls' Halloween photos. Anabella was "Shine." Yes, I know you have no clue who Shine is ... no one else did either ... so I let her carry the Shine doll around with her as a reference tool. (Shine is a character on Wow Wow Wubbzy voiced by Beyonce.) She had a blast and definitely has a little rock star in her, so that is all that mattered.

Scarlett was a cow. She couldn't care less about Halloween and probably just thought it was a nice warm outfit on a cool night. But isn't she cute?

Boo!

2009-11-01T22:19:00.007-06:00

For the first time in a very long time, I was truly frightened on Halloween. My friend Kathy's daughter was having her first birthday party, and Scarlett was still napping, so Anabella and I went over alone. Dan called just as we were leaving to go trick-or-treating with the birthday party to find out where they could meet us. A few minutes later, this comes walking down the street.

Yes, that is my husband and his last-minute, surprise costume. He's wearing a Halloween costume of mine from several years ago (I was a senorita) ... with painted finger nails and reeking of my perfume. And he was wearing a pair of heels that I haven't worn yet. Oh, and pearls. LOL

P.S. Of course the girls were total cuties. I'll post photos of them tomorrow. For some crazy reason, I signed up for NaBloPoMo this year (30 posts in 30 days), so I need to stretch this out. ;)

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-10-28T14:37:00.003-05:00

It's been two weeks (I know, sorry!), and the WTF photos have been piling up in my iPhone ... so let's get to it.

Car? Motorcycle? Some weird cross between the two like the zonkey? I don't understand. Why one big ass wheel in the back? WTF?

Really. An orange mohawk. Do you know how long it took me to explain this to my four year old? Didn't this hairstyle go out in the 80s?

I know it's the writer/editor in me, but WTF, Channel 2? They have this cool tool called "spell check" now. Maybe you guys should get it.

Anyone know WTF a "Corn Hole Tournament" is? I do now, but seriously, that name is just wrong.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-10-14T23:55:00.006-05:00

I had a great "WTF? Wednesday" ready to go ... about our nanny and her wacky mom ... but then I got a call from my BFF from high school, Halle, from Texas Children's Hospital. And now, her one-year-old daughter is in surgery, having a "foreign object" removed from her lungs. So I am sitting here, waiting for the call that she is okay and in recovery.

My friend Kathy mentioned that something similar had happened to her as a baby ... she was on a counter and grabbed a whole peanut, which she then proceeded to choke on. I had no idea something you swallowed could end up in your lungs? And once we started talking about it, Kathy and I decided it's really a miracle she's here with us at all. Why was she on a counter as a baby? (we made up a little scenario where her mom left her on the counter so she could step out on the patio for a scotch and a cig. ha!)

So please say a little prayer for baby Blair. Did I mention that it is Halle's wedding anniversary too? WTF, Universe? That's pretty crappy.

And to end on a happy note. WTF is this all about? If I want something to taste like bacon, I'll put some bacon in it. I don't want bacon-flavored anything ... that should only be done to dog food.

That being said, Dan bought this and we had it on some hamburgers. It was good, but it was no bacon.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-10-07T16:55:00.004-05:00

WTF is wrong with the Wisconsin Tourism Federation? They had THE BEST ACRONYM EVER, and then they totally went and rearranged the words in their name. So now, instead of WTF, they are TFW. Blah.

Their website (http://www.witourismfederation.org/) says they changed it so it would "no longer distract from their mission."

WTF, TFW? Think of the clever advertising you could do with "WTF" ... for example:

- "Haven't been to Wisconsin lately? WTF!"
- "Hey France, we have better cheese than you. WTF!"

SO many possibilities.

The many faces of Scarlett's first haircut

2009-10-05T13:08:00.004-05:00

Similar to Scarlett's first turn on our water slide, it was hard to tell if she was loving or hating her first haircut.

Clearly, it's not the best style in the world, Scarlett, but you have short, baby-fine hair that's hanging in your eyes. I had to do something.

I guess she liked the bow. Or, she was just happy it was over.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-09-30T16:00:00.003-05:00

I took a quick trip to San Antonio over the weekend, and because I was all alone in the car, I had plenty of time to notice all the weird crap on that stretch of I-10. (Texas does not disappoint in the "WTF?" department!)

WTF is this? Tacky lawn art meets "Texas-sized" crap? I don't think I have ever seen something this gaudy on the side of the freeway. Or really anywhere, for that matter.

How would you like to work inside an ice chest all day? How many six packs do you think this holds?

This sign still confuses me. WTF does that mean? Aren't lawyers suing lawyers every day?

Rhonda Recommends

2009-09-28T18:12:00.001-05:00

Hung (on HBO)

I was sick in bed for most of the weekend and was able to watch the entire first season on Sunday. It's definitely NC-17, but the characters are interesting and the story line is crazy, but possible, which makes it even more entertaining.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-09-23T11:47:00.002-05:00

Clearly this person does not watch TV. Or listen to the radio. Or read newspapers and magazines. I'm pretty sure this car was a prime candidate for the Cash for Clunkers program ... it was probably even featured in the paperwork.

String to hold down the hood? Duct tape holding the side mirror on? Is there a mouse under the hood or do they just pedal this thing like Fred Flintstone? WTF? That "H" isn't for Honda, it's for hoopty!

The last two weeks ... a pictorial

2009-09-21T18:32:00.003-05:00

Lake trips, vandalism, drinking ... there's been a little of everything. Except blogging. Whoops.

Anabella and I went on a mommy-daughter trip to my friend Jeanne's lake house. (It was her first experience on a boat, and being my daughter, she went right for the driver's seat.)

The first thing she said was "that's a LOT of water, mommy!" I could never coax her into the water, so we now own another baby pool. At least this one has palm trees.

I received a lot of feedback on my last "WTF? Wednesday." Stasa even went so far as to try a "Chelada" (which they are apparently calling Michelada in San Antonio), and she gives it rave reviews. So I guess I will try one soon.

I also took a little time out to vandalize another coworker's cube. He moved out, so I don't feel too bad. And now that he is in another building, they probably took away his access to this floor, meaning no retaliation. That's always good.

And finally, we had Scarlett's birthday party yesterday. Pizza, cake, football, Bloody Mary's and good friends ... Scarlett throws a kick-ass party!

Happy Birthday, Scarlett!

2009-09-17T23:22:00.005-05:00

Dear Scarlett:

You're two today! Your babyhood has gone by in a flash, so I took the day off to celebrate with just YOU. At lunch, you were treated like a total rock star at Luby's. Not only did they bring you a crown and a bunch of balloons, but you also had free jello and a delicious red velvet cup cake (I promise, I only had one or two small bites!). Who knew you were going to love jello so much? And of course you were completely excited to sit in a chair.

Then we went to the Children's Museum, where you played non-stop and with no restrictions. From setting up a little tea party to playing with the world's largest Lite-Bright, you had a blast doing what YOU wanted to do for a change.

You just recently started learning more words and how to count. It's incredibly cute how you call everyone "daddy" if you don't know their name. And I love how you say "lello" instead of "yellow," "BobBob" instead of "SpongeBob" and "oh no!" for just about everything that you want us to notice.

You are completely fascinated with shoes and drinking out of big-girl glasses, but you are still a cute little baby who loves bubble baths and being rocked to sleep. It's even endearing that you are a total daddy's girl, because you are complete joy all day, every day ... and probably the most likeable person in our family.

Happy birthday, Baby Mo! I love you more than words can say.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-09-02T16:40:00.001-05:00

This week WTF Wednesday revolves entirely around food. Wasn't planned that way, but I am sure it has something to do with eating my feelings. Whatever.

So, WTF is this? Who drinks this? Is this a hangover cure or does someone truly enjoy beer and tomato juice? I need to know.

I took my friend Tracie some Taco Bell last week (she just had twins and isn't getting out much ... you know you are f*cked when Taco Bell is some sort of rare treat), and I noticed the packages have weird messages on them like "I collect straws" and "Will you marry me?" Tracie says they've been like that for years, but I guess that's how long it's been since my last trip to Taco Hell. Then the communicator in me got very annoyed ... WTF is the purpose of this? It doesn't make me laugh or want to buy more crappy tacos.

Finally, these immediately got my attention at the grocery store. I'm not sure what branding mini-cucumbers does for High School Musical (and it probably doesn't help cucumbers much either) and quite frankly, it seems a little dirty to me.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving Cheladas with snarky hot sauce and cucumber swizzle sticks.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

2009-08-31T12:59:00.002-05:00

I am hoping at least a few of you remember Ren and Stimpy. I have officially put on my happy helmet and am determined that this is going to be a fabulous week. Because last week was total crap and I cannot handle a repeat. A good friend found out she has breast cancer. Dan's dad found out his cancer has returned. And lots of other stupid trivial things happened.

The most entertaining stupid trivial thing included me, my white pants and a mocha frappuccino. I was coming back to the office after a quick trip to Starbucks. I got out of my car and walked around toward the back, when the frappuccino slipped out of my hands, hit the concrete and SPLAT ... all over the right leg of my white pants.

