"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

EXHIBIT A

I found this in my husband's carry-on bag today.

But Rhonda, you are thinking, we already knew your husband was a wino. Yes, this is true, and I am right there with him, but if you look closely, I said I found it in his CARRY-ON BAG. Meaning, he carried it on a PLANE with him.

WTF, TSA? Not only is this very scary, but it makes my 8-ounce bottle of formula (which you confiscated) look pretty non-threatening comparatively, don't cha think?

T.T.A.C.A.G.B.T.W. Week - Conclusion

Things That Are Cool About Going Back To Work Week - Conclusion

The best thing, so far, about going back to work...the mental challenge? No. Meeting new people? Nah.

It's having my husband tell me how good I look every morning when I leave. My favorite comment was "Everyone is going to want to DO you!"

Slightly crass, but 1.) I don't mind crass, and 2.) it makes me feel like I might be on my way to MILF status.

T.T.A.C.A.G.B.T.W. Week - Day 4

Things That Are Cool About Going Back To Work Week - Day 4

Healthy Snacks...
Unlimited, yummy crunchy ice...

And not only does someone else make my lunch every day, but there has been no mac & cheese or Chick-fil-a on the menu this week.


And finally, I've lost 3 pounds this week...without dieting. WOOHOO!

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

I guess they have officially run out of ideas for movies. (Kathy -- Don't get mad at me for bashing it...I know this will be your mostest favorite movie E.V.E.R.)



Bring it on, little dog. I had TWO large coffees today.

T.T.A.C.A.G.B.T.W. Week - Day 3

Things That Are Cool About Going Back To Work Week - Day 3

Just one elevator ride and 50 paces away from my desk is a...

Starbuck's! My kryptonite!

So, I guess I will be spending all of my new salary on coffee as I have already visited 4 times in 3 days.

T.T.A.C.A.G.B.T.W. Week - Day 2

Things That Are Cool About Going Back To Work Week - Day 2

2. Getting a Crackberry! And because IT is slightly inefficient, I haven't had a computer the last two days, which means plenty of time to PLAY with my new Blackberry.

I took this photo with my iPhone. Who is too cool for school with all her rockin' technology?!

T.T.A.C.A.G.B.T.W. Week

Things That Are Cool About Going Back To Work

1. Not only do I get to use the restroom alone and without being screamed at by the 10-month-old hellion who is locked behind the gate, I also get to pick my flush.

"UP for #1" or "DOWN for #2". Who knew that #1 and #2 were now the official, workplace terminology?!

And the bonus is that I don't have to teeter unsteadily on one heel to flush with my foot, because the handle is "coated to protect against germs." Hooray!

The Scoop

I am going to back to work...tomorrow. It's been three years since I've worked full time, and almost eight years since I worked in Corporate America, so I think I might be in for quite a shock.

In addition to my sadness about leaving the girls (and the little company I have built), and not being 100% certain this is the right thing to do, I have also been completely traumatized by shopping for work clothes this past week. You would think getting a whole new "non-mommy" wardrobe would be fun, but I would have enjoyed myself more if I had been dining on glass and sipping antifreeze. But I muddled through and spent all day Friday shopping for shoes, which got my spirits back up.

So, wish me luck. I'm not going to mention the company (unless you can guarantee I will reap fame and wealth like Dooce), but I am very excited about the job (public relations and corporate communications) and it seems like a great place to work.

Here's hoping I can drag my a** out of bed on time, and that I don't go road-ragetastic on someone first thing in the morning!

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

WTF is up with this stupid sign? Are they saying that if you are hip, you will drive around like an idiot until you just happen upon this place?

Everyone else (all the boring, lame people) can read the directions and follow the arrow printed underneath this ridiculous tag line. Or maybe you can go to the website and print out a map. Loser.

Scaredy Cat

Anabella has been talking about monsters a lot lately (but not in an "I'm scared" kind of way), so I have been working very hard to assure her that monsters aren't something to be afraid of.