Me (in a very loud voice): "JESUS! F*CK!"

A voice from the distance: "Rhonda?"

Me (panicking in my head): "CRAP! You just took the Lord's name in vein AND dropped an F-bomb in the parking garage."

From around a car, comes my coworker Vanessa. WHEW.

Vanessa: "I knew I recognized that voice. Are you okay?" Looks down at my pants and begins to laugh. "Oh my."

She was nice enough to walk with me through the sky walks (pretending like no big deal), and even let me hide behind her on the elevator. Thirty minutes and one entire Tide pen later, my pant leg was completely soaked, but the frappuccino was mostly gone.

The moral of the story ... invest in Tide pens. Oh, and don't cuss and act like a raging maniac in the parking garage at work.

The following portion of this blog is rated "R"

So, I took this test last week (and was so tickled by the questions that I could not stop laughing ... it was as close to being completely hysterical as I have ever come ... I am pretty sure my coworkers wanted to slap me), but feel I should go ahead and post my results ... just in case anyone wants to mess with me and/or ruin the fabulous week ahead.

Created by The Oatmeal

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-08-26T23:14:00.001-05:00

This is what the last few days have been like for me. Basically a "WTF?" week ... all the way around.

In fact, WTF monkey is going to be my new mascot. Whenever I post him, you know to send over some booze and comfort food.

Look over there ------>

2009-08-25T16:26:00.003-05:00

Check out my Twitter feed. Dooce retweeted me today. How cool is that?

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-08-19T22:00:00.001-05:00

"What the f*ck am I doing on the executive floor?" Edition

It's week two of my life on the executive floor. It's been surprisingly okay and I haven't had to taper too much. In fact, I thought it would be very quiet and proper, and it's actually quite the opposite. I'm still not dropping f-bombs or taking dance breaks, but it's only a matter of time.

So here's the scoop.

More security than Fort Knox
Cameras everywhere! Coming or going by elevator? Someone knows.(Don't pull your panties out of your butt in this elevator lobby.) In fact, I probably got a demerit in my personnel file when they saw me taking this photo.

"Did you know you have gone to the restroom five times today? We know. We see you." WTF? Can't I walk past the freight elevator without Big Brother checking me out?

The bright side of all this security is that practically no one has access to the floor. You don't get to see me unless I want to see you. Muahahahaha.

Top-notch snacks and such
Free soft drinks and Starbucks every day, all day. We even have several blends to chose from ... and no more powdered creamer. Hooray.

We also get to nosh on the remnants from executive meetings. Free chips and pickles? You had me at "leftovers."

Helpful signs everywhere
Did you forget how to wash your hands? There's a handy how-to guide right next to the sinks. (Really? Even my four year old remembers how to wash her hands.)

Stressed? Feeling the pressure of being on the executive floor? If that is you in picture #3, you need a massage. (WTF is up with that couple in the middle? Did they get a headache when they realized they were at Olan Mills? Or maybe they need a V8.)

And finally, awkward moments

My favorite was going to the ladies room and finding the CFO and an EVP having a powwow. I wasn't sure if I should just turn around and come back later, or go ahead and do my business. Do I really want to pee in the background while they are making important executive decisions?

Bee Gees, fuzzy boots and Pabst Blue Ribbon

2009-08-17T10:30:00.008-05:00

After happy-hour cocktails to celebrate my friend Kathy's birthday on Saturday night, the group decided to continue the party down the street at the House of Blues. Little did we know that we would find a treasure ... a band that would play excellent music AND make us laugh until we cried. (In fact, we all stood around in disbelief for a good five minutes with a "is this for real?" look on our faces.)

I give you Tragedy, a heavy metal, Bee Gees tribute band.

Yes, you heard me correctly. Think heavy metal sound, disco lyrics, spandex, glitter and some crazy showmanship. (If I had known, I would have brought a real camera, but the iPhone didn't do too bad.) They rocked all the classic Bee Gees stuff, but the pièce de résistance was their version of the Barbra Streisand tune "I am a woman in love." (I almost peed myself.)

If you ever get the opportunity, you have to go see these guys. The music was great (if you enjoy hard rock and the Bee Gees) and watching men dance around in spandex jumpsuits is surprisingly entertaining.

Yes, that is a slightly hefty guy wearing silver spandex shorts, fuzzy pink boots and hot-pink, elbow-length gloves. This photo really doesn't do his beer belly justice.

P.S. There was also an AC/DC tribute band that sounded exactly like the original (and they definitely looked the part). They were excellent, but unless you are wearing fuzzy boots and spandex shorts, you don't get an entire blog post.

P.P.S. Dan thought is was hysterical that HOB serves Pabst Blue Ribbon. Apparently, it brought back some high-school memories for him, so he bought a bucket of them and made us all drink one. Yuk.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-08-12T17:00:00.001-05:00

Morons on wheels
I can't get away from them. My tolerance is definitely low (because I didn't have to drive in rush-hour traffic from 2000 to 2008), but I think I attract the dumbest of the dumb. Not only did this guy drive halfway on the shoulder for the entire 10-mile stretch of freeway (even on the overpasses ... he was maybe a foot from the bridge railing), he was also tailgating and stomping on his brakes randomly.

This person is why I can never get a concealed handgun permit.

Didn't need to see that

This was at the checkout line. Ugh. President Obama does not make a pretty woman. And WTF is up with putting him in drag at checkout anyway?

Ruining crappy TV for everyone

Really, "E!"? I know late night is the time for all the ridiculous infomericals and chat-line advertisements, but booty calls at 11:30? No one is that drunk until way after midnight. This seems like a new low even for you.

I just need to pee

Okay, I am all for having something to say, but you need to pick an appropriate time and place. I couldn't decide if this was a "deep thought" or just a commentary on toilet paper. After a moment or two, I was like "WTF? I'm in the bathroom." Could we stop with the 24/7 messaging? I just want to pee and look at the bathroom door.

Ahhh, the weekends

2009-08-10T12:26:00.006-05:00

Life has been exceptionally good lately. The last three weekends have been so much fun that it actually made up for all the crap I put up with during the week. What a nice change!

I took Anabella for her first pedicure, which she loved. Between the cartoons, the ice cream with sprinkles and the flowers painted on her toenails, I think she's hooked. She giggled through her entire foot rub, which was highly entertaining for everyone.

I also spent a recent weekend at Lake Livingston, relaxing with girlfriends. At first, that mommy guilt kicked in, but once I had a coffee martini in me (drinking at 10 a.m. rocks!), I was in heaven. It's been a long time since I have laughed so much and so hard. This is a place I've been visiting since my mid-20's, so it was nice to reconnect with ME. I took some notes on my iPhone of all the funny things said that day, but when I went back and read them ... well, it wasn't exactly PG stuff. Girls can be raunchy after a few vodka lemonades!

Check out the view ... how perfect is that? I also got to indulge my need for speed on one of the new wave runners. 49 MPH, folks! (I had the butt bruises to prove it.)

Last weekend, Anabella and I went to KB's house to help decorate cupcakes for a bake sale to support my friend Kathy's puppy rescue charity. Anabella had the best time and looked friggin' adorable. She even did a pretty good job decorating.

And sampling ...

And then we got to bottle feed these sweet little babies ... all 8 of them. My recent tingling of wanting another baby was completely squashed, so that was the good news.

Scarlett is still adorable and perfect ... and nearing two! Lately, she has been discovering her love of shoes.

And the best part of the last few weekends ... Anabella is now miraculously potty trained! I don't WTF happened there, but thank you to the potty gods for small favors. That child has given me more bathroom problems than I could have ever imagined ... remember the days of finger painting with poop?! Or when I had to duct tape her into her diapers? No more! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-07-29T17:08:00.005-05:00

Dear Mr. Scooter Rider:

WTF are you doing on the freeway in the middle of rush hour, IN THE FAST LANE, on that effing thing?? It was irritating enough when we were in bumper-to-bumper traffic and you kept messing around with the strap on your helmut and nearly falling off every 10 feet. But when we broke free from the pack -- and you couldn't go over 45 MPH -- well, let's just say my road rage nearly got the best of me.

It would have been totally wrong to gently bump into you with my SUV, but at least my blood pressure would have been back to a normal level.

Please stop kidding yourself ... that is not a motorcycle. It's a glorified moped. And you ride your moped to the neighborhood pool and back. Just like I did when I was in high school.

P.S. If this is your mid-life crisis, you really missed the mark.

P.P.S. And don't let me catch you in anything leather.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-07-22T15:45:00.000-05:00

Saw this sign at the church where my girls attend a Mother's Day Out program. They also serve breakfast to the homeless every morning.

Anyone care to speculate on what kind of bathroom vandalism would cause an entire PBJ lock down?

Busy Monday ... but what's Scarlett balancing on her head today?

2009-07-20T17:33:00.001-05:00

A lense cap.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-07-15T17:03:00.004-05:00

The unfriendly skies
WTF is up with all the plane crashes and near-misses lately? A plane crashed in Iran this morning... a foot-long hole "opened up" in the fuselage of a Southwest flight on Monday ... doesn't seem like a good time to get on a plane, huh?

We haven't been traveling much these past two years because taking toddlers on planes not only makes you incredibly unpopular, it also makes you feel like an unqualified cat herder. But with all the recent crashes and emergency landings, Dan and I have discussed taking separate flights next time we travel somewhere without the kiddos. Not that I find that to be a bad idea. Might as well get a break from everyone, right?

Why senior citizens shouldn't give birth
Remember that woman who had twins a few years ago at the age of 66? Well, she died. They are 2 years old. They were conceived with donor eggs and sperm, so they have no father or true extended family. Ridiculous. Selfish. Argh.

Taxidermy at it's finest?
On my lunch-time cruise of TweetDeck (yes, I have a bit of a problem now ... I'm hooked), I came across these photos.

Be warned. I got a little queasy when I took the time to think about what I was looking at. The last photo is my personal favorite ... and a potential Father's Day gift for Dan next year. Nothing says "we love you" like mouse-head cuff links.

P.S. I can access "F*ck You Penguin" again today. FU, IT.

Happy birthday, Anabella

2009-07-14T13:00:00.005-05:00

My baby turned FOUR last Saturday. FOUR. I can hardly believe how fast the years have flown by. It seems as though she has instantly turned into an opinionated, funny, strong-willed, somewhat bossy, thoughtful, good-natured, emotional, sweet little person.

So anyway, we (me) threw a SpongeBob water slide party.

Thanks to Nam for spending 2-1/2 hours helping me ice this friggin' cake! Then her kiddos got fever and she couldn't even come over and enjoy the glory. And of course I didn't give her any credit.

Anabella finally decided she wanted to be four. Up until party time, she was TWO, dammit.

I wanted to strangle Dan when he came home with this million-dollar water slide last summer, but it's probably the best money we've spent in a long time. It's durable, the kids will play on it for hours on end, and in Texas, we have lots of time to use it.

I almost peed myself laughing when Scarlett came down the water slide. Her expression was 70 percent "WTF? Please call CPS!" and 30 percent "I think this is fun."

Anabella got a ton of great gifts, but this one was a big hit, which means Anabella and Scarlett threw-down over it. (For all you Noggin virgins, it's the hat and glasses that DJ Lance wears on Yo Gabba Gabba.) The hat plays dance music from YGG when you move.

Happy birthday, Anabella. As my favorite four year old always tells me ... "you're my girl!"

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-07-08T18:16:00.001-05:00

The IT gestapo is at it again
First, they blocked the National Nap Month site, because reading about napping is "malicious," and now they have blocked Kodak Gallery, because it's a "personal network storage and backup" site. Uh huh. So? Weirdly enough, you can still access Snapfish and Shutterfly and Flickr. Just not the one site I use. WTF?

And it's also strangely and ridiculously random. I can visit one of my favorite blogs ("F*ck you, Penguin") one day and the next day it tells me that site is "tasteless." You can't email me a document with the word "f*ck" in it, but I can email my list of our 200 top executives that same document, no problem.

Bad marketing, Texas
I saw this sign last week and it gave me the heeby jeebies. WTF is up with the creepy-ass sign, Texas? I don't mind participating in an extended neighborhood watch, but could we get a better mascot? The guy with the extra wide shoulders, teeny tiny head and crazy eyes kind of looks like one of the Sand People from Star Wars.

Inappropriate Behavior
As I sit here writing this, I hear one of my coworkers return to the office. He's eating something, he opens a can of coke, and then I hear him ... clipping his nails??? I walk over to see why he is back, but it's not Stephen. It's the janitor. Hanging out in Stephen's cube for a quick bite and some personal hygiene. WTF? What else is going on in our cubicle nation after hours?

Bringing the fun back to holidays

2009-07-06T16:52:00.000-05:00

I get joy from my children almost every day, but one thing that is really so super awesome fantastic about little kids is how much they enjoy holidays. Anabella really "got" July 4th this year, which made it my best July 4th in at least a decade. (My last awesome July 4th included me losing my hearing for about two weeks, but that's another post.)

My friend Stasa threw a great party, complete with babysitters and lots of activities for the kiddos. And she lives about a block away from the location of the biggest fireworks in Houston, so it couldn't have been a better evening. Anabella discovered her love of glow-in-the-dark jewelry and fire, in the form of sparklers ...

... and we had an incredible view of the fireworks display. (Sorry, but iPhone isn't equipped for that kind of photography.)

So it totally made up for having to stay in this hell-hole weather, instead of taking our usual trip to Michigan, where they are enjoying 70-degree days. (Bastards.)

Dan also cleaned our pool this weekend, evicting our two resident frogs and their million or so offspring. (He also had to kill a water spider that was apparently the size of his hand. Eeek.) Which means I no longer have to listen to frogs fornicating as I go to sleep at night. Oh. And I can swim in my pool. Yeah!

P.S. What's Scarlett balancing on her head today? A box of mac & cheese, of course.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-07-01T16:24:00.003-05:00

I received the following mass email from a neighbor yesterday:

Hi all,
If you know me you know I have two dachshunds that run out the door, climb under the fence or escape when the yard company does not shut gate totally. I really try to watch them but they are a handful. Thanks to anyone that has or will help me. I am at (address).

Name of Neighbor

WTF, stupid neighbor? I have personally returned your dog(s) at least five times and my babysitter has returned them twice. Once you wouldn't even answer the door, so she opened it up and threw them in. This is what your note says to me:

Hi minions,
I have two dogs that are a total pain in my ass and I don't care enough to take care of them. They will probably be run over in the near future, but I'm not really concerned with that ... in fact, that would be great because these dachshunds are ruining my life.

If you see them, please go to the trouble of catching them and bring them to me at my earliest convenience. Of course, I won't do anything to keep it from happening again, so please expect to do this several times. You don't have anything better to do, right?

The Queen of the Subdivision

P.S. Please do not touch me, look at me directly or use my name in vain.

Have any stupid neighbor stories for me? Feel free to leave a link.

Just another day in ...

2009-06-29T17:44:00.005-05:00

I was hoping today would be all flowers and sunshine and rainbows .... especially after the events of last week, but instead it was just more blah and scorching 100+ degree weather.

Driving in to work I hear the OxyClean guy died, and all I could think was that I hope I don't get sucked into watching a tribute to him. I spent a few hours over the weekend learning more about MJ and FF, and I should probably be spending that time with the kiddos. Plus, the Bachlorette is on tonight and I have to see what that douche bag Wes is up to this week.

Layoffs are over, but everyone is still in a funk around here. I tried to hold the elevator for a woman this morning, but it nearly chopped off my arm. The woman who was already on the elevator with me chimed "Ha ha! Too bad, so sad!" I must have given her quite the look, because she spent the next 35 flights telling me the nice things she had done lately, which she said gave her karma credits. Uh huh.

So, I need some happy news, blog friends. What is HAPPY in your life this week?

P.S. What's Scarlett balancing on her head today? Tupperware!

What's Scarlett balancing on her head today?

2009-06-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

I know you will all be excited for this new, but probably short-lived, feature at The B.S. Cafe. Scarlett hit 21 months, and she was so OVER sitting on things.

Her new favorite hobby is trying to balance things on her head. Stay tuned.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a big sigh of relief. I'm still employed ... for now.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-06-24T20:42:00.003-05:00

OMAR EDITION

WTF, Omar? Why haven't you posted since May 28? I know my birthday was pretty exciting for everyone, but even I posted within a week of the big day.

Please don't make me take further action.

What will cause Rhonda to drink heavily this week?

2009-06-23T12:10:00.013-05:00

Here's the lowdown on the warfare against me over the past few days.

Crohn's in full flare-up. Spent most of the weekend in bed.
Waiting for layoffs at work ... which feels like waiting for the Grim Reaper to arrive.
Deuce, curled up on my chest sleeping, looks up and takes a bite out of my NECK. The really sensitive part of my neck half way between my chin and collar bone. A-hole.
Anabella is pushing all of my buttons at every opportunity. Telling me "no" and being quite the PITA.
Scarlett runs up behind me, hugs my leg ... and then BITES me on the ass. Hard. Then laughs.
Deuce knocks my bedside lamp onto my head in the middle of the night, almost giving me a complete heart attack.
Scarlett continues to manhandle Deuce and requires constant supervision. But now she runs, with Deuce still in her grips, if I reprimand her.
Put Deuce in my bedroom for a few minutes to give Scarlett a "time out." He crawls into my bra/panty drawer and PEES.
Did I mention Dan is out of town?

So, what will it be?