However, something has happened in my subconscious, because I am suddenly afraid of everything. The other night I was brushing my teeth and when I looked up into the mirror, I saw Dan and screamed. But since I had a mouth full of toothpaste, it was more of a open-mouthed gargle that sent toothpaste all over the counter and mirror. He thought it was hysterical, but I was all like "WTF?" When did I turn into such a p*ssygirl?

Then tonight, I opened the front door to pull a flyer off the door handle, and a medium-sized spider falls onto the floor. I HATE spiders, so I stepped on him. But when I pulled my foot back, a 100 tiny spiders scattered across the floor. I screamed so loud that the neighbor walking across the street ran over and immediately helped me river dance on all those little guys. (thank goodness for cool, spider-hatin neighbors) The way my heart was racing you would think a boa constrictor just popped out of the closet.

So clearly I need help, because I just walked into the bathroom, turned on the light and let out a shriek so loud that Dan came running from the second floor, opposite side of the house. Here's the scary monster in the bathroom.

BOO! It's Dora the Mermaid!

She's Three!

On this day, three years ago, I was scared to death of something that barely weighed six pounds. But we had great moments together right from the start, including this one when she was less than a day old. It was 3:00 a.m. and she was just starring at me, sucking on her little fingers, with a look on her face that said "it's going to fine, mommy."

She didn't like to sleep much in the beginning, but she sure was cute when she did.

She had a passport when she was five months old and her first stamp was from the Bahamas. She got sick almost as soon as we got there, but she loved the sand and the water, just like mommy and daddy.

Once she was crawling, it was always a challenge. She was into everything, including Winston's butt hole (thus the boxer shorts).

But we always had a lot of fun, and being able to work from home was a blessing in more ways than I understood.

She slowly turned into a little person...with a head full of curly hair and a big smile.
And she made even the silly holidays fun and something to look forward to...

Not only did she turn us into a family, but she helped Dan and me find the joy in the small things in life.

And she impressed me with her ability to go from the only child to a loving and tender big sister (after six months of hell, of course!).

So happy birthday, my beautiful, sensitive, funny, energetic, opinionated, and big-hearted little girl. You have changed my life and filled my heart in ways I can not even describe. You are the most incredible gift I have ever received.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

Last week I decided to shop my car insurance around. I didn't really have a reason, I just suddenly felt like we were paying too much. Today, I have the results. Of the 12 companies that sent me rates....

1. 12 of 12 were cheaper than my current company.
2. 12 of 12 were more than $100 per month cheaper than my current company.
3. 12 of 12 were more than $200 per month cheaper than my current company.

We have clearly been repeatedly bent over by our current company. WTF, GEICO?!!

How is it possible that everyone else was HALF of what you have been charging me? Did my husband sleep with your high school girlfriend? Did I say something rude about your penis at a cocktail party? Because this feels really, really personal. And when I called to find out WTF your problem is, your only response was "hmmm, that is substantially less expensive." You think?

Screw you and your lizard too!

P.S. In case you were curious, Liberty Mutual and AIG were both ONE THIRD of what I am paying...or should I say WAS paying before 12:01 a.m. today.

"What the F*ck?" Wednesday

Has anyone figured out WTF goes on in the mind of a three year old? The two's were pretty crazy...with the new baby and lots of temper tantrums and such...but as we approach three, I find that I am completely baffled by Anabella about 50% of the time.

Every day is a new slate when it comes to how things in Anabella's world should work. Did it work great yesterday? Tough sh*t. We are doing it completely different today.

For instance, Anabella is usually perfectly content to have her apples cut up. Today? NO. NO MOMMY! She wants the whole apple and there will be hell to pay if I get near it with a cutting utensil. Fine, so I hand her the apple.

About 10 minutes later, she declares she is done.

WTF? Not only did you not eat the apple, you mauled it to the point that no one else is going to eat the rest of it.

McIdiots

I would also like to know WTF is up with this? Based on my calculations, depending on how many nuggets you buy, the ratio of nugget to sauce fluctuates wildly and with no mathematical reasoning applied. Seems like a pretty random "policy" to me. If I buy two 10-piece meals instead of 1 20-piece and return that extra sauce that you think I don't need, will you give me 10 cents (plus tax) back? Idiots.