What will cause Rhonda to drink heavily this week?(survey)

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-06-17T17:26:00.002-05:00

I'm headed to work this morning, listening to a local R&B station, and the Sean John song "Get Busy" comes on. I've heard it before, but I can't say that I've really listened to the lyrics ... and not 15 seconds in, I swear I hear my daughter's name. OMFG ... he did not just say "Anabella" I thought. So I listen ... and wait ... and I hear it again. OMFG.

As soon as I get to work I google the song lyrics and sure enough ... Anabella. Telling her to shake her thing. Get jiggy. Get it on. WTF? Anabella isn't exactly a super-common name. How did that happen?

Here's a snippit ...

Shake that thing miss kana kana

Shake that thing miss annabella
Shake that thing yan donna donna
Jodi and rebecca
Woman get busy, just shake that booty non-stop
When the beat drops
Just keep swinging it
Get jiggy
Get crunked up
Percolate anything you want to call it
Oscillate you hip and don't take pity
Me want fi see you get live 'pon the riddim when me ride
And me lyrics a provide electricity
Gal nobody can tell you nuttin'
Can you done know your destiny
Yo sexy ladies want par with us

Please consider this an open letter to the music community ... I beg you to write a nice love song/top-40 teeny bopper hit/musak tune using my daughter's name. I can not tell you how annoyed I get when a middle-aged man sings "Help Me, Rhonda," but at least that song doesn't tell me to shake my ass and get "crunked" up.

Why oh why did I not name my child Beth or Mandy or Caroline or Janie or Roxanne ...

Kitty!

2009-06-14T21:43:00.011-05:00

We have a new family member! He's an absolute sweetheart, but he's also a kick ass ninja kitty who put both dogs in line within 24 hours. Apparently he also has no nerve endings, because he's been brutalized by Scarlett and has yet to bite or scratch her. He's a keeper.

We've been running through names, but are having a hard time deciding on something. So take the poll below ... I'm giving the power to the people!

I tend to lean toward people names for animals, but we have a three year old participating in the process. See if you can tell which two suggestions are Anabella's.

Things I've learned recently - Jury Duty Edition

2009-06-10T10:05:00.010-05:00

A big thanks to the powers that be for not picking me to serve on the jury. It was a child-molestation case, which is probably the last kind of trial I would chose to sit on. (It was hellish enough just listening to the charges and staring at the defendant all day.) But, as with everything else, I was able to find the humor in the situation. So here is what I learned from my day at jury duty.

1. A grand jury will indict a ham sandwich. Or so said the defense attorney. I had no idea that ham sandwiches were so dangerous, but maybe it goes back to the Cass Elliott/ham sandwich rumors.

2. People actually want to serve jury duty. When asked who wanted to be there, 22 people (out of 100), raised their hands. Most were young (early 20s) and several said it would be "cool" or "fun" to be included in the process. Others wanted to serve because their employers would pay them if they were picked. I don't know where those people work, but it must be someplace awful. I work at AIG and I didn't want to be there.

3. Judges want to talk to "normal" people. Our judge stopped the proceedings to find out if someone in the jury pool was maybe related to him because they shared his mother's maiden name. This is also probably because I was in Podunk, Texas, for jury duty. (I live about 50 steps outside of the county that encompasses most of the Houston area.) I know that for sure because the guy sitting in front of me was the D.A.'s neighbor and several people knew the defense attorney because he had worked for their family or friends.

4. Old people don't know what iPhones are. One of the many suggestions given to me for getting out of jury duty was using my iPhone during the proceedings. I checked email, sent text messages, took a picture of my juror number, and even Yammered with my coworkers, but the baliff (who was sitting one chair down from me) never said a word.

5. Human Resources professionals are better equipped to judge people. Yes, one lady actually claimed to be better suited for jury duty than EVERYONE else in the room because she was in HR. Whatever.

... and my favorite ...

6. Children under the age of 8 don't lie. I know, I can barely write that without laughing, but one man argued that point for 10 long minutes. I wanted to stand up and say "Dude, I have a three year old who lies every day about having poop in her pull-up!"

-- The B.S. Cafe is now (NOT) serving its civic duty.

Help!

2009-06-08T08:34:00.002-05:00

Sitting in jury duty ... Mr. Instructions thinks he is a comedian. Wish I could stab myself in the eye and get out but they wouldn't let us bring in knives. Too bad I didn't wear shorts. Two people have already been dismissed for that.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

2009-06-03T17:31:00.002-05:00

A**hole of the Month Update

I've been reading a lot about Michael Vick lately (the only recipient of The B.S. Cafe's "A**hole of the month" award) ... he's out of jail, wants back into the NFL, blah blah blah. I really don't care if he goes back to playing football. He did his time and quite frankly, there are probably lots of felons playing professional sports these days, but as an animal lover, I almost lost my sh*t when I saw that the Humane Society is considering Vick as a spokesperson for animal cruelty. http://hsus.typepad.com/wayne/2009/05/michael-vick.html

O.M.G. WTF? He probably regrets what he did ... maybe for real or maybe for what it cost him ... but I have serious doubts that in the depths of his soul he believes what he did was wrong. (If he didn't know that drowning, torturing, electrocuting and beating dogs was wrong two years ago, he probably doesn't get it now.) And I would laugh out loud if you put him in front of me to lecture on animal rights. Or maybe I would just punch you in the face for thinking I would fall for that.

Boulder Warfare

Has anyone else noticed the trend of putting large rocks on corners? Here are a few examples around my neighborhood:

This bothers me for three reasons:

1. What are you trying to protect? The grass? The curb? I'm confused.

2. If for some reason you had to drive up onto the curb to avoid an accident, or a pedestrian, or a small animal, or a person carrying a rock, you would hit that thing and totally FUBAR your car. Not even our Hummer would make it unscathed.

3. The fun in owning a SUV is being able to drive up on curbs, roll over medians, etc. Thanks for killing the joy.

-- The B.S. Cafe is currently serving a strong desire to run something over.

Hey Shorty, it's my birthday! (Updated!)

2009-05-28T15:04:00.009-05:00

I'm all grown up now, but you can tell this is me by the red hair and the "WTF?" look on my face. Apparently some things never change.

This has been a pretty decent day. Not the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER, but I am keeping a pro/con list and so far the pros are winning. (I'll update this as the day goes on.)

PROS
1. 11 phone calls, five text messages, several in-person well wishes, four emails and four e-cards so far (including one from Omar!)
2. Treated to lunch by KB – free pizza from CPK, because they goofed and put basil on mine
3. Complimented by strangers on my car, my blouse and my purse today
4. Cake - twice! (Thank you Agustin for the Crave cupcakes!)
5. Been shot at by confetti guns four times and haven't died from the shock
6. I share my birthday with NCS (who is also 39 today), my aunt Cynthia, my sister-in-law Stephanie, Matt D., and my sweet little friend LTR, who turned 12
7. The celebration continues until Saturday (margaritas and Mexican food with close friends)

CONS
1. Checked mail for birthday cards – found jury summons instead
2. 364 days until 40
3. Sick from so much cake this week

(Agustin was also responsible for the confetti guns, but luckily he provided directions.)

Spiraling

2009-05-26T12:26:00.003-05:00

I made the rounds to some of my favorite blogs at lunch and there seems to be a common theme these days ... the economy, bad times and general blah-ness.

And it's much of the same going on here, which is why I haven't been blogging. I haven't enjoyed much free time (Dan has been traveling a lot), and it's all been doom and gloom lately, so I didn't want to bring you all down. Work life (still at AIG) a total mess? Check. Personal life (big demands, little resources) taking a toll? Check. Family drama and turmoil (my poor dad is sleeping on my couch ... don't ask)? Check. Turning almost 40 this week? Check. Want to run away? Check.

I am still a "half-full" girl, but lately I've needed some help staying there. While driving in the car this weekend, Anabella was noticing all the wild flowers ... naming off the colors ... and then she stops and says "Mommy, those flowers are for you. ALL the flowers are for you." Of course that got me all teary-eyed. How sweet! What a precious little girl. I spent the rest of the afternoon in one of those "I should appreciate the things I have" moods.

Not five hours later, I am changing into sleep clothes and Anabella laughs and points to the back of my leg. "That's bumpy!"

Anabella giveth, Anabella taketh away.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a little reality to a certain three-year-old girl. That's cellulite, Anabella, and you will know all about it in approximately 20 years.

A: Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and the Gay Redneck

2009-05-14T12:22:00.000-05:00

Q: What are three things that don't exist?

Here is photographic evidence to the contrary. This man had several interesting additions to his macked-out Dooley pick-up. I've pointed out the best below.

Disclaimer: I have no issues with being gay or a Redneck. It's just not a combo I have ever seen in my 38 years living in Texas.

Things I've learned recently

2009-05-12T13:14:00.012-05:00

1. If you peel a banana from the bottom up, you don't get those gross stringy things.

Apparently that's how monkeys do it. Hard to imagine stringy things would be a problem for animals that throw feces and sniff butts, but whatever.

2. If something is on fire, black smoke means no one is putting water on it yet.

We were watching a house fire from our 35-floor windows yesterday and my coworker Stephen says "no firetrucks yet." I'm all like "how do you know that?" and he says "no white smoke." Sure enough, five minutes later the black smoke turned white ... fire trucks on the scene.

3. Aerosmith's "Dude looks like a lady" is about Vince Neil.

Clearly, I am watching too much E! television.

4. Sonic has the healthiest french fries.

Thanks for the tidbit, Susan. Check out the full french-fry scoop.

5. Announcing layoffs makes everyone in your office crazy.

-- The B. S. Cafe is now serving paranoia and general disgruntlement.

"What the f*ck?" Friday

2009-05-08T12:46:00.002-05:00

It's all Dan's fault this is late. Believe me, I am thinking "WTF?" all day every day, I just haven't had time to post about it. (But he is home today, so he's totally forgiven!)

So here's two-weeks worth of "WTF?" stuff.

I've been worried about Swine Flu all week, and what I really should be thinking about is Shingles?

Ummm, maybe you are still a BACHELOR, because you can't spell and you don't even take the time to spell check before you emboss your car.

Hmmmm. Is a comment really necessary? Maybe if we left the head on the priest it wouldn't seem so ... you know.

Dear Range Rover: Why does my car love Nickelback so much? Nickelback is never playing and 96.5 is not an all-Nickelback station. How about giving me my Money-back for the piece of crap satellite radio that doesn't know the difference between Nickelback and Taylor Swift?

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today?

Blah, Ugh, Help

2009-05-04T13:38:00.003-05:00

Dan has been traveling for over a week now, and although I am not totally alone in the endeavor to keep my children safe and sound, I still feel like I have been hit by a very large truck. Maybe even a bulldozer. Whatever it was, I'm the roadkill. Scarlett summed it up yesterday ...

I really wasn't expecting it to be this hard. Dan traveled a lot when Scarlett was a newborn, and that was exhausting too, but something about working full-time and then coming home to two toddlers (one of whom refuses to go to bed before 9:30) is beyond difficult.

So, first I'd like to give a shout out to all the working, single moms. Holy crap, you ladies deserve an award! Second, while I would like to whine some more about poor me getting my ass kicked by a bunch of half-pints, I really just wanted everyone to know why I haven't been blogging.

And since I am sleep deprived and clearly on the road to depression, here's a fun exercise ... a way for you all to make me feel better. (I stole the idea from a local radio show.) PLEASE entertain me with your witty comments. I need something to keep me awake until at least 10 p.m. And I might even give a prize.

Name something that the Internet has ruined forever.

Their list included:

Rick Astley (have you been "Rick Rolled?")

Cats (Because everyone is bothering the poor cats with photo taking for funny captions on Internet sites. Whatever, cats. Get over it.)

Watching TV with other people

Motivational posters (I think we are okay with this one, right?)

Phone books

Newspapers

Tom Cruise

Porn (Because it's no longer mysterious and hard to come by ... and yes, I avoided the obvious joke there ... whaaa. Poor porn guys. It's all so common now.)

Journalism (I think that might be a dig at bloggers!)

Privacy

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a large helping of parental exhaustion with a side of "what the hell happened to my life?"

Eight years and counting

2009-04-28T21:40:00.004-05:00

Today is our 8th wedding anniversary. Dan is in Chicago, so I'm all pitiful. The girls and I had celebratory fish sticks for dinner and I chased them with a mocha frappaccino. Delish.

I went to our online family website and found this photo from our wedding (lovely border courtesy of a crazy aunt). Look how happy we were ... younger, thinner, better skin. Ah, the memories.

(mush on) Anywho, I have to say that I love the man as much as I did on this day ... maybe even more. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. (mush off)

Bee, if you see him walking down the street or in a restaurant or something, give him a big hug for me.

Really, Dan?

2009-04-27T16:01:00.005-05:00

Dan recently took the girls to Build-A-Bear Workshop. The bear on the left is Scarlett's bear ... Anabella picked it out for her. The bear on the right is Anabella's bear. Dan swears she picked it out all by herself.

Really, Dan? The masculine-looking bear wearing camouflage ... with a matching beret and dog tags (not pictured). Anabella picked that out all by herself? Her daddy, the ex-Marine, didn't have anything to do with it? The same daddy who puts Marine Corps. stickers on every car we own? The daddy whose last three cars have been Hummers? The daddy who asked for a bulldog (the Marine Corps. mascot) for his 30th birthday? I have a hard time believing daddy didn't coach her on this one.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving kick-ass Marine baby toys. Mameluke sword or a nice Beretta 9mm for your three-year-old daughter? Sure!

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? ALMOST a chair!

The 18-year-old lie

2009-04-19T23:47:00.002-05:00

I was recently sitting in the lobby of Massage Envy waiting for my appointment, when a man who worked there approached me.

Man: Hi, Rhonda. Do you remember me?

Me: No, I'm sorry I don't.

Man: I'm Jeff. I knew you when you dated Gilmer.

Me: (laughing loudly) I can assure you I have NEVER dated anyone named Gilmer.

Man: Sure you did.

Me: (Completely dumbfounded ... going through list of men in head .. sure there was one Bubba, but that was short lived...)

Man: Jonathan GILMER Lastname. (a man I lived with for over a year when I was 20.) He was a good friend of mine.

Me: Are you kidding me? (start to laugh uncontrollably)

Jeff: (Completely dumbfounded) Ummm ...

Me: He told me he didn't have a middle name!! I always felt bad for him because his name was so generic. I lived with him for f*ck's sake! I can't believe he lied about that ... (rambled on for a while longer)

Poor Jeff. I think I did manage to ask if he was married and such, but I wasn't listening (his name might not even be Jeff). I just couldn't let go of the G. R. (Gilmer Revelation)

So there it is. I have officially dated a Bubba and a Gilmer. Next thing you know, I am going to find out Dan's real name is Navin or Englebert.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a renewed satisfaction with my own middle name.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today?

I think Laura is on to something here ... Scarlett seems more cat-like every day. Except she's not nearly as tidy.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-04-15T17:06:00.008-05:00

Dear "DNR European Café" owner:

I've been very hesitant to eat at your establishment, because here in the U.S. "DNR" stands for "Do Not Resuscitate."

In that context, your tag line seems a little ominous, don't you think? I'm here for lunch, not a toe tag.

Next time, you might want to run your name choices by a few locals before having the fancy sign made.

-- The B.S. Café is now serving ~~deadly~~ yummy sandwiches from the DNR Café. Enjoy.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? (Notice the sunglasses. You don't want to be caught without them in a laundry basket!)

Easter recap

2009-04-13T12:49:00.002-05:00

Oh what a crazy, jam-packed weekend. After two failed attempts to get a picture with the Easter bunny, I finally gave up and tried to convince myself that Scarlett would have just cried anyway. But secretly, I'm still sad about it. (On Friday night, the line was closed, so Dan told the girls that the EB was sleeping. Saturday, the line wrapped around the place twice, so I told them the EB was sick and needed some rest for Sunday. Are we nominees for the bad parent award yet? )

Otherwise the weekend went well ... birthday parties, Easter egg coloring and "hatching" (meaning Anabella squishing a hard-boiled egg), hoarding of Easter basket goodies ("MINE!"), and of course, lots of chocolate. Here's a few photos:

Maybe now Anabella will finally quit asking me to help her make Valentine cards.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a classic Easter bunny photo from 2006. How cute is she?

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? An Easter basket, of course. (Although she couldn't squeeze all the way into it.)

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-04-08T16:14:00.004-05:00

OMG, people ... I am so over Twitter! (and Facebook, but today I will just rant about Twitter)

Why do I need to know what people are doing every second of every day? (in 140 characters or less)

I don't care that much about what I am doing, so do I really need to hear what some random person from high school is having for lunch? I don't even have a Twitter account and I still have to hear about tweeting all day long. People just can't stop talking about tweeting and twittering and the news is all about who twittered this or tweeted that.

And yesterday, I see THIS ... surgeons tweeting during surgery.

WTF??? If you have me cut open, and I catch you tweeting about it, you better hope I die on the table, because I am so gonna beat your a** when it's all said and done. Don't you have something better to do? (Like poke someone on Facebook via your iPhone?!)

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving ... capers! WTF is up with this caper hell on my bagel ? I like capers, but 50+ (I stopped counting at 50) on 1/3 of a bagel is ridiculous. And not only did they try to kill me with capers, but they hid them under the lox. Very sneaky.

Oh no!

2009-04-06T12:26:00.002-05:00

Scarlett's new favorite saying ... and the only response the Comcast Customer Service person could come up with when I canceled my service today.

"Oh no. We hate to lose you as a customer."

"Oh no. I can't believe they didn't offer you the preferred package."

"Oh no. That's too bad."

It's cute as hell when my 18-month old says it over and over. When the lady on the telephone does it, I want to strangle someone.

My computer has also mysteriously rebooted itself five times since I got to work, and some dude in another office called and gave me an a**chewing because he wasn't happy with the employee newsletter.

Happy Monday.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a tiny dose of Monday-morning hostility.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? A tiny tractor. She's a bonnet and camouflage-wearing farmer. Oh no.

Me -- In Numbers

2009-03-31T17:32:00.000-05:00

~~Stealing~~ Borrowing an idea from Omar today ... he won't mind and he's probably not reading this post anyway.

So here is what I have been up to since last Wednesday "by the numbers:"

6 - NCAA basketball games I watched (53 - Number of brackets I need to "grade" tonight for the pool I am participating in)

5 - Bottles of champagne consumed on Sunday for Jéanne's birthday (I had help!)

4 - Massages I've had since last Thursday (I canceled a membership at Massage Envy and was forced to use the stockpile ... poor me.)

3 - Trips to Target (and subsequently, to Starbucks ... so much for quitting that habit)

2 - Birthday parties attended (One at Jumpin' Jungle, but that didn't include champagne. Unfortunately.)

1 - Number of amazing things Scarlett did at breakfast on Sunday (She was playing with a fork ... banging it on the table mainly ... then she starts stabbing eggs and eating off of it like she had been doing it for years.) Pictures? Of course!

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving the certainty that Scarlett is, in fact, a gifted child. Stabbing with the fork AND "enrolling." Go ahead and look that up. I had to.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-03-25T15:59:00.007-05:00

WTF is up with these "toddler" shoes? Why why WHY would you put a one-inch heel on a shoe for a baby? Poor Scarlett would kill herself in these things. She trips just running around bare-footed. What's going to happen when I put a 1-1/2 year old in wedges? What's next, Miracle Bras for the elementary school girls?

I would also like to know WTF is up with the toddler terrorism going on at our house (Anabella!). Besides the general sassiness ("I'm sorry, but I am NOT going night-night!"), we've (Anabella!) now taken to evil misdeeds.

Last Saturday morning Dan and Scarlett were napping, and I let Anabella draw with markers under my careful supervision. I got up to use the restroom and when I came back, not only had she drawn all over her arms and legs, but her lips were also colored blue and my ottoman looked like this.

WTF? I was gone for 60 seconds! When I asked her why she did it, she just shrugged. Clearly, this was a premeditated thing.

Toddler mind games ... Anabella - 1, Mommy - 0.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving gratitude to Baby Jesus for the invention of washable markers.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today?

Just fry it

2009-03-22T23:58:00.001-05:00

I took the girls to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo this week. We've been before, but this year Anabella really got it ... she asked lots of questions about the animals, had a great time in the petting zoo, and insisted on getting a cowboy hat. A few highlights ...

I've seen a lot of longhorns in my life, but this dude was HUGE. Seriously. This picture does him no justice.

The birthing center was extremely cool, and of course little kids love baby animals. We saw newborn calves, piglets, goats, chicks, lambs, etc.

The petting zoo was also a big hit, but I couldn't get any photos. The animals are super aggressive if you go in there with food. A deer tried to eat my hoodie and one a**hole goat kept kicking me in the back of the leg every time I turned away from him. After 10 minutes of fighting off the inmates, all I had left was the ice cream cone the kibble came in. I gave it to Ninja Goat so we could make our escape and for the rest of the afternoon, Anabella kept saying "goats sure do like ice cream." Ha. I don't know what's in the kibble, but the goats will kill you for it.

After the petting zoo, we went to get Anabella some Dipping Dots, but I somehow managed to go without eating any rodeo food. This sign is part of the reason ... just the thought of all this stuff gave me premonitions of an evening full of unpleasant BMs.

Why? Why do we need to fry everything? Fries, chicken fingers, pickles ... fine. But I draw the line at candy bars and key lime pie. Are we just looking for ways to make things as fattening as they can possibly be? And I am guessing the picture of the Twinkie was taken before they threw him in vat of boiling oil.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving it fried. What is it? Doesn't matter. It's fried.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? A carousel. But just barely. This thing was supercharged.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-03-18T23:25:00.007-05:00

A friend in the neighborhood is expecting her second child, so a few of us decided to throw her a little pampering party. (Because people are incredibly reluctant to agree to an actual baby shower for their second. What's up with that? It's not like we asked you to wear white pants before Memorial Day.) Manis, pedis, brunch and mimosas at a local salon ... and the only gifts were diapers. Easy. We divided the food list up and it was done.

Last Saturday, I called the girls to make sure we had everything covered. Nam, who was handling cake and fruit salad, tells me she hasn't really figured out the petit fours yet, but she's on it. This was at 5 p.m. on Saturday for an 11 a.m. party on Sunday. I give her a little tough love and figure she will just get a cake at the grocery store and be done with it.

On Sunday morning, she shows up with these ...

Of course we all ooh and ahh about how cute and fabulous they are. Come to find out, she MADE them. Not only that, she's never made petit fours before, she just decided to try. Oh, and they were delicious. And the flowers? She made those too. Out of gum paste (whatever that is).

WTF? I guess next time I should just worry about my hash brown casserole and leave Nam alone. Not that I expect any less from her. She's one of those Super Moms who has it all under control. Three children under 4 ... no problem. Nurse twins? Handled it. Baby books? All done. (I'm still working on Anabella's.) Completing her PhD. Uh huh.

Luckily, she's really laid back and cusses like a sailor, so we can still be friends even when she shows up with professional-looking petit fours that she just threw together the night before.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving pastry envy.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? HOLY CRAP it's an actual chair!

Things I've learned recently

2009-03-16T08:40:00.001-05:00

1. Even numbered highways go east-west, while the odd ones go north-south.

2. This is a real animal ... (I looked it up after one of your Silly Saturdays, NCS!)

3. There's a little place to hang your gas cap, rather than just letting it dangle.

4. There's a finger hole in the Saran Wrap box that keeps the roll from coming out.

5. There's an arrow on a car's gas gauge that tells you which side the tank is on.

Do you have some strange, obscure or unknown factoid? Comment! I want to know. (But don't give me any crap about how you can't believe I didn't know the stuff above. I can't be on top of everything, people!)

-- The B.S. Cafe is currently serving a thirst for knowledge.

P.S. What's Scarlett sitting on today? A mini cash register.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-03-11T13:38:00.001-05:00

This is my 73rd "WTF? Wednesday" post ... and amazingly, it's the first one that is about me. Although I guess it would be kind of sad to be disgusted with your own ridiculousness more than once or twice a year.

So, here's the story. In an effort to reduce expenses (and lessen frustration), I decided to switch our Internet and TV service to AT&T. They offer several ways to save money, including consolidating services. After taking stock of our current accounts, here is what I discovered ... we have a sh*tload of phone numbers.

The home phone
Rhonda personal cell
Dan personal cell
Rhonda business cell
Dan business cell
Rhonda home office phone
Dan home office phone
Rhonda home office fax
Dan home office fax

If you add my business office phone to the list, I have a total of 6 phone numbers and Dan has 5.

WTF is wrong with us? Why do we have so many phones? I can't even tell you that last time one of us used the damn fax machine. Alexander Graham Bell is probably turning over in his grave.

And the really ridiculous part is that you can probably only reach me 50% of the time regardless of how many phones I have.

— The B.S. Cafe is now serving ... 867-5309.

P.S. The answer to your most burning question — "What's Scarlett sitting on today?" — is ...

What's Scarlett sitting on today?

2009-03-08T23:14:00.009-05:00

This is the new version of Where's Waldo? at our house. What is Scarlett sitting in/on today?

A computer keyboard?

The breakfast table?

A bucket? (how very Anne Geddes of her!)

A basket?

Stay tuned ... you never know where she will turn up. Leave a comment and tell me where you think Scarlett will sit next!

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving Blog Post #300. Hard to believe I've had that much to say over the past 2-1/2 years!

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-03-04T22:09:00.001-06:00

I really don't know where to start... so many things have made me think "what the f*ck?!" this week.

1. From my personal life .... WTF is up with the manager at the Range Rover dealership acting like he didn't receive any of the 5 messages Dan and I have left for him over the last three weeks? He blank-faced said "I don't know what you are talking about." Really? Are you sure? Cause the message had your name on it. Has there been some catastrophic mishap with your phone system?

2. The ending of The Bachelor. WTF WTF WTF? I really don't know what I think, or if I even care, but I was shocked that Jason seemed like a nice, normal person ... and he wound up being more of a train wreck than most of the others. And he dragged his 3-year-old son into the mud with him. That was BS.

3. Kami (a "dancer") who left Rock of Love Bus 3 because she couldn't handle Bret being with other women. WTF? Hello idiot girl, did you not watch the first two seasons? The whole point is for Bret to be with other girls...lots and lots of other girls. And I find it extra interesting that you think a rock star (that term is used loosely in this instance) is not going to ho around with a bunch of skanks when they are all thrown together on a bus.

4. Then there was this lady at lunch. You have to look really closely (as this was taken on the DL with my iPhone) to see that this woman is wearing zebra panties under these white pants. I promise it was VERY noticeable in person. WTF, lady? Who does that? This isn't Rock of Love Bus ... it's friggin noon at Party City for f*ck's sake!

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving crazy pills. (An extra one for you, Stasa.)

Take that evil, theiving Coke machine!

2009-03-03T16:40:00.001-06:00

I've been in a major battle with the Coke machine since the day I started working here. It's probably stolen $20 from me over the past eight months (the funny part is that it occasionally gives me money too. It's a love/hate thing we have going), but because I would have to walk all the way to the other side of campus to get a refund from the cafeteria (a good 10-minute hike), I'd rather just complain about it. In January, I decided to start keeping track and recently posted a tally in a common area.

Today, a little homemade envelope showed up at the bottom of my tally.

Isn't that nice? So far, I have collected 35 cents. Woohoo.

--The B.S. Cafe is currently serving Pepsi.

Monday Fun

2009-03-02T10:56:00.006-06:00

The sky is falling at AIG again today, so I don't have time to blog blog. However, here are a few things for your amusement.

Check out the Cakewrecks blog ... it had me in tears last week. The "fan favorites" (in the sidebar) are the best. I especially loved Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockeys.

From the Rodeo Cookoff on Friday night (more on this later):

WTF? I don't care if this is a rodeo, under no circumstances am I going into a door marked "heifer." You can bite me, Mr. Porto-Sign-Maker.

"What the f*ck?" Wednesday

2009-02-25T15:58:00.002-06:00

I would like to know who DOESN'T use bathroom tissue?

Did the people who previously sent back this survey ask for an "opt out" on the bathroom tissue category?

And if someone doesn't use bathroom tissue, do we really want their survey back in the first place?

What other hygiene products do they find useless? Soap? Water?

-- The B.S. Cafe is too grossed out to serve anything today!

I heart contractors?

2009-02-24T14:21:00.007-06:00

Dear Michael:

You seemed like a very nice person, but I think we should start out with a "Best" or a "Thanks." As much as I appreciate you unclogging my kitchen sink, I just don't like you like that.

It's not you, it's me.

Friends 4-ever,

Rhonda

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving awkward crushes.

Happy Birthday!

2009-02-22T11:53:00.004-06:00

Happy birthday to my fabulous husband Dan! We celebrated with a trip to Max's Wine Dive last night with a few close friends. (Because nothing says "it's your day" like hamburgers and wine.) Today, he gets to sleep in, which is probably the best gift you can give around here. I love you, baby!

It's also the birthday of Halle, my best friend from high school. Happy birthday, Hal! Sushi this week ... on me!

It's been a crazy weekend ... going-away parties (I'll miss you, Kara!), kid birthday parties (happy 3rd, Cole!), Dan's birthday and now, the Oscars. I have a few friends coming over to watch. And, of course, the highly coveted Golden Biatch will be bestowed upon some lucky girl for the next year. Personally, I'm excited to see Hugh Jackman as host. Could he be any hotter?

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving birthday cake.

Cuteness abounds ... then retreats

2009-02-17T16:17:00.001-06:00

I have found myself a bit overwhelmed by Anabella lately. One moment she is sweetest, most adorable child ever. The next, I expect her head to do a 360 in some crazy Linda-Blair-style rampage.

Cute stuff
She was very excited about Valentine's Day, so we spent Friday night slowly going through all the valentines she received in her MDO program. We made valentine cards for everyone in the family on Saturday, and Sunday we spent several hours decorating cookies for a tea party we hosted yesterday for a few of her friends.

Look at those cute little tea cups. And she sweetly poured tea for everyone (including mommy) and made sure their cups stayed filled.

Not-so-cute stuff
At some point, she snuck into my bedroom and squirted toothpaste all over the carpet again. (And no, I hadn't taken Bee and Kim's advice and switched to white yet!)

She threw temper tantrums at nap and bedtime every day this weekend ... six total, since I had yesterday off. (I can't tell you how glad I am not to be home for nap time today!)

She also somehow managed to get her hand on some kiddie scissors and decided to give her sister a haircut. Luckily she only trimmed one perfect lock of hair. (Right at the root though! I can only imagine the damage that could have been done.) But I am going to throw it in the baby book and call it "Baby's first haircut." That will be a good story for later, right?

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving patience. Lots of patience.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

2009-02-11T17:29:00.008-06:00

My entire department went to volunteer at the Houston Food Bank yesterday, where we spent three hours sorting boxes of donated food. Some of the stuff was truly disgusting (such as cans that had busted open and had nasty, moldy contents seeping out of them), and some was just weird (like an entire box full of fortune cookies, soy sauce and rice noodles), but nothing was more disturbing than this ... which, of course, was in one of MY boxes.

WTF, people? This is called the FOOD Bank, not the Hygiene Bank. Please continue to donate your cranberry sauce, salad dressing and canned veggies (and lots of those little containers of fruit).... but keep the extra personal products to yourself. We really don't need to see that.

Good thing I was wearing those gloves.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving that not-so-fresh feeling.

A warning to future 40 year olds

2009-02-09T17:30:00.002-06:00

Just an FYI - Black icing does the following to teeth, tongues, fingers, etc.

Who knew black icing was so menacing?
Being the person responsible for bringing this cake, I wish I could say I felt bad, but I didn't. It was f*cking hysterical to see everyone smile with stained black teeth. Kim even had black icing stains on her fingers (from doling out cake) and her arm (not sure how that happened). She looked like she had been fingerprinted earlier in the day!

All those fire extinguisher jokes are actually true
I am also not sorry for putting 40 candles on the cake, instead of just a nice "4" and a "0." It was quite a blaze! (Seriously. I burned myself several times trying to light all those damn candles.)

So, KB is probably just counting the days until my 40th birthday, when I am sure she will "return the favor."

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving chocolate cake with toxic black icing. But heck, we're all old so does it really matter anymore?

Happy Birthday, KB!

2009-02-08T21:10:00.007-06:00

My good friend KB turned the big 4-0 last week and we celebrated last night with lots of cocktails, dancing and general tomfoolery. I really don't go "out out" very often (because dealing with two toddlers while nursing a hangover is like going to a rock concert with a migraine), but after a few glasses of wine and two double Grey Goose and cranberries, 25-year-old Rhonda showed up ... dancing and ordering shots.

And I almost pulled off the whole "38 is the new 25 thing", but here is how I know that a.) I cannot party like a 20 year old, and b.) I was way over served last night.

I convinced my husband to stop at Jack in the Box at 1:30 a.m. where I proceeded to order a very large hamburger and an egg roll.
My bar tab - $160
First thought this morning ... "I hope no one publishes any of those photos to Facebook/Blogger/MySpace" (And immediately sent text messages to every one with a camera).
Drove to Sonic at 9:00 a.m. to order a Coke for breakfast
Took my first shot of Jagermeister in well over 15 years
The faint memory of dancing to the Flo Rida song "Low," and slapping my own ass in a public place.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving shots of "Act your age."

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

2009-02-04T16:23:00.005-06:00

Really? You're name is BONITA SUNSHINE?

I know you are probably some dude in a call center in India, so I do not appreciate 1.) the humor and/or 2.) the happy disposition.

Please just fix my iPhone, Bonita.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

2009-01-28T17:07:00.006-06:00

This is what everything in my office looked like after returning from my spa retreat. (At least two rolls of packing tape gave their lives for this prank.)

If it was Stephen, the person I post-it noted a few weeks ago, I would consider that office karma. But this work was perpetrated by other coworkers. Envious coworkers who wanted to spa. (Coworkers for whom I even brought back spa products!! WTF???)

So, now IT'S ON.

What should I do to retaliate? If you give me a usable idea, you will be rewarded.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving REVENGE.

Potty Monkey

2009-01-27T11:05:00.012-06:00

When you become a parent, the days of going into a bathroom alone are pretty much over. And now that Anabella is almost potty trained, she finds the bathroom to be a place where everyone is welcome.

The scene: I'm in the bathroom doing my business, but then the door quickly swings wide open ...

Anabella: MOMMY! You're going POTTY!

Me: Yes, I am. I'll be out in a minute.

Anabella: (Completely ignoring me) Are you going peepee and poopoo, mommy?

Me: (Completely ignoring Anabella)

Anabella: You're going peepee and poopoo in the POTTY! You get a prize, mommy!

Me: Umm, okay. Thanks.

Anabella: (very serious face) I have to see it first.

Me: I don't think that's necessary. I don't really need a prize.

Anabella: Are you done? Let me see! Don't flush, mommy! (practically pushing me off the toilet)

Me: (Feeling like I've been transported into the movie Freaky Friday) Okay, you can flush for me. (Head to sink to wash hands and regain self respect.)

Anabella: Good job, mommy. You did it! (pauses) OOOH, STINKY! (flushes toilet)

Me: (Wondering what I did to deserve this.)

Anabella: Come on, mommy! Let's go get your prize! (Starts to run toward kitchen, but then stops abruptly. Turns to me with another very serious look on her face.) You only get ONE prize, mommy.

And here it is. My prize for not pooping my pants.

So clearly it's time to reconsider my potty-training tactics. While I would like to believe that Anabella was just being an excited three-year-old child, I think she was actually teaching me a lesson in bathroom dignity for all people, big and small.

But then again, I don't lie about pooping to get stickers.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving a healthy portion of role reversal with a side of TP.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

2009-01-21T16:39:00.005-06:00

I really don't think words are necessary.

However, I would like to point out that there is a "Determined" ChiaObama and a "Happy" ChiaObama.

WTF???

Feeling Hopeful

2009-01-20T18:08:00.000-06:00

We watched President Obama's inauguration here at work today and I came back to my desk feeling hopeful. I wasn't worrying about today or tomorrow or all the little things that usually fill up my mind ... I was only thinking that perhaps this is the person who can truly make a difference. A difference that will be evident to my children and to their children. I was hopeful that the things that bother me about our country and our world ... the BIG things ... might actually change.

And it made me think of my grandfather, who used to tell me stories about World War II, or the first trip to the moon, or the other incredible events that he witnessed long before I was born. I imagined my grandchild sitting next to me while I talk about where I was when the first black president took office. And wouldn't it be incredible if that child's world was so different from ours, that he or she didn't even understand why that was momentous?

Times are definitely troubled, and unfortunately, it's my job to read about it every day. But I will hang on to this renewed feeling of hope, because as some great person once said "without hope, there is only despair." And even if President Obama doesn't manage to do all the great things that people are expecting, at the very least he gave us back our vision of better things to come. He has inspired an entire country and made us think about where we have been, and where we are going.

It will be interesting to see just how much one man can do.

Second-annual mommy's retreat/great escape

2009-01-16T21:15:00.005-06:00

Halle and I have managed to pull off another great escape to Lake Austin Spa. In fact, I just returned to my room after an 80-minute massage. Ah. Two more days of eating, boozing, spa-ing and relaxing.

Check out their website if you want to get properly envious.

www.lakeaustinspa.com

-- The B.S Cafe is now serving foot rubs and large glasses of Pinot Grigio.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday - Quit growing up already!

2009-01-14T16:50:00.005-06:00

I know people warned me ... I should have been prepared, but I feel as though my babies have morphed into little people in the blink of an eye. Anabella is acting like a big sister all the time, and asking real people questions like "How was work today, mommy?" Scarlett is climbing into and sitting in chairs ... unassisted. WTF? When did all this happen?

Seriously, just last week Anabella wasn't doing anything but scribbling with crayons. Now she is making faces ... faces with expressions and the correct amount of eyes and everything.

The picture below is me. WTF? I know I could stand to lose some pounds around the middle -- and possibly get a tan -- but do I really look like a big egg with chicken legs and red hair?

Now this picture of Dan seems right on target. Menacing look ... check. Green like the Incredible Hulk ... check. Horns ... check. Just put some arms and legs on him, and it's practically a photo.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving unflattering caricatures.

Bored Rhonda strikes

2009-01-08T15:19:00.003-06:00

This is what happens when I get bored and/or ancy. (Luckily for my corworkers it doesn't happen too often). The best part of this prank, besides the hour of giggling while post-it-noting everything in sight, was the email I received the next day from the victim.

I will preface this by saying that 1.) like many corporations, our help desk is located in India. And just about everyone here would rather stab themselves in the eye than call the help desk, 2.) we still Lotus Notes as our email system, and 3.) if you've never called a corporate help desk, you will not find this at all funny and should move on to your next blog.

I love working with creative people ....

TRANSCRIPT
BEGIN CALL 2008-12-19 0747
S.PATEL: Thank you for calling AIG Technical Support. Can I get your Name and ID please?
CALLER: Stephen Bedford, U38PS08
S.PATEL: Thank you very much for that Mr. Culford. For verification purposes, what was the name of your mother's first cat?
CALLER: Uh, hold on a minute. Let me look that up. Sunshine
S.PATEL: Thank you very much for that Mr... Steve. How can I help you
CALLER: My computer is covered in post-it notes
S.PATEL: I see. You want to post something to a drive?
CALLER: No. My computer, my keyboard, my mouse, everything is covered in post-it notes.
S.PATEL: I see. Please hold on for one moment
S.PATEL: I see. I need to transfer you to our Notes group. Please hold.
CALLER: No. Not the Notes group! Not Lotus Notes, post-it notes. My entire workstation is covered in post-it notes.
S.PATEL: I see. Have you tried to re-boot the system?
CALLER: It was off when this happened.
S.PATEL: I am understanding you correctly that something bad happened to your computer while you were away?
CALLER: Yes. I was out of the office for the afternoon picking up my child from school.
S.PATEL: We need to file a security report for this malicious activity. What is your location?
CALLER: AT-35. But I don't think it is malicious.
S.PATEL: Are you able to use your computer?
CALLER: Well, no. Not without removing the post-its.
S.PATEL: So something has been installed onto your computer that must be removed prior to you being able to work, is that correct?
CALLER: Er, yes.
S.PATEL: Please hold while I speak with my director. This is quite serious Mr... Laford.
S.PATEL: Mr....I have been informed that nothing is wrong.
CALLER: What?
S.PATEL: A security patch was installed last night. You should have received a notification of this. Nothing is wrong.
CALLER: Uh, ok.
S.PATEL: Thank you for your call. Is there anything else I can help you with?
CALLER: No. I guess all is good. Thank you.
S.PATEL: Good bye.
END CALL
END TRANSCRIPT

Enjoy the Ride

2009-01-05T23:49:00.002-06:00

She's at it again.

Anabella got her little hands on a very large tube of toothpaste and went to town ... the carpet, the mirrors, the bathroom floor, the side of my bed, the bathroom scale ... nothing was safe. We're not even sure when she had time to do it.

So as one of my new year's resolutions, I am choosing to view these incidents in a new way. Instead of cussing, wishing she would get past this phase quickly, and being pissed because I have no clue how to get toothpaste out of carpet, I'm going to think "Wow! She sure is creative." or "I'm glad Anabella enjoys finding new ways to express herself."

I'm going to laugh and enjoy the ride.

And I'm going to remind myself that the Toothpaste Ride is a LOT more fun than the Poop Ride.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving minty-fresh breath.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

2008-12-31T12:09:00.007-06:00

This is what I was looking at yesterday morning. Today, I'm staring at a cube wall. Well, only until 1:00 p.m., but still. WTF?

More Christmas Trauma

So, this time last week I was trying to get a picture of the girls with Santa. (Here is last year's attempt in case you don't remember. ) After an hour wait, and Dan spending lots of time walking the girls around the mall, I finally got to the front of the line. The lady took exactly one picture before Scarlett burst into tears.

WTF? Why does Scarlett hate Santa so much? Anabella loved Santa as a baby ... and look at him. Could he a better looking Santa? Scarlett wrestled around ... got her clothes all askew ... and then had a total meltdown. Why can't I get one decent Santa photo out of these two??

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving stale candy canes and a mother's broken dreams.

Merry Christmas and such

2008-12-27T09:55:00.005-06:00

Hi everyone! Hope your holidays were fabulous. I'll blog about ours later (I'm at the airport) but let's just say Anabella got a truck load of toys but only wanted to open her M&Ms and mommy discovered her second gray hair on Christmas day.

Dan and I are heading to Cabo San Lucas for three glorious kid-free nights, so I will be gone for a few more days.

Blogger Dan: our bet on the Texans game tomorrow is on. If you lose, I want either a can of Garrett's popcorn or meatballs from Rosebud (but I'll need to have those overnight. Ha!) Figure out what Texas treat you want ... Not that it's going to matter.

-- The B.S. Cafe is now serving guacamole and margaritas.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

2008-12-17T17:20:00.002-06:00

WTF? Why is Santa trying to choke poor Winston?

-- The B.S Cafe is now serving pupperoni.

What does this guy do for a living?

2008-12-16T16:19:00.003-06:00

First of all, GO TEXANS! Thank you for beating the Titans (without the involvement of poo water). That made my whole week. (We left a little early and as we walked by the port-o-potties, the hubby said "Maybe we should splash a little blue poo water on you ... just in case. Thanks, Omar. I will never escape that now.)

Second, Dan (not the hubby ... the other one) has extended a bet on the Texans vs. Bears game and I hereby accept. But what should the bet be?

Third, what do you think the guy above does for a living? I have been passing by him for several years now as I head down to my seats. And he has always had this hair style. And he obviously has season tickets. So I can't help but wonder...

-- The B.S Cafe is now serving Texas pride. Suck it, Titans